wow, this is a struggle like no other
How do I get thru this? I am so tired of your treatment of me..Of us, as a family. You will not keep putting me down to myself or our son. You will not put your lack of love, empathy, morals, or feelings in our face anymore, because I am not going to let myself be your ***** anymore. No more the target of your anger, or vengefulness. You can't keep treating people like this, by using and lying and ignoring them while around you, but miss them terribly when they are out of your sight. I AM NOT TAKING YOUR SON FROM YOU. You LEFT. I never said leave, or you couldn't come back. Your ridiculous statements of being afraid for your safety are just that. Grow up! Face the ****storm you have created, and at least leave me with some dignity after 20 years of marriage and phases we have both gone through. Stop telling me you love or ever loved me while ripping me to shreds with something daily. Stop doing everything YOU HATE in others. I guess I should have expected this, because of how much anger you would talk about men doing the exact thing you are, or women doing some of what you are, and me. i even left the house and was NOT coming back so you would be home with JC and he could be in his own room, own bed, with a somewhat normality. you say he is happier and well adjusted, yet he is getting in trouble in school, failing tests and dreaming of murder. He said to me, "Mom, I have seen more bad in the last month than in my whole life. He makes up songs and sings them around house, like the one where he sang, "Brittany, please go away and let my Dad come back home and to be with my Mom. Brittany, I just want my family back together, you are mean and i want my family back. My Dad and Mom love each other. Brittany go away and let my Dad come back, he belongs with Mommy.... " That is all I remember, but he will tell you nothing. Doesn't say much to me outside of passing comments or calling you names out of the blue. He said he doesn't like it there, but wants the kitten and his friends, (her sisters) and she yells at CC all the time and is mean and cusses at her, and cooks really bad. I DON'T ASK HIM ****! IT HURTS TOO BAD TO HEAR. He also likes the small place, because he feels closer to you even when your not paying attention. That is all the truth, and there are things he says that are the reason He is NOT allowed to go to her house anymore. I will NOT tell you because I know how you ask him, question things, and he shouldnt be hounded or afraid to say anything like I am and have been. He said he feels freer to tell me things because you get mad and yell then tell him hes wrong. Yes, I know he tells you things too, things I have been wrong in. He tells me too, tho you say he isn't telling me all, but i know i have been out of line, and so i told him that I knew I yelled and broke things, and I am sorry. I have no reason to EVER make that right, and I will work on it. He is not afraid of me, the yelling scares him, and I was wrong. Period. Oh ya, he likes cuz you take them to buy food or out to eat like we used to do, and buy him stuff when he asks, he likes that too.
Please don't harrass him on the few things I have shared. He needs to feel safe, and wrong or right, its how he feels. How I feel is beyond words or discarded and completely betrayed and used. Far worse than anything I could ever have imagined you would do in more ways i could ever have thought, even in your meanest moods, would do to me or anyone for that matter. I am so shell shocked and you can't seem to even comprehend how much pain and emptiness, mixed with fear and complete hopelessness I am drowning in . I lost EVERYTHING, and I don't understand why you say you love or ever loved me. I never lost hope, but once you did, that's it. Done, mean, heartless, lies, zero emotion outside of disgust for me. And complete disreguard for JC's emotional welfare in how you handled and continue to handle it, as well as zero ownership. I won't play the blame game with you, but I will also not act as tho I am ok so you can stop having to deal with me in pain. I know you are fine. You don't have to think of anything because you can block it all or escape in numerous ways. I feel like your comfort is all that matters, personally, materialistically, in others views, and people don't matter. I will never be ok, but WE could've. People need to hit the bottom and be told the truth in an honest way and what is at stake. Not yelled at or straight ignored. I was never given the chance, and rock bottom leaves me with nothing but more pain to look forward to. Not redemption or love or family, or even the trust of someone I thought loved me as I loved him. Nobody to share the last few years of JC's childhood with, or proud moments to come with. No living with him till the big 18, only part time that will be filled with his social life. Nobody to hold when the new chapter begins. No grandchildren to share with grandpa, or memories to laugh at together, or pass on how NOT to do with others. No You to continue to beg for attention from, or feel loved by, or clean up after, or read new ideas for, or be mad at, or worry about, or just feel safe because I'm loved by. I can't believe you are anything now, but out to attack every weakness and emotion you know I have, just to watch me shrivel into something you could never have loved or wanted. And the worst part is I know you can block it all out so that you don't even feel in regards to me, aside from standing in the way of what you are after. Jacobey snapped at me tonight with a command that caught me off guard. He said, "WHY DON'T YOU FIGHT FOR DAD? YOU JUST NEED TO FIGHT FOR HIM!" I told him I had, and did everything I could think of to win you back, but you just didn't want me anymore.
