For Starters... January

New beginnings are historically an optimistic time for me when I let my mind create this warm, fuzzy picture of how this time is going to be great. Somehow, all those I encounter -- me, for starters, will awake to their life's blessings and will be so enthused about sharing them that overnight the world will finally learn how to sing in perfect harmony.

And then, reality sets in....

So far, as of today, January 12th, I am still headed for the fall. I am STILL feeling good about the year, DESPITE the realities.

Perhaps, I really AM becoming more tolerant, as I have been trying to condition myself to being -- more accepting of life on life's terms. Specifically, life has a lot of warts, bumps, and boils. As my horrid little step mother used to love to point out in her amazingly caustic humor: "Everything alive eats, poops, and throws up." (Which she would follow with open mouthed, shrieking whoops of laughter. )

So, when I bombed two job interviews the first two days of this week, I stepped over the blow to my ego and concluded that I didn't really want either of them. I only applied for them because I felt I should to satisfy my DH, social expectations, etc.

Driving home in the dark, cold night after the first interview, I realized that I was just not as great as I liked to think of myself (professionally) and I've let my job skills become obsolete. Further, my silent inner voice told me I didn't really care.

I thought about that the rest of the drive through gridlock traffic, in the wind-driven rain. I realized I'd dreaded the interview, and was still dreading the one to come the next day for the second job. (No wonder I bombed.)

So, I spoke aloud my year's resolution, to let me actually HEAR the words: "I resolve to be the manifestation of my faith that with God all things end well. And so it is."

I decided from then on that whatever I do I will do not because I SHOULD, but because it is in alignment with who God created me to BE. By nature I first see people's potential, and feel compassion for those that don't realize that about themselves. That is who God intended me to be, and that is who I will be regardless of social or professional expectation. That probably means I am not going to be landing any technical jobs, because those jobs do not care about people. I do.

So, while I am not working, I am now ACTING to benefit others, particularly those that need benefiting. I started knitting mittens for homeless people from the yarn left over from Bigun's Christmas sweater. It's not much, but it's a start.

I also got DH to join me in volunteering at a local food distributor for our regions' food banks -- at least 300 of them. It was two hours of working side by side taking potatoes from a 1,000 lb bin and packing them into sacks of 4.5-5.0 lbs, and loading them into boxes to be put on pallets and later trucked out. It was great. We averaged 150 meals per volunteer that night -- 300 between DH and myself. It felt GREAT!

I plan to contact the county social services to see what jobs I might qualify to apply.

More importantly, I am putting it up to God to show me my way -- and have faith about it when it appears.