My heart is breaking into a million little pebbles, over the forbidden fruit of course.

My dear friend with whom I whoopsie-daisied and ended up loving, just lazes around playing video games and in a chat room every day for the last week. Barely in touch the way we used to be. He's supposed to be looking for a job and has been doing utterly nothing. That's why he hasn't been in touch as often - busy doing bs that isn't helpful for him. It breaks my heart he's going backwards and now I can't even look at him as potential boyfriend, much less husband, material until he snaps out of it and gets responsible. Dude, you're turning 35 in a few weeks, why are you lounging around on your laptop in your mom's house playing video games and dicking around all day and not talking to me except to respond to my initiating messages. Come on.

But I can't say that kind of stuff to him. It'll just emasculate him and push him away and hurt. He needs to get together on his own terms. As his friend, it is just disappointing to see him slack and not be interested in working. Maybe he's taking a break, I don't know; he struggles with this stuff, changing careers from big law attorney to unemployed the last consecutive four years after quitting law, to inexperienced computer programmer. I offer him emotional support and some friendly reinforcement where I can. We do for each other. I'm just heartbroken and hoping that he comes around for himself, but also because I love him. Huge mistake on my part, but what did you expect to happen after being friends for five years? That I was going to be whisked away and fall in love with a complete stranger while this man is everything I ever wanted in a human being who I would feel comfortable spending a lifetime with?

See https://www.city-data.com/blogs/blog3...-lifelong.html It's about him, by the way.

I really don't know what to do without him around, and I shouldn't doubt his will. We shared goals and plans for this year with one another, and I want to see that we get through to finishing them, but at the same time I can't be the guy's supervisor - he's a man and is responsible for himself; this much I know, as he reminded me when I tried to offer to change my eating habits along with him to support his goal to lose 100 pounds, and he succinctly told me "I hope you know you don't have to deprive yourself on my sake, though. First, my own eating is my own responsibility. Second, you could lie and I won't know when I'm not around." I was silenced, yet assured, by this man's incredible sense of independence and this overwhelming sense that he can take care of himself without wanting his woman to have to change her lifestyle for him. No other man can silence me with this kind of assurance.

He has always been there for me, but this past week, I don't know what's happened. Perhaps he's too insecure to talk about not being productive and he feels like he doesn't want to disappoint me. I don't want to put pressure on the guy and I want him to be open with me like we've always been. Maybe he's starting to feel too close, too.

I just hope he gets back on track for his career. He's been getting up early and doing his workouts and going to bed at a decent hour, and that's great. But I hope he can curb this addiction to spending too much time online getting into things that aren't helping him reach his goals. In the meantime, I have my own to keep on track as well. But I am just an emotional wreck without him and he needs to cut the crap out.