Happy Tears
Posted 12-19-2011 at 08:41 AM by Pikantari
I sit here happy. The newest ornament on the tree is by far, the biggest one. I have been, for three weeks now, speaking to a lady therapist about my life in general. It is just like going to have coffee with a friend and talking. Just getting things out.
I find it a bit strange, that this is how it feels. I have gone in the past and it has always seemed a bit more 'clinical'. I am a different person now. Before I was a very uptight person. Afraid of my life. I never knew who the real me was, and I was just a shell of a person then.
When I lost my father it killed me and so it began. My husband seemed to think ti gave him the license to treat me badly, and so he did. We had our children and they were my only happiness.
Then I lost my mother as well. That did me in. The shell of a person was truly shattered and left was a form. Floating through life, I was not even that shell of a person. The hammer and chisel had been used to break the shell down and what remained was... nothing. No one.
I go to this lady and we talk. I sit there with my Starbux and she asks me questions. She seems almost intrigued with my life, and sometimes she just looks at me. I tell her things and she just looks. Her eyes show sadness. She has to regroup, and gets on another subject.
Everything I am doing now is what she would suggest I do, but I tell her what has happened after the fact. I try and take the psychology route through a lot of places in my life. I love to study people, and it has helped me tremendously, in life.
Yesterday before we went out shopping a Christmas video came on the tv. I told him it was one of my favorite groups and as I sat across the room from him I told him that this year is different for me. I let him know that normally I am not doing so well at all and this song would bring me to the ground.
He already knew all of this. I told him what the season does to me.....every year. I told him that I thought HE is the one who made this year different. He looked at me in silence and he smiled. I told him that year after year I was an unhappy person. Every year, this time of year is very hard for me.
The words came out of my head and in my mind, it was like pieces of a puzzle coming together. It was not in slow motion like many things seem to be. No. It all came around rapidly. My mothers death, the time before that, every year around this time before and after her death. Sadness sadness sadness hurt hurt hurt.
I was not happy before she died. Not in my life, not in my marriage. Then she was gone. I thought that all these years that season came along, to include Thanksgiving, and that I was always so sad because of the loss of my parents.
I realized that was not just it. Looking back to each and every year, I was already unhappy in my life. The season came and went, and I was sad, because they were not in it. It is always hard, with my mom having passed on Christmas Eve. But I was never happy to begin with.
All of this was coming together from this way and that.
He called me just a little while ago, to see how I was doing, to see if I was feeling any better. I was feeling better yesterday as compared to the day before, but only ok today, and I think he could tell this morning as we lay there together in bed in the very early morning hours before he got up to get ready for work.
So this year is different. Its different because I started out happy. I began the season of loss and death happy in my life and not unhappy.
This is the first year since 1995 that I have been happy in my own life during this time. That is a long time to be unhappy. He has no idea. There is no way I could begin to tell him.
I sat across from him trying to find the words. They wouldn't come. There was no explaining to him. I moved from my couch to his and wrapped my arms around him. How could someone, one person have such a profound effect one anothers life? I have no idea. What I do know, is that it is possible.
By now, I should have know this. I knew what my husband could do to me, all those many years. If he could bring me to the other end of the happiness scale, then why could there not be someone to bring me to the happy end?
I am rambling, I know this. I normally always am. Tears of happiness feel so much better than the ones of sadness. Tears are tears, right? No.
I find it a bit strange, that this is how it feels. I have gone in the past and it has always seemed a bit more 'clinical'. I am a different person now. Before I was a very uptight person. Afraid of my life. I never knew who the real me was, and I was just a shell of a person then.
When I lost my father it killed me and so it began. My husband seemed to think ti gave him the license to treat me badly, and so he did. We had our children and they were my only happiness.
Then I lost my mother as well. That did me in. The shell of a person was truly shattered and left was a form. Floating through life, I was not even that shell of a person. The hammer and chisel had been used to break the shell down and what remained was... nothing. No one.
I go to this lady and we talk. I sit there with my Starbux and she asks me questions. She seems almost intrigued with my life, and sometimes she just looks at me. I tell her things and she just looks. Her eyes show sadness. She has to regroup, and gets on another subject.
Everything I am doing now is what she would suggest I do, but I tell her what has happened after the fact. I try and take the psychology route through a lot of places in my life. I love to study people, and it has helped me tremendously, in life.
Yesterday before we went out shopping a Christmas video came on the tv. I told him it was one of my favorite groups and as I sat across the room from him I told him that this year is different for me. I let him know that normally I am not doing so well at all and this song would bring me to the ground.
He already knew all of this. I told him what the season does to me.....every year. I told him that I thought HE is the one who made this year different. He looked at me in silence and he smiled. I told him that year after year I was an unhappy person. Every year, this time of year is very hard for me.
The words came out of my head and in my mind, it was like pieces of a puzzle coming together. It was not in slow motion like many things seem to be. No. It all came around rapidly. My mothers death, the time before that, every year around this time before and after her death. Sadness sadness sadness hurt hurt hurt.
I was not happy before she died. Not in my life, not in my marriage. Then she was gone. I thought that all these years that season came along, to include Thanksgiving, and that I was always so sad because of the loss of my parents.
I realized that was not just it. Looking back to each and every year, I was already unhappy in my life. The season came and went, and I was sad, because they were not in it. It is always hard, with my mom having passed on Christmas Eve. But I was never happy to begin with.
All of this was coming together from this way and that.
He called me just a little while ago, to see how I was doing, to see if I was feeling any better. I was feeling better yesterday as compared to the day before, but only ok today, and I think he could tell this morning as we lay there together in bed in the very early morning hours before he got up to get ready for work.
So this year is different. Its different because I started out happy. I began the season of loss and death happy in my life and not unhappy.
This is the first year since 1995 that I have been happy in my own life during this time. That is a long time to be unhappy. He has no idea. There is no way I could begin to tell him.
I sat across from him trying to find the words. They wouldn't come. There was no explaining to him. I moved from my couch to his and wrapped my arms around him. How could someone, one person have such a profound effect one anothers life? I have no idea. What I do know, is that it is possible.
By now, I should have know this. I knew what my husband could do to me, all those many years. If he could bring me to the other end of the happiness scale, then why could there not be someone to bring me to the happy end?
I am rambling, I know this. I normally always am. Tears of happiness feel so much better than the ones of sadness. Tears are tears, right? No.
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