My Shell
I haven't used any social media in about seven or eight years. While I've had a FB account, it was the ex who would update it with photos and such. Here in the past couple months I've been on and been catching up with old friends who I haven't talked to in such a long time. Recently, through the catching up process, people have asked about my first wife. I've had to explain that she passed away.
Everyone's knee jerk reaction is one of regret for asking something that they assume is opening old wounds. They couldn't be further from the truth. It is a treat to me to talk about her. Yet, I don't, because I don't want to make the people asking to feel awkward. I have a lot of great memories of her. Of course her death nearly caused me to want to end my own life, but once I got over the initial loss, I can't help but look back and see how lucky I was to have her in my life. She was a special person. Not just to me, but to so many other people. She was inspirational. This blog entry is to share some of the examples that I don't get to share with others.
On the day I met Shelli, she was working with another woman getting ready to open a brand new restaurant. They both moved up from another state for this endeavor. I came in selling prints of impressionism artists and sold these two ladies, several. In the process of the sale, I was flirting, and once the sale was complete, I asked for the phone number of this girl. I saw her as courageous, intelligent, well spoken and friendly. A few hours later, some friends and I agreed to go to a place that night that was a movie theater/restaurant. We were going to see Oliver Stone's Natural Born Killers. I decided to invite this girl I met earlier. She agreed and brought the other manager, and we all had a great time. Drank a gallon of Gallo, ate pizza, went back to her apartment, and hung out for a bit. After a couple hours, she stood up and kicked everyone out, but told me to hang tight. The other manager resisted a bit. She was older and was concerned for her friends "clouded judgement", allowing me to stay. But Shell stood her ground and said she would be there in the morning, she needed to go. Next morning, we left together to each go to work. She expected never to see me again.
A few days later, I asked her out again. We ended up dating for months after that, but we were not exclusive, at my behest. I ended up joining them in the business and managed the kitchen, and I ended up hooking up with some of the wait staff as well, (I was a real POS). I was very up front with each of these women, it seemed stupid to lie, but it was what it appeared, a recipe for disaster. The morale of the restaurant staff and these women spiraled down to rock bottom. Eventually it got to a point where one day I told all of them, enough was enough and I wasn't going to see any of them any more. It wasn't a clean break. My apartment had become the hang out for so many people, and occasionally I would still hook up with a couple of them. Shelli was one of them. One day she approached me and told me that she was way late, and after a test, discovered she was pregnant. She was moving back home and she was going to have the baby, but I didn't have to worry about it, this was her choice and didn't want anything from me.
I had a tough time with her decision. A little person that I helped create and not be a part of that life, wasn't okay with me. It took me a while to get to a point where I could move down there, but we maintained a good friendship. Three months after my daughter was born, I was down there to stay. There were evenings where I stayed over, but again, I didn't have any intention of being exclusive, (I didn't think I had it in me.). One afternoon, she had had enough and told me that was it. She gave me a well deserved and long time earned lecture, that I had better step up and make a choice. She was strong, demanded respect, and fearless! It was the first time a woman demanded respect from me. She made me realize what a disrespectful, self entitled, piece of crap I was. I was so impressed! On that day, she suddenly stood out from every other woman I had ever been with. Several months later we were married.
Our marriage had some challenges like most do in the first years. I was given the opportunity to general manage a restaurant and we endured a move to another state. I spent all my time there and for the most part, left her at home to raise a toddler single handed. Once again, she stepped up, and expressed that this wasn't okay. She moved for me, leaving family and friends behind, and didn't feel I was being a very good partner. She didn't berate me. She was a great communicator! But this isn't what she signed up for! Once again, I was blown away with how strong she could be when she needed to be.
So I got another job that was much more flexible, and she decided that she was going to go to nursing school. For the next couple years, she balanced, almost effortlessly, being a devoted mother, a great partner and invested in her studies. When I say invested, I mean not accepting anything less than perfection in herself. Every test, quiz, assignment was met with such a sense of failure, yet she ALWAYS aced them. When she was eight months pregnant with our second child, she graduated the top of her class, achieving the highest gpa to date at the time of that nursing program. After she graduated, she applied to a few different hospitals, and chose a position in a neuro trauma ICU. I was so proud of her!!
After she passed away one of her coworkers wrote this about her;
"Shelli chose to face death everyday of her life. Despite the emotional, psychological, and physical demands as a registered nurse in the neuro trauma ICU, Shelli chose to extend her very being to be the "healing hands" to the sick and the compassionate liaison to the distraught family member. Although patient and family will never know it, and Shelli would never admit it, she walked out of the hospital many a morning and literally was the one that saved someone's life. Her astute nursing assessment skills provided prompt patient care for subtle details that many others may have missed. She was always so excited about her job and the ability to be instrumental in such life changing events. She provided comfort to the dying and reassurance to the family. She empathized with the young mother who lost her child, to the elderly, frail old man, sitting by the bed of his dying wife of 50 years in a prayerful vigil. She lovingly cared for the young person whose life would be changed forever due to a tragic accident, and the family left to put all the pieces back together.
