Invitation for Emasculation

I haven't been out since my wife left. I have made a conscious effort to avoid any romantic opportunities and conversations to allow myself a fair time to heal. It's hard!! I've consistently been with someone for the last 26 years, with the exception of the year after my first wife died. Even then, I went out prematurely with a couple women, and spent a lot of time in strip clubs just for the female companionship, regardless the level of intimacy that can be derived from that.

To choose to take some time for myself is a real sacrifice. I like flirting. I like the warmth of a woman's smile. I miss the company of a woman and all the great things that comes from sharing with one. However, I realize that I still need to balance adult interaction somehow, in order to remain mentally healthy. Because I am a single full time dad, joining any type of clubs or hobby groups, doesn't seem realistic for now. I am fortunate to have FB and email to provide the interaction that I feel is a reasonable alternative.

With all the mental and emotional distractions I've had, I am a lot further behind where I thought I would be right now. I do feel confidant that I am doing the right things, but just not getting closer to a place where I feel I need to be, and that is okay. Recognizing this, I have to be very measured with any interaction I am having with my female friends. I know this is cliche, but is hard to be just friends with a female!!

I have clearly expressed that I cannot allow myself to even give the impression, that I am offering the building blocks for any type of romantic relationship, and I have been reassured by each of these women that they understand that, and they aren't looking for anything more. That is cool! I can accept that. The difference is, I am okay with just a couple of talking points, to keep things with in a certain realm of topics. The difference on the women's part, it is full bore. In my opinion, women can talk about anything and everything!!!!! Typically, they don't have to have any emotional investment if they just want to share. I believe most women have always had girl and guy friends and all this is old hat to them. They can even make flirty or leading comments, but it is truly just being said in fun.

For me!, It is a lot harder to have that kind of fun. I am not used to having this kind of relationship with a woman, other than to typically have it lead up to some level of commitment, even if it was superficial. I have a tough time talking to the same woman day in and day out, and it not mean something, or involve a degree of emotional investment. I accept that this is small minded, and/or I am over thinking things. This is all new to me, and I sure can't do it everyday.

Recently one of the women I'm chatting with expressed that she is not understanding why I have difficulty with this. She reiterated that she isn't looking for anything from me. And I am finding difficulty in trying to express what the real challenge is for me. I am terrified to make a flirty or leading comment. I am afraid to show vulnerability. I fear the addiction of sharing on a consistent basis. I am afraid that maybe I may become attached, and this isn't where I want to start from. I want to be whole and comfortable with my solitude before I become attached again.

One of these women is the married woman I spoke about in another blog. I feel safer speaking with her, because she is married. There is a boundary in my head that I know I will never cross. The other woman is single, and she is the one I feel this challenge with. I guess now that I have taken some time to really sit down and think about this, I may just send this blog to her. I can't think of any other way to express these thoughts, and hopefully it will convey things more clearly on where I stand at this time.

Making new friends is supposed to be fun, right?

Update: So I sent her an edited version of this blog and it went over like a lead balloon. She sent me a snippy reply. HAHAHA I'm guessing that just goes to show she wanted more. Oh well. I guess I'm glad I didn't waste a bunch of time on it then. Even friendships with some women can be complicated HAHAHAHA