I only stopped fighting when your disgust for me was so clear on your face and in your voice almost everytime you looked at me or had to interact with me. It was like knives to my heart and gut. At that point, I also was not sure how far you would go to hurt me, and I can barely breathe as it is with every new day or hour. I see nothing of love, or any consideration even for me to be ok for him. I feel like you have tried to appear like you want me just gone. And if you can appear to be genuinely compassionate, but just done with the crazy mean wife, to yourself and people that you plan on having in your life for awhile, or later, all the better. These are my feelings, and regardless of your intentions or different views of it all, it is what I am left with. Feeling like the trash you told me I was, and that you are ready to be rid of, wishing you had so long ago. I am empty of soul, and just want this to be a bad dream.
Please don't harrass him on the few things I have shared. He needs to feel safe, and wrong or right, its how he feels. How I feel is beyond words or discarded and completely betrayed and used. Far worse than anything I could ever have imagined you would do in more ways i could ever have thought, even in your meanest moods, would do to me or anyone for that matter. I am so shell shocked and you can't seem to even comprehend how much pain and emptiness, mixed with fear and complete hopelessness I am drowning in . I lost EVERYTHING, and I don't understand why you say you love or ever loved me. I never lost hope, but once you did, that's it. Done, mean, heartless, lies, zero emotion outside of disgust for me. And complete disreguard for JC's emotional welfare in how you handled and continue to handle it, as well as zero ownership. I won't play the blame game with you, but I will also not act as tho I am ok so you can stop having to deal with me in pain. I know you are fine. You don't have to think of anything because you can block it all or escape in numerous ways. I feel like your comfort is all that matters, personally, materialistically, in others views, and people don't matter. I will never be ok, but WE could've. People need to hit the bottom and be told the truth in an honest way and what is at stake. Not yelled at or straight ignored. I was never given the chance, and rock bottom leaves me with nothing but more pain to look forward to. Not redemption or love or family, or even the trust of someone I thought loved me as I loved him. Nobody to share the last few years of JC's childhood with, or proud moments to come with. No living with him till the big 18, only part time that will be filled with his social life. Nobody to hold when the new chapter begins. No grandchildren to share with grandpa, or memories to laugh at together, or pass on how NOT to do with others. No You to continue to beg for attention from, or feel loved by, or clean up after, or read new ideas for, or be mad at, or worry about, or just feel safe because I'm loved by. I can't believe you are anything now, but out to attack every weakness and emotion you know I have, just to watch me shrivel into something you could never have loved or wanted. And the worst part is I know you can block it all out so that you don't even feel in regards to me, aside from standing in the way of what you are after. Jacobey snapped at me tonight with a command that caught me off guard. He said, "WHY DON'T YOU FIGHT FOR DAD? YOU JUST NEED TO FIGHT FOR HIM!" I told him I had, and did everything I could think of to win you back, but you just didn't want me anymore.
I only stopped fighting when your disgust for me was so clear on your face and in your voice almost everytime you looked at me or had to interact with me. It was like knives to my heart and gut. At that point, I also was not sure how far you would go to hurt me, and I can barely breathe as it is with every new day or hour. I see nothing of love, or any consideration even for me to be ok for him. I feel like you have tried to appear like you want me just gone. And if you can appear to be genuinely compassionate, but just done with the crazy mean wife, to yourself and people that you plan on having in your life for awhile, or later, all the better. These are my feelings, and regardless of your intentions or different views of it all, it is what I am left with. Feeling like the trash you told me I was, and that you are ready to be rid of, wishing you had so long ago. I am empty of soul, and just want this to be a bad dream.
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