Ex and O's

The Ex-when I met her on a forum she didn't post much, when she did, from what I recall, it was kind and supportive. She seemed to have a good sense of humor. I used to flirt all the time, and she never bought into it. That intrigued me. I had to trick her in to talking with me by sending her a picture of a plant she might help me identify. In the back ground was a naked reflection of me. You would have had to study the picture, but I figured if she was curious to see what was reflected sitting on my bathroom counter, then she could see everything. (I know, I'm F'd up)

So it worked, we struck up an online relationship. I found out that she had traveled a lot. She had a Masters in Literature and a minor in Archaeology. While she attended school she had a son. She was in tuned enough to recognize something was off and he was diagnosed with autism. She got him some specialized treatment for him early, from what I've read, that may have helped him immensely. He certainly holds a special place in my heart. She took him everywhere, doing so many cool activities. She had a job. I was pretty impressed. When I met her, we had a blast! And, she didn't put out on the first night!! A few weeks later, we thought getting our families to meet was a good idea. It was great! Everybody got along great, and our two boys have been joined at the hip ever since. After a couple months, she relocated and moved in with me. For the first couple years she would take these kids to museums, the park, zoo, trips to the beach.

She started out as good. Overtime, but shortly after we were married, I started to recognize a pattern of behavior which led me to believe she was insecure in our relationship. I didn't create that insecurity, I think I understood where it came from, and I did help bring it to the surface.

When she first came to my house, I had pictures of my deceased wife up with the kids, and a family portrait. (I'm still on the fence with if it's ok or not). I also made a point to introduce her to my 1st wife's family. It made her feel like second fiddle. I tried to invest myself to make her feel special over time, but I couldn't express that I would have done it different. I know, this is redundant.

At this point, I get more frustrated, that she doesn't seem to be spending any time working on herself. She doesn't seem to be dealing with a sense of loss, or guilt, remorse, sadness. She just goes on like a wrecking ball. Because she wasn't willing to work on herself, I allowed myself to get caught in the cross fire, and I do want to call her out on it!! I do!, but I know I have tried a thousand different approaches when we were together and now it's not my F'n problem. It's not my problem. It's not my F'n problem. Why should I care? (There is an old Italian woman's voice in my head saying this)

The last couple years we each brought out the monsters in each of us. Crazy s**t!!

I know it's wasn't my responsibility to fix her. But as I've said before, it's hard to turn your back on someone who appears to have had so much potential. I think 80% of people would have thrived with the support I tried to offer. I know that what she chooses to do with the rest of her life is really none of my business.

This isn't me having second thoughts, wanting her back, or anything, it's just me trying to cope with the crap that bubbles up.