My mom 3-3-12

So a lot of people think I hate my mom, when that is not the case at all.
My mom and I simply don't get along, we have so many differences, we don't see eye to eye on anything and we are just very different people, with very different ideas, outlooks, viewpoints, whatever and extremely different personalities.

As far as MY feelings go I don't feel like my mom has EVER liked me.
When I was younger my mom put me in pagents, I was extremly shy as a young child, I didn't really like it, as I got older I was more tomboyish, I HATED the frilly, itchy dresses I had to wear, my mom NEVER remembered to bring a change of clothes for after my pagent so I had to stay in the clothes longer than was necessary.

I hated my hair curled, I preferred it straight, I preferred comfortable clothes. I wasn't girly, I wasn't prissy and it just wasn't my thing. My mom held it against me, "look at what I did for you as a child" "look how much time and effort was put it". Quality not quantity, mom. She would have been better off with a mommy and me swim class or putting me in soccer when I was 3-10 year old instead of the pagents I was in.

She NEVER supported me in anything I liked to do because SHE didn't like, she always let me know how much she didn't like something and always compared me to other girls or people she did "like" or thought I should be more like. This is all before the age of 10 too.

Even that young I never got the feeling she liked me for me, she always wanted me to be something different.

I don't feel like I got the attention a mother should give a daughter. When all my friends got their periods, they already knew about this stuff, I was vaguely informed before mine, I was 11. My friends mom's took them out and helped them pick out pads AND tampons. My mom just handed me one of her pads and got back on her computer. :/

She never gave me the time of day to have a private conversation, everything had to be discussed out in the open, usually infront of my brother who is 5 years younger and everyone wonders where my inability to talk to my mom comes from, or the fact that I never tell her anything.

It got even worse during my tween years, when I finally DID get more girly, I still loved my sports but I hit 11/12 and got into make-up and clothes and purses and all I wanted my mom to do was spend sometime with me and bond over shopping for those things.

Instead she told me crazy **** like women only wore make-up to attract men for sex, NEVER even taught me how to put it on once she allowed me to wear it.
Told me tampons were only for women who had already had sex and then proceeded to stare me down and yell at me "ARE YOU READY FOR SEX?" ( I was 12/13, I didn't to get laid, I just didn't want to sit in my own uterus lining on some nasty pad that made me feel like I was wearing a diaper.)

Then it felt like she didn't like me because I was into make-up, straightening my hair, wearing cool clothes, going to the mall, spending hours at the pool during the summer.

I again wasn't like her.
She's more natural, never wears make-up, always wear jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers. Likes nature, photography and being "disconnected", while she played calm music like Anna Nalick or Anya.
At that age I was more into the latest simple plan CD, blink-182, I loved going to the mall, wearing make-up, doing my hair, listening to music, spending my time after school talking on the phone or going somewhere, spending the whole day at the pool, swimming, laying out, gossiping with friends.

Kinda sad a parent lets stuff as trivial as differences in personality get in the way of accepting and loving their child.

The fighting started when I was 13 or so, ALWAYS over our differences, she didn't like the music I listened to, I had a CD player, SHE wasn't forced to listen to it or over the fact I wanted to go hang out with friends.

I was a good kid, got myself up for school, made pretty good grades, I was a volleyball player/swimmer in middle school, I didn't get in trouble, I kept my room clean, I washed my own laundry, I didn't swear in front of her. I did everything right. Again, we had such different interests and she reminded me all the time of how much she hated everything I liked.

It got EVEN worse, when I got to be about 16 or so and I was tired of being the pudgy, shy, awkward kid in high school. I wanted to be more in shape, I wanted to work out and look better, I wanted to be pretty, I wanted to fit in and of course to my mom pretty/fits in = major **** well being pretty/fitting in /= being a ****.

Pretty much anything but remaining pretty much 11 years old mentally for the rest of my life would make me a huge tramp.

After 15, I had a whole new set of interest, my ipod, my cell phone with texting, my friends and playing soccer. I liked sleeping in on the weekends. I liked going online and talking to my friends (who I knew in real life from school) on MySpace, redecorating my page. Just being a teenager.

But she wanted me to be different, she always expressed how she rather I play a musical instrument than play soccer, hated the fact that I wanted to be an FBI agent, begged me to look into other careers. Begged me to reconsider marine biology, but I wanted to spend time in the ocean, not in a lab.