Together we were more a family than a team. She was more like our right hand instead of a team member and without her we will be forever incomplete.
We all love you so much Shelli and will always mourn the loss of our "Little Momma"."
written by a good friend, A.S. July 2004
The eight months before she passed away, we had purchased a new home, and for the first time could afford to actually decorate it the way we chose to. She really enjoyed that freedom!
She often took my daughter out for ladies day and they would go to the museum, theater or get mani and pedis.
She worked out every other day and loved her time in the gym as a way to stay mentally fit as well as physical.
She would write letters all the time to her friends instead of phone calls and would continue to write even without reciprocation.
For my birthday one year she bought me a poker table, it was/is the best tangible gift I have ever been given.
She would be the first to greet new neighbors, always bring over a house warming casserole or dessert.
I don't know how she was able to manage it all, but she always did it with a smile. She was at peace with life and it was amazing to experience life with her.
For her 33rd birthday, late June, I got a little notebook and had everyone she worked with, family and friends, sign it with a little blurb. One of the best ideas I ever had, and she was deeply touched. I remodeled our bathroom in a single night, and threw her a surprise birthday party, complete with DJ and she/we just had a blast dancing well in to the morning.
Two weeks later we went to a lake in VA for the week, for our family vacation. We rented a jet ski. Just before she went out on it, with my niece on the back, I took a picture of her. She was just glowing with happiness! It was the last the time I saw her alive. About 20 minutes later she collided with a boat going way to fast on that lake.
She was at the top of her game and life just seemed to get better and better. If she had a final moment to reflect, I feel in my heart that she was happy and that life was beautiful. She was such an amazing woman and my everything.
When we had her funeral in Charlotte, the sheriff told my dad that it was one of the longest funeral processions he had ever seen. I received tons of letters from the families of her patients stating how she was so wonderfully supportive to them during their time of need.
Now that I have written this, HAHAHA, I understand why I don't try to tell people about her. (I can imagine people from the movie Airplane when they tried to commit suicide when Ted would talk about the war). If you endured this whole read, thanks.
I don't expect I will EVER meet another person who is so balanced as she was. She is not the standard to which I expect any other partner of mine to be. She was an anomaly. My second wife could never understand this, and would constantly hold herself to this unreasonable expectation that this is what I expected of her. As a result, and my inability to express this, I don't think I could ever date someone who has read this. Maybe that is sort sighted on my part, but I'm usually tight lipped to what an amazing woman she was. It does feel good to express this out loud after keeping tight lipped about her for so long.
Everyone's knee jerk reaction is one of regret for asking something that they assume is opening old wounds. They couldn't be further from the truth. It is a treat to me to talk about her. Yet, I don't, because I don't want to make the people asking to feel awkward. I have a lot of great memories of her. Of course her death nearly caused me to want to end my own life, but once I got over the initial loss, I can't help but look back and see how lucky I was to have her in my life. She was a special person. Not just to me, but to so many other people. She was inspirational. This blog entry is to share some of the examples that I don't get to share with others.
On the day I met Shelli, she was working with another woman getting ready to open a brand new restaurant. They both moved up from another state for this endeavor. I came in selling prints of impressionism artists and sold these two ladies, several. In the process of the sale, I was flirting, and once the sale was complete, I asked for the phone number of this girl. I saw her as courageous, intelligent, well spoken and friendly. A few hours later, some friends and I agreed to go to a place that night that was a movie theater/restaurant. We were going to see Oliver Stone's Natural Born Killers. I decided to invite this girl I met earlier. She agreed and brought the other manager, and we all had a great time. Drank a gallon of Gallo, ate pizza, went back to her apartment, and hung out for a bit. After a couple hours, she stood up and kicked everyone out, but told me to hang tight. The other manager resisted a bit. She was older and was concerned for her friends "clouded judgement", allowing me to stay. But Shell stood her ground and said she would be there in the morning, she needed to go. Next morning, we left together to each go to work. She expected never to see me again.
A few days later, I asked her out again. We ended up dating for months after that, but we were not exclusive, at my behest. I ended up joining them in the business and managed the kitchen, and I ended up hooking up with some of the wait staff as well, (I was a real POS). I was very up front with each of these women, it seemed stupid to lie, but it was what it appeared, a recipe for disaster. The morale of the restaurant staff and these women spiraled down to rock bottom. Eventually it got to a point where one day I told all of them, enough was enough and I wasn't going to see any of them any more. It wasn't a clean break. My apartment had become the hang out for so many people, and occasionally I would still hook up with a couple of them. Shelli was one of them. One day she approached me and told me that she was way late, and after a test, discovered she was pregnant. She was moving back home and she was going to have the baby, but I didn't have to worry about it, this was her choice and didn't want anything from me.
