In my fathers eyes.
Posted 11-30-2011 at 07:52 PM by Pikantari
Today has proven to be a most difficult day for me, as it normally is. I spent the day thinking of my father and of my life up until now. I had a wonderful childhood and could not have had better parents.
They never agreed, but separately, they were the best. I loved them both in their own way. But today is for my father. Had he lived, he would have been ninety years old. Cancer stole him from me when I was twenty-one. I was a new mother to a baby boy whom I loved more than life, more than I knew possible.
My father had the most beautiful baby blues I had ever seen, until my son came along. They shared the same eyes and now, even to this day, I look at my son, who is almost a man now, and I see my father.
In my fathers eyes, I could do no wrong. With that said, I made it my mission to do my best to never disappoint him.
I had my son out of wedlock, and I know that was disappointing, but not as disappointing as the man I had him with. It was not until five months after my fathers passing that we got married. Many years later, when our marriage came to an end, my family decided to tell me they could see how he treated me all along, that my father did not want me to be with him, and most certainly didn't want me to marry him.
I went down that road today. I took a stroll down memory lane and all the roads I probably should have turned right on, when I actually had turned left.
I imagined that had my father lived, either the man would not have had the guts to treat how he did, or if he did, I would have left much sooner. I think that if my father had lived, my life would be much different.
I journeyed into my writing from over four years ago to see where I have been, and where I have come. I had some very strong days back then. I don't know how I did it.
Yes I do. The Lord carried me. Just like in footprints, he carried me when I could not walk. He gave me the beautiful clouds and trees to see on my walks so that I could free my mind to the task ahead. It was a very daunting task. I was so afraid.
I had the Lord our God on my side, but he had the devil working for him, against us. On some days, i thought they may prevail.
One day I woke and I felt alive. I felt happy. I felt free. No matter what he had done, he could never hurt me again. I wouldn't let him.
I was wrong. He still finds ways, all these years later. He still finds ways to control me. To own me. He won't let me go. He won't release me.
I feel it coming to an end very soon. My life is changing, yet again and this is the last thing. He has to let me go for me to move on to the happiness I deserve.
On this day, the day of my fathers birth, I honor him and am going to be the strong woman I know I can be. I am going to be the strong woman he raised up. I will falter, we all do at times.
I know what I need to do. I have known for a long time. Just the fact of doing it. Making him set me free.
They never agreed, but separately, they were the best. I loved them both in their own way. But today is for my father. Had he lived, he would have been ninety years old. Cancer stole him from me when I was twenty-one. I was a new mother to a baby boy whom I loved more than life, more than I knew possible.
My father had the most beautiful baby blues I had ever seen, until my son came along. They shared the same eyes and now, even to this day, I look at my son, who is almost a man now, and I see my father.
In my fathers eyes, I could do no wrong. With that said, I made it my mission to do my best to never disappoint him.
I had my son out of wedlock, and I know that was disappointing, but not as disappointing as the man I had him with. It was not until five months after my fathers passing that we got married. Many years later, when our marriage came to an end, my family decided to tell me they could see how he treated me all along, that my father did not want me to be with him, and most certainly didn't want me to marry him.
I went down that road today. I took a stroll down memory lane and all the roads I probably should have turned right on, when I actually had turned left.
I imagined that had my father lived, either the man would not have had the guts to treat how he did, or if he did, I would have left much sooner. I think that if my father had lived, my life would be much different.
I journeyed into my writing from over four years ago to see where I have been, and where I have come. I had some very strong days back then. I don't know how I did it.
Yes I do. The Lord carried me. Just