But I wore the cool clothes, I had the low rise jeans, I played sports, I tried my hardest to fit in, loved being social, loved technology.
And since I wasn't a classical instrument playing, cardigan wear, low rise jean hater who had no interest in technology and fitting in, she reminded me every chance she got of how much she hated the things I liked.

Again I was still a good kid. I played sports year round, I got decent grades, I didn't get into trouble, I didn't hang out with a bad crowd, I didn't get into trouble.

Let's not mention wanting freedom....maybe I should.
Anytime I wanted ANY space, any privacy and an national emergency was made out of it, suspicions flare.

I didn't get my driver's license till I was 18 and even then wasn't allowed to drive the car alone for like 4-5 months after that.
My brother got his license at like 16 1/2 and was allowed the drive alone the VERY SAME DAY.

He's 17 now and has no curfew, does whatever he wants, goes though girls faster than he does the powerade I buy for myself that HE takes.
He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and she's totally cool with it.

I'm not crazy for thinking there is a favorite child. Her little prodigy, he's smart, he plays multiple musical instruments (all self-taught), wasn't sports obsessed, doesn't care about fitting in or that much about technology.

So, the end product....is a mom who STILL hates everything about me. Hates the fact that I want(ed) to be a cop, I no longer do but hated my career choice. She hates the clothes I wear still (American Eagle/Hollister/Forever 21), still hates the kind of music I listen to (hip hop), doesn't get my sense of humor, still hates the fact that I don't go to bed at 10pm every night/gets up early at like 9am (hates, totally hates the fact that I am a night owl). She either doesn't like/get me and doesn't even try to.

And then you have me, who just wants a mom who accepts me for who I am. So what I like doing the smokey eye make-up and she likes being more natural, does that mean she has to take it out on me all the time, tell me how stupid she thinks I look or how much she hates how I do my make-up.

I don't hate my mom, I just want her to care about me without any stipulations or me having to change. I know I can't change her so I compensate for that by NOT talking to her about personal things, I don't let her in because if I don't let her in she can't hurt me. If I don't spend more time than necessary with her then she doesn't have the oppurtunity to treat me like crap or remind me of all the things she hates about me.

It's naturally defending myself, just because she is my mom doesn't mean that I have to throw myself to the wolves and allow myself to be in those positions where I have the endure the hatred that feels for everything about me. Not trap myself in a position where she can berate and belittle me.

So yes I am one angry human being, I resent my mom for the way she's treated me and distance myself from her at all cost so I don't have to be ready and avaliable for the unnecessary things that come out of her mouth.

I don't know many people, NORMAL people who would keep putting themselves in that situation. Who would allow someone to keep doing that to them? I don't know anyone who could tolerate it over and over again.

I never have been a "bad kid".
I never got arrested.
I never did drugs.
I never drank outside the house till I was like 18 or 19.
I wasn't some boy hopping ****, never had a boyfriend in high school.
I didn't stay out late in high school.
I always did the right thing.
I played sports almost contantly.
I did pretty average jr/sr year.
I was what you would call a good kid. Yes, I had my moments, my teenage hormonal girl moments, I had my "fat days" and my days where nothing looked good and I was an emotional mess but I never was that teen who was sneaking out and doing drugs and skipping school to hook up with some guy.

So, there's not some deep hatred for my mom, I love my mom, I love my mom for who she is, I never once have thought of her negatively for being more natural, liking the things she's liked or doing the things she does. I accept her for who she is, I don't hate the things she likes either, I just don't prefer them for myself but its great that she likes the things she does. I just want that same respect from her.

I personally don't blame myself for harboring so much resentment, anyone would, you can forgive but you can't put it out of your mind completely, especially when the behavior is still current and there all the time. I can't blame myself for not being close to her, if I let her in and let her close she just hurts me, I am guarding myself from getting hurt, totally normal.

Maybe one day she'll come to her senses and see how much she's hurt me over the years by not accepting me for who I am. Maybe one day she can look past such trivial things and see that she has a good daughter, who always has been smart and strong willed.

So I didn't want a bedtime at 19, I wanted to be able to drive the car like everyone else my age did, I wanted to be trusted and had never given a reason not to. Not out there to want at all. Its not like I was asking to run a prostitution ring out of our 2-story suburban home to feed a raging coke habit.

So there we go, all out there...