My Mothers Mentality.
Posted 12-23-2011 at 03:25 PM by Pikantari
This has been a very different year for me, I am learning. I have learned to allow myself to be truly loved as well as to love myself. It has taken a lot to be able to do, and truthfully, I am not fully there.
I sit here across from him as he sleeps. I look at him and think of how much I love him and how he has really changed my life and helped me be the person I am. The person I have been all of these years has been bottled up inside of me.
Tomorrow will mark eleven years since my mothers passing. She left us on December 24, 2000. Each year since then has been very difficult for me to get through. I have come to a very important realization this year.
All it took was sitting down and having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day. I told her that every year from The beginning of November through April is very tough for me but somehow this year was different.
I sat and thought about it and asked myself what was different this year. He is what is different this year. HE has made ME feel different. He has made me happy.
There is the difference. All of these years I have begun the season of death and loss, birth and remembrance as an already unhappy person. Then the thoughts of the loss of my parents, their birth and death days, the holidays; they hall fall within this time period, as well as does my birthday.
Going into this time is difficult enough as it is, but trying to take in on as an unhappy person, even worse. I decided about a month ago that this is it. This is the year that is going to be different. I really didn't want him to see me this way.
That coupled with my thoughts of self worthlessness. I didn't want to bring him to that place. He makes me so very happy, and I think I lend the same to him.
I have not stopped thinking of her, my mother is forever with me. Right now I am just truly happy. It has really made all the difference in the world.
He bought another ornament for me today. Just an R with little crystals on it. It hangs right next to the J with little crystals on it. How something like that can make me overjoyed, I cannot begin to tell you.
We were in the store today looking at coffee pots and things and we came across one of the tiny ones that makes just over a cup or so of coffee, maybe two small cups. I said,"Look at this! This is just like the first coffee pot I had ever had."
He looked at me almost perplexed and I began to tell him how I was not allowed to have coffee in my ex-husbands and my house, let alone coffee. Towards the end I bought that little one. I was gaining more confidence and courage in myself.
He looked at me with a hurt in his eyes. "You've got to be kidding me..." I asked him to look at my face and tell me if it looked like I was kidding and he said no. I told him that is why I always feel like it is so great that he gets up in the morning and makes me coffee everyday. I don't think he will ever know what he means to me.
This year, I surely know.
I sit here across from him as he sleeps. I look at him and think of how much I love him and how he has really changed my life and helped me be the person I am. The person I have been all of these years has been bottled up inside of me.
Tomorrow will mark eleven years since my mothers passing. She left us on December 24, 2000. Each year since then has been very difficult for me to get through. I have come to a very important realization this year.
All it took was sitting down and having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day. I told her that every year from The beginning of November through April is very tough for me but somehow this year was different.
I sat and thought about it and asked myself what was different this year. He is what is different this year. HE has made ME feel different. He has made me happy.
There is the difference. All of these years I have begun the season of death and loss, birth and remembrance as an already unhappy person. Then the thoughts of the loss of my parents, their birth and death days, the holidays; they hall fall within this time period, as well as does my birthday.
Going into this time is difficult enough as it is, but trying to take in on as an unhappy person, even worse. I decided about a month ago that this is it. This is the year that is going to be different. I really didn't want him to see me this way.
That coupled with my thoughts of self worthlessness. I didn't want to bring him to that place. He makes me so very happy, and I think I lend the same to him.
I have not stopped thinking of her, my mother is forever with me. Right now I am just truly happy. It has really made all the difference in the world.
He bought another ornament for me today. Just an R with little crystals on it. It hangs right next to the J with little crystals on it. How something like that can make me overjoyed, I cannot begin to tell you.
We were in the store today looking at coffee pots and things and we came across one of the tiny ones that makes just over a cup or so of coffee, maybe two small cups. I said,"Look at this! This is just like the first coffee pot I had ever had."
He looked at me almost perplexed and I began to tell him how I was not allowed to have coffee in my ex-husbands and my house, let alone coffee. Towards the end I bought that little one. I was gaining more confidence and courage in myself.
He looked at me with a hurt in his eyes. "You've got to be kidding me..." I asked him to look at my face and tell me if it looked like I was kidding and he said no. I told him that is why I always feel like it is so great that he gets up in the morning and makes me coffee everyday. I don't think he will ever know what he means to me.
This year, I surely know.
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