I caught an old episode of the "Waltons" last night and it brought me back to my childhood. (Back to "simplier" times!)...My Dad used to call my younger son "John Boy" when he was small. My son loved it! (And remembered it all his life.)...You'd never catch my older son watching old reruns of the "Waltons" or "Little House on the Prairie." But my younger son loved watching these shows because they gave him a "window" into the past. And they were about families...My older son took pride in being a "modern" and "with the times" kind of guy! I'm sure he viewed the rest of us as "old grey mares" because we enjoyed telling "tales" from the past. And taking trips down "memory lane."...My younger son "ate" it all "up" and kept begging for "more" when we started sharing stories from the past. He said this gave him a chance to get to know us even "better." And he loved hearing about life back in the "old days."...Both of my sons are gone now along with my husband and parents and everyone else. I am the only "apple" left on my "family tree." Watching the old episode of the "Waltons" last night helped me feel like I was part of a family again. (And this was sure nice!)
Time to "own-up" to my grief...
Posted 05-26-2014 at 11:31 AM by CArizona
Yesterday, I realized that I haven't really dealt with my grief. (My grief over losing my husband and both my sons and other loved ones within a short span of time.)...I'm not "done" with the grief process. I haven't even "begun" to deal with all of my feelings!...So I decided to start a grief-journal to see if this helps me get the ball "rolling."
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I don't want to make other people feel "uncomfortable." So I don't bring up the deaths in my family very often...And no one mentions my husband or sons anymore. They are basically "out of sight, out of mind" to my friends. But, not to me!Posted 05-26-2014 at 12:56 PM by CArizona
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In order to "heal," I need to talk about my husband and sons and the "world" we used to share together.. I'm not really a "blank slate." And, I wasn't just "born yesterday!"...I have a history and a past and a family that "used to be" before everyone started dying. (One-by-one over a short span of time.)...It's going to take me awhile to deal with my huge "losses" and "major devastation."Posted 05-26-2014 at 01:03 PM by CArizona
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I had a major "melt-down" yesterday. (That was long overdue!)...The month of May is rough for me. Both of my sons were born in May. And my wedding anniversary always "falls" on (or close) to Mother's Day...Last year (and in previous years), I was still in a state of "numbness" when May rolled around. But, not this year!...This is a "feel all" and "feel everything" kind of year for me...Everyone around me is surprised that I'm still dealing with my grief. I used to get pats on the back for doing so "well."...I have to keep reminding friends that I've just stepped-out of my "numbness." And now, I have to let all of my feelings and emotions "come out" in order to "heal" and cross over to the other side of the "bridge" one day.Posted 05-26-2014 at 01:24 PM by CArizona
Updated 05-27-2014 at 10:01 AM by CArizona -
I've probably been "bland" and boring since my loved ones passed-away. A part of me "died-off" too...Sometimes, I feel like a "plug-in" or a "sidekick.".. I'm "on-call" when my friends need an "extra hand" or moral support, etc. But otherwise, I barely "exist."...This all has to change. It's boring to be a perpetual "sidekick" and not much else...I used to have a full-blown personality in my own "right." Time to rescue and recover the "real me!"Posted 05-27-2014 at 12:13 PM by CArizona
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When I was small, I lived right down the street from my Grandma. It was nice! I saw my Grandma every single day and we were super-close...My parents decided to buy a house in a neighboring town when I was 10...I didn't want to move away from my Grandma. The move really took a "toll" on me. I "shut-down" for quite awhile and refused to "adapt" to my new home and city, and my new school, etc...I didn't have anyone to talk to back then. So I kept all of my feelings "locked-away" inside of myself.. My Grandma developed health problems after we moved. And I felt responsible for her "downturn." She died a few years later.. I blamed myself for her death. (For decades.)Posted 05-27-2014 at 05:08 PM by CArizona
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I'm the "sole survivor" of my family. (The only one left!)...My son's cat Gracie is the "sole survivor" of all the cats we used to have. So, I'm not totally alone! Gracie keeps me "company." (And vica-versa!)...We miss the rest of our family members but we're sure glad that we (still) have each other!...When my son was alive, I was Gracie's "grandma." And my son played "uncle" to my cats...I don't feel like a "grandma" to Gracie right now. We're more like "girlfriends." Each day, we pull together and cuddle and talk and keep each other "going." Gracie is a wonderful companion. She doesn't ask for "much." She's not a spoiled and "fussy" cat...I'm glad Gracie is so affectionate! She's my "cuddle buddy!" And best friend right now.Posted 05-29-2014 at 08:14 AM by CArizona
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I used to teach "growth" classes. (In the 90's.) And one class was devoted to grief...Back then, I had no idea that I would end-up losing my entire family one day...And, I wasn't prepared to help people who had gone through "multiple losses." This was all "foreign" to me back in the 90's...I've sure gone through a complete "wipe-out!" It's going to take me awhile to "regroup."..."Regroup" seems like a good term to use because I'm going to have to find a way to bond with new people and new groups or families, etc...Right now, I'm sort of "floating around" with no "roots" anymore...My "family tree" still exists in my mind and memories but my relatives aren't physically "present" anymore...I'm here all by my "lonesome." (Except for my son's cat Gracie.)...I know I have to stop comparing friends to my family. This isn't fair...No one is going to be exactly like my family.Posted 05-30-2014 at 11:25 AM by CArizona
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I've been posting a little more in the grief forum lately.. Posting or blogging helps me get in touch with my feelings...I don't want to burden my friends by talking about my grief all the time. (In everyday life.)Posted 05-30-2014 at 02:39 PM by CArizona
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I don't want to go "back!" (Ever again!)...The relationship is completely over for me...It's taken me awhile to get to this "place." I used to put a friend up on a pedestal and I thought we were close. But most of the time, it was all an "illusion." It wasn't as "real" as it seemed...My grief over losing my family members made me vulnerable. I didn't take the time to look at "bigger pictures" until now...I don't hate my friend. (Not at all!) I've never been a "hater." And, I wish my friend the very "best."...I just don't want to "start" anything "up" again or go "back!"Posted 05-30-2014 at 10:16 PM by CArizona
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Sometimes, I can hear my Dad whisper in my ear: "Don't be a sore loser!" He used to tell me this when my team didn't win a game. Or, when I placed 2nd or 3rd in a spelling bee. (Versus coming out on top!)...I've been through a huge and monumental loss! No doubt about it...I lost my husband and sons and my entire family all within a few years...But, I don't want to be a "sore loser." I don't want to sentence myself to a life of misery. Or, "drown" in self-pity...My family doesn't want me to suffer and suffer. We always took pride in being able to pick ourselves back up! (No matter what life "threw" at us!)Posted 09-25-2014 at 06:55 PM by CArizona
