Balanced or Unbalanced

For those of you who have read my posts and or read my blog, one thing we can all agree on is that I am very self centered. I can't argue that.

I am on a search for balance and what that means to me. I have a seedy, dark side, and I also have a side that sees a clear example of what I deem as right, respectable, classy, kind, forgiving and decent. I have walked both side of the fence, convincingly.

My journey is to find myself in what are more reasonable parameters than either, or.

As I have said before, with the birth of my first child, my daughter, my life changed almost immediately. I went from someone who had spent years of displaying poor moral values, and dangerous behavior, to some one who displayed the values of something better for themselves. This came full circle when the mother and I became closer and eventually married. She was someone who had a good grasp of what balance is and I grew as a person in many ways through that relationship. It created a deep impression of what I deemed as someone who is a healthy person. And to be honest, I was 27 and for the first time I was finding someone like this. I had never felt cared for by another person. I know my parents loved me and all that, but I never felt cared for growing up, and there is a big difference. That lack of care I think helped perpetuate the outlandish behaviors I did, (and still do to a degree)


When I lost her, my first wife, I tried to continue what I learned up to that point. I suspect most people would call that maturity. What I didn't learn at that time was why were those choices and decisions were important to me. I was simply imitating successful behavior, I wasn't creating it on my own merit. I was still using gimmicks to achieve a goal, as I can see is reoccurring through out my blogs.

After a couple years, I found another woman. She had some of the qualities I felt were the "right" qualities. Right for who?, I don't know. In hindsight, it wasn't me. But with out taking the time to be self centered when I had the opportunity, and learn why I had this artificial perspective of what is right, was wrong. Oddly enough, most of what she perceived to learn about who I am came from a forum. Taking my posts and using her own story to create a character that she was drawn to. I think that happens a lot on line.

Instead of coming into the relationship with a solid sense of self, I was teetering on the concept of what appears right, AND what comes from the heart. I carried that mindset for several years into my relationship. Often analyzing why things were going poorly and what can we do about it, instead of taking a moment and asking myself how it made me feel! This relationship was doomed from the beginning, by two people who had no business entering into a relationship!

Over the past couple years, I have continued to mature, gain wisdom, learn insight. Couples counseling and individual counseling have helped a lot. I have learned that part of what fills the void I mention, is listening to your heart. In my younger years, I would have assumed only a woman would say that. Now I believe it is what someone smart would say. That balance is a chemistry of love, happiness, morals, ethics, self esteem and self sacrifice. I've still got a lot of work to do. Don't know if I have to go the whole journey alone. Time will tell.

Another by product of that second marriage, and only I can hold myself accountable for this, is how low I allowed myself to get in order to hold on to a relationship. I still don't know at what point is it okay to throw up your hands and say to someone, "I"m sorry, but you aren't worth it." I feel that knowledge should be something I am very familiar with before another partner can even be considered.

I like this blog format because it gives me an opportunity to call BS on myself. I also am spurred on by some of the thoughts I get in the threads. I used to keep journals at very short intervals through out my life, and what I felt was worth documenting about, at this point in my life, has no real value other than another crazy story.