This blog is an open detailing of my recovery from an intense emotional affair. It has been said that in order to recover from an affair, whether physical or not, one must not be afraid to write down feelings. By being open with my feelings and not hiding them anymore, I am making a effort to hold myself accountable for my affair. This is an ongoing recovery and I have no clue how it will play out. But I need to share, to process what I've done, and to learn how to forgive myself.
I'm An Empty Vessel
Posted 10-15-2015 at 03:12 PM by April R
Today I've been keeping myself busy. I cleaned and scrubbed the kitchen from top to bottom. My husband came home from work early because he isn't feeling well so I've been making sure he's being taken care of. I even baked a loaf of egg bread. After making an early taco dinner I've had a chance for downtime and I realized how empty I feel.
I often rolled my eyes at people who claimed they felt incomplete or like they are missing a part of themselves and used this as a reason to explain away aborrhant behavior. But now I understand and apologize for dismissing that feeling. I'm hollow inside. OG was filling me with so much, now that he isn't it feels like a big empty space has been left behind.
It was noted on my last post by a commenter that perhaps OG didn't put as much weight on our EA as I did. This possibility never occured to me and thinking about it makes me very sad. I still can't shake thinking I really fell in love with OG. Maybe this empty feeling is realizing that my love was one sided?
But even saying that sounds dishonest. OG told me he loved me. I choose to believe him. He had no reason to lie to me considering he was not prepared to take our relationship in a physical direction. There would be no reason to tell me he loved me just to get laid since I directly told him before we said we loved each other that I would be willing to sleep with him. I don't know why I was so quick to consider a physical affair, but he definitely wasn't and that made me love him all the more.
I can only conclude this emptiness is a real reaction to a real loss of what is to me a real love. I miss him so much today.
I often rolled my eyes at people who claimed they felt incomplete or like they are missing a part of themselves and used this as a reason to explain away aborrhant behavior. But now I understand and apologize for dismissing that feeling. I'm hollow inside. OG was filling me with so much, now that he isn't it feels like a big empty space has been left behind.
It was noted on my last post by a commenter that perhaps OG didn't put as much weight on our EA as I did. This possibility never occured to me and thinking about it makes me very sad. I still can't shake thinking I really fell in love with OG. Maybe this empty feeling is realizing that my love was one sided?
But even saying that sounds dishonest. OG told me he loved me. I choose to believe him. He had no reason to lie to me considering he was not prepared to take our relationship in a physical direction. There would be no reason to tell me he loved me just to get laid since I directly told him before we said we loved each other that I would be willing to sleep with him. I don't know why I was so quick to consider a physical affair, but he definitely wasn't and that made me love him all the more.
I can only conclude this emptiness is a real reaction to a real loss of what is to me a real love. I miss him so much today.
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