This blog is an open detailing of my recovery from an intense emotional affair. It has been said that in order to recover from an affair, whether physical or not, one must not be afraid to write down feelings. By being open with my feelings and not hiding them anymore, I am making a effort to hold myself accountable for my affair. This is an ongoing recovery and I have no clue how it will play out. But I need to share, to process what I've done, and to learn how to forgive myself.
I'm Angry
Posted 10-14-2015 at 07:53 PM by April R
Remember that emotional roller coaster I wrote about a couple of blog posts back. Well, while grocery shopping tonight I experienced a new emotion, one I had yet to feel towards OG, anger. Like real, how dare he who the **** does he think he is anger.
Why was I angry? Because I'm still his secret. I told my husband everything because I respected OG so much my conscience couldn't keep him a secret. I have faith in my husband that he loves me enough to forgive me and work through this so I didn't keep OG a secret. I also want to keep the possibility open with OG that if we were both available in the future that we could try a relationship with no dishonesty so I didn't keep him a secret.
But he doesn't respect me enough or trust his wife enough nor have any serious thoughts of any future possibilities to tell anyone about me. He says he cares about me. He says he loves his wife. He says if we were single he'd want to try with me. If all that was true he'd not want to keep me a secret. I don't know how he expects to invest fully in his marriage if he doesn't tell his wife about us. I now realize I couldn't be with a man who'd keep his EA, especially after it's over, from the wife he says he is devoted to. My husband says trust is his number 1 priority, and I understand better what my husband means after my EA.
I accepted everything that OG told me about himself. Every secret he told me that he said he thought I'd freak out about. I did because I really loved him. That's what love is to me, total acceptance of mistakes, quirks, fetishes, flaws, everything. I am an all or nothing person. I basically lay it all out and dare my lover to run away. I keep nothing from them because a person worth my time takes all my **** and I take all of his.
My husband is that man. OG, for all the incredible things I love about him, isn't. I could have been everything he needed and desired, but he didn't want that. I kept telling myself I understood his behavior and his decision to keep me secret, but I realize I don't. I hate it, it makes me feel miserable and used, and I'm angry.
Why was I angry? Because I'm still his secret. I told my husband everything because I respected OG so much my conscience couldn't keep him a secret. I have faith in my husband that he loves me enough to forgive me and work through this so I didn't keep OG a secret. I also want to keep the possibility open with OG that if we were both available in the future that we could try a relationship with no dishonesty so I didn't keep him a secret.
But he doesn't respect me enough or trust his wife enough nor have any serious thoughts of any future possibilities to tell anyone about me. He says he cares about me. He says he loves his wife. He says if we were single he'd want to try with me. If all that was true he'd not want to keep me a secret. I don't know how he expects to invest fully in his marriage if he doesn't tell his wife about us. I now realize I couldn't be with a man who'd keep his EA, especially after it's over, from the wife he says he is devoted to. My husband says trust is his number 1 priority, and I understand better what my husband means after my EA.
I accepted everything that OG told me about himself. Every secret he told me that he said he thought I'd freak out about. I did because I really loved him. That's what love is to me, total acceptance of mistakes, quirks, fetishes, flaws, everything. I am an all or nothing person. I basically lay it all out and dare my lover to run away. I keep nothing from them because a person worth my time takes all my **** and I take all of his.
My husband is that man. OG, for all the incredible things I love about him, isn't. I could have been everything he needed and desired, but he didn't want that. I kept telling myself I understood his behavior and his decision to keep me secret, but I realize I don't. I hate it, it makes me feel miserable and used, and I'm angry.
Total Comments 2
Comments
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Have to wonder if the attraction with the OG was simply the possibility of things happening without the reality.
I would venture that he did not hold the EA with the same regard you did.
It's also difficult to tell what his SO would have done with the information he gave her. Your hubby is secure enough to accept what happened/is happening, whereas the OGs wife may have kicked him to the curb.
Considering the EA had no long-term prospects, I can't say I'm surprised or that I really blame him. There is a lot of stake here besides the two of you, including kids.
Edited to add: Having said that, I can understand the anger, disappointment and, likely, a sense of loss.Posted 10-15-2015 at 07:10 AM by reds37win
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Yea, I'm waking up. It sucks because the dream was pretty amazingQuote:Originally Posted by reds37win
Have to wonder if the attraction with the OG was simply the possibility of things happening without the reality.
I would venture that he did not hold the EA with the same regard you did.
It's also difficult to tell what his SO would have done with the information he gave her. Your hubby is secure enough to accept what happened/is happening, whereas the OGs wife may have kicked him to the curb.
Considering the EA had no long-term prospects, I can't say I'm surprised or that I really blame him. There is a lot of stake here besides the two of you, including kids.
Edited to add: Having said that, I can understand the anger, disappointment and, likely, a sense of loss.
Posted 10-15-2015 at 12:59 PM by April R 
