Feeling down
Posted 06-29-2015 at 05:50 PM by Yiuppy
I just wasnt feeling important to him.
He spent more time talking to his group of young friends than talking to me. Im no longer in his circle of friends online he talks to, so I felt like a third wheel of sorts, an outsider, when he'd talk to me then take off and spend hours of the night until 2 and 3am talking to 18 year olds, joking around or whatever. Hes 35. But it seems intimate a guy in private conversation with a girl until the wee hours, but wouldnt give me that time.
I was just starting to feel unimportant, and more like a friend of convenience. I dont like that feeling, particularly because he was/is so important to me. I havent talked to him since Friday because I was tired of being available and taken for granted. I cut off skype.
I guess he was waiting until my birthday passed to finally slow fade on me and have me feel like chopped liver. I got the hint when he stood me up and left me lonely so he could chat with his friends all night.
So I havent logged back in to Skype since Saturday morning. I doubt he even misses me. He spends so much time talking to and evidently having a ball with the youngins without me, he probably hasnt even noticed my absence.
I could be wrong, but even if I am and he does think Im important, he doesnt show it. He has not even gotten in touch with me as of yet. Hes lied to me before so Im still recovering from a breach of the unwavering trust I had in him. I asked him two weeks ago if he has a girlfriend, if he has a potential girlfriend, and whether he has any "involvements" to gauge whether he was spending time wooing someone, and he said no to all. Weve been rebuilding my trust ever since, but still feel he hides things from me that, if truly innocent, shouldnt be worth hiding.
Anyway, I miss him. But Im not content just being the friend of convenience, just there for him to fill the space when hes bored. I dont want to be his filler when he meant a lot to me. I dont feel that he is/was willing to be more to me. Whether that feeling is reality Im uncertain of, but maybe my absence will bring some clarity to whether I mean something to him or not.
Either way, Im hurt and sad right now because he was my best friend. We were there for one another. He was my only emotional support since I estranged from my family. And now there is no match to how alone and emotionally deprived I feel. But I cant make someone feel that Im significant to them; it has to be their choice and I have to respect it. Free will.
I was hoping we could be more than only friends someday because I thought we connected well and were a perfect match. I was planning for us to spend time together, maybe move closer and pool resources, maybe more. I dont know, I just feel a mess and wonder whether he feels anything at all.
He spent more time talking to his group of young friends than talking to me. Im no longer in his circle of friends online he talks to, so I felt like a third wheel of sorts, an outsider, when he'd talk to me then take off and spend hours of the night until 2 and 3am talking to 18 year olds, joking around or whatever. Hes 35. But it seems intimate a guy in private conversation with a girl until the wee hours, but wouldnt give me that time.
I was just starting to feel unimportant, and more like a friend of convenience. I dont like that feeling, particularly because he was/is so important to me. I havent talked to him since Friday because I was tired of being available and taken for granted. I cut off skype.
I guess he was waiting until my birthday passed to finally slow fade on me and have me feel like chopped liver. I got the hint when he stood me up and left me lonely so he could chat with his friends all night.
So I havent logged back in to Skype since Saturday morning. I doubt he even misses me. He spends so much time talking to and evidently having a ball with the youngins without me, he probably hasnt even noticed my absence.
I could be wrong, but even if I am and he does think Im important, he doesnt show it. He has not even gotten in touch with me as of yet. Hes lied to me before so Im still recovering from a breach of the unwavering trust I had in him. I asked him two weeks ago if he has a girlfriend, if he has a potential girlfriend, and whether he has any "involvements" to gauge whether he was spending time wooing someone, and he said no to all. Weve been rebuilding my trust ever since, but still feel he hides things from me that, if truly innocent, shouldnt be worth hiding.
Anyway, I miss him. But Im not content just being the friend of convenience, just there for him to fill the space when hes bored. I dont want to be his filler when he meant a lot to me. I dont feel that he is/was willing to be more to me. Whether that feeling is reality Im uncertain of, but maybe my absence will bring some clarity to whether I mean something to him or not.
Either way, Im hurt and sad right now because he was my best friend. We were there for one another. He was my only emotional support since I estranged from my family. And now there is no match to how alone and emotionally deprived I feel. But I cant make someone feel that Im significant to them; it has to be their choice and I have to respect it. Free will.
I was hoping we could be more than only friends someday because I thought we connected well and were a perfect match. I was planning for us to spend time together, maybe move closer and pool resources, maybe more. I dont know, I just feel a mess and wonder whether he feels anything at all.
Total Comments 3
Comments
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I might be wrong. I might be wrong.
Good people are hard to find. Good friends even harder. I miss him.
I just feel lost.
Its refreshing to hear outsider perspectives. Good friends are not easy to find. And he was/is great.
I miss the simple things. Talking about my day with him. Laughing at some silly thing. His advice on meditation, helping to calm me, trying to help me in any way he could if I needed it. I miss us.
I might be wrong. Having someone to say good morning and goodnight to. When he stopped being that, I felt alone. I am wanting more out of this friendship. Rule #2.
I cant forget the reasons I vacationed from him for a while in the first place.
But I could be wrong.Posted 06-29-2015 at 11:18 PM by Yiuppy
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He left messages for me Saturday and Sunday.Posted 06-30-2015 at 07:50 AM by Yiuppy
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An update to this is... I was wrong and mistaken when I acted on conclusions and assumptions that werent true. Hes been a wonderful friend to me through everything and continues to be.
When he asked what I had been up to on Tuesday morning when I finally talked to him when he reached out, I only said "lots of thinking" but also that I missed him.
We talk every day now, again.
I will have to work more on my insecurities, stop doubting him, and stop sabotaging the great things in my life. Lesson learned.Posted 07-03-2015 at 12:14 AM by Yiuppy