I had a tough time with her decision. A little person that I helped create and not be a part of that life, wasn't okay with me. It took me a while to get to a point where I could move down there, but we maintained a good friendship. Three months after my daughter was born, I was down there to stay. There were evenings where I stayed over, but again, I didn't have any intention of being exclusive, (I didn't think I had it in me.). One afternoon, she had had enough and told me that was it. She gave me a well deserved and long time earned lecture, that I had better step up and make a choice. She was strong, demanded respect, and fearless! It was the first time a woman demanded respect from me. She made me realize what a disrespectful, self entitled, piece of crap I was. I was so impressed! On that day, she suddenly stood out from every other woman I had ever been with. Several months later we were married.
Our marriage had some challenges like most do in the first years. I was given the opportunity to general manage a restaurant and we endured a move to another state. I spent all my time there and for the most part, left her at home to raise a toddler single handed. Once again, she stepped up, and expressed that this wasn't okay. She moved for me, leaving family and friends behind, and didn't feel I was being a very good partner. She didn't berate me. She was a great communicator! But this isn't what she signed up for! Once again, I was blown away with how strong she could be when she needed to be.
So I got another job that was much more flexible, and she decided that she was going to go to nursing school. For the next couple years, she balanced, almost effortlessly, being a devoted mother, a great partner and invested in her studies. When I say invested, I mean not accepting anything less than perfection in herself. Every test, quiz, assignment was met with such a sense of failure, yet she ALWAYS aced them. When she was eight months pregnant with our second child, she graduated the top of her class, achieving the highest gpa to date at the time of that nursing program. After she graduated, she applied to a few different hospitals, and chose a position in a neuro trauma ICU. I was so proud of her!!
After she passed away one of her coworkers wrote this about her;
"Shelli chose to face death everyday of her life. Despite the emotional, psychological, and physical demands as a registered nurse in the neuro trauma ICU, Shelli chose to extend her very being to be the "healing hands" to the sick and the compassionate liaison to the distraught family member. Although patient and family will never know it, and Shelli would never admit it, she walked out of the hospital many a morning and literally was the one that saved someone's life. Her astute nursing assessment skills provided prompt patient care for subtle details that many others may have missed. She was always so excited about her job and the ability to be instrumental in such life changing events. She provided comfort to the dying and reassurance to the family. She empathized with the young mother who lost her child, to the elderly, frail old man, sitting by the bed of his dying wife of 50 years in a prayerful vigil. She lovingly cared for the young person whose life would be changed forever due to a tragic accident, and the family left to put all the pieces back together.
Together we were more a family than a team. She was more like our right hand instead of a team member and without her we will be forever incomplete.
We all love you so much Shelli and will always mourn the loss of our "Little Momma"."
written by a good friend, A.S. July 2004
The eight months before she passed away, we had purchased a new home, and for the first time could afford to actually decorate it the way we chose to. She really enjoyed that freedom!
She often took my daughter out for ladies day and they would go to the museum, theater or get mani and pedis.
She worked out every other day and loved her time in the gym as a way to stay mentally fit as well as physical.
She would write letters all the time to her friends instead of phone calls and would continue to write even without reciprocation.
For my birthday one year she bought me a poker table, it was/is the best tangible gift I have ever been given.
She would be the first to greet new neighbors, always bring over a house warming casserole or dessert.
I don't know how she was able to manage it all, but she always did it with a smile. She was at peace with life and it was amazing to experience life with her.
For her 33rd birthday, late June, I got a little notebook and had everyone she worked with, family and friends, sign it with a little blurb. One of the best ideas I ever had, and she was deeply touched. I remodeled our bathroom in a single night, and threw her a surprise birthday party, complete with DJ and she/we just had a blast dancing well in to the morning.
Two weeks later we went to a lake in VA for the week, for our family vacation. We rented a jet ski. Just before she went out on it, with my niece on the back, I took a picture of her. She was just glowing with happiness! It was the last the time I saw her alive. About 20 minutes later she collided with a boat going way to fast on that lake.
She was at the top of her game and life just seemed to get better and better. If she had a final moment to reflect, I feel in my heart that she was happy and that life was beautiful. She was such an amazing woman and my everything.
When we had her funeral in Charlotte, the sheriff told my dad that it was one of the longest funeral processions he had ever seen. I received tons of letters from the families of her patients stating how she was so wonderfully supportive to them during their time of need.
Now that I have written this, HAHAHA, I understand why I don't try to tell people about her. (I can imagine people from the movie Airplane when they tried to commit suicide when Ted would talk about the war). If you endured this whole read, thanks.
I don't expect I will EVER meet another person who is so balanced as she was. She is not the standard to which I expect any other partner of mine to be. She was an anomaly. My second wife could never understand this, and would constantly hold herself to this unreasonable expectation that this is what I expected of her. As a result, and my inability to express this, I don't think I could ever date someone who has read this. Maybe that is sort sighted on my part, but I'm usually tight lipped to what an amazing woman she was. It does feel good to express this out loud after keeping tight lipped about her for so long.
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