This blog is an open detailing of my recovery from an intense emotional affair. It has been said that in order to recover from an affair, whether physical or not, one must not be afraid to write down feelings. By being open with my feelings and not hiding them anymore, I am making a effort to hold myself accountable for my affair. This is an ongoing recovery and I have no clue how it will play out. But I need to share, to process what I've done, and to learn how to forgive myself.
Rather Depressed Today
Posted 10-22-2015 at 05:16 PM by April R
OG is taking his conviction to cut back on communication very seriously. So seriously that he will not message me or contact me first. It hurts so much to end up being the one who is going to have to start and maintain any communication between us. I am not going to be able to handle it. I can't feel unimportant to him. I feel like crap right now. My nerves are on edge and I am sick to my stomach over it. I can't tell him any of this because it just makes me look crazy and needy. I don't know how to handle this whole thing. I have no right to expect anything from him but not getting anything from him is still painfully disappointing.
I'm trying to keep myself busy. I've been making some handmade gifts for family, I'm in the process of starting a new part time sales job, and my husband is having knee surgery on Friday, so I will be busy taking care of him for a few day until he feels up to taking care of himself. Knowing hubs like I do, he will try to get up and walking the next day!
I want OG to wonder how I'm doing, to be uncomfortable with not hearing from me and find it too difficult not to contact me, because that is how I feel all the time. I want him to write me without me pulling it out of him, but I'm not a game player and if it gets too hard to not speak to him I'll cave and write him.
And I think he knows it. So I'm the needy, lovesick idiot. If I stop talking to him I fear he will forget me and not try to check up on me, and that possibility is the worst thing that I can imagine happening to us right now. I so scared he will take my silence as a sign I'm moving on, when in reality if I stop trying to talk to him it's will be because I feel like I am forcing him to respond just be nice to me even though he doesn't want me anymore. All relationships, if they are going to be sustainable are a two way street. It feels like he is forcing my hand and making me feel miserable so I will leave him alone. I probably should give him what he seems to want.
When will this knot in my stomach go away? When will I stop expecting to hear from him? Is he hoping that by forcing me to always have to be the one to contact him I'll eventually give up and move on? If that's the case I wish he'd just tell me because the hanging on hoping that he isn't trying to get rid of me is too painful. I don't deserve to be ignored. I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep him in my life, but it's becoming evident he isn't.
This sucks
I'm trying to keep myself busy. I've been making some handmade gifts for family, I'm in the process of starting a new part time sales job, and my husband is having knee surgery on Friday, so I will be busy taking care of him for a few day until he feels up to taking care of himself. Knowing hubs like I do, he will try to get up and walking the next day!
I want OG to wonder how I'm doing, to be uncomfortable with not hearing from me and find it too difficult not to contact me, because that is how I feel all the time. I want him to write me without me pulling it out of him, but I'm not a game player and if it gets too hard to not speak to him I'll cave and write him.
And I think he knows it. So I'm the needy, lovesick idiot. If I stop talking to him I fear he will forget me and not try to check up on me, and that possibility is the worst thing that I can imagine happening to us right now. I so scared he will take my silence as a sign I'm moving on, when in reality if I stop trying to talk to him it's will be because I feel like I am forcing him to respond just be nice to me even though he doesn't want me anymore. All relationships, if they are going to be sustainable are a two way street. It feels like he is forcing my hand and making me feel miserable so I will leave him alone. I probably should give him what he seems to want.
When will this knot in my stomach go away? When will I stop expecting to hear from him? Is he hoping that by forcing me to always have to be the one to contact him I'll eventually give up and move on? If that's the case I wish he'd just tell me because the hanging on hoping that he isn't trying to get rid of me is too painful. I don't deserve to be ignored. I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep him in my life, but it's becoming evident he isn't.
This sucks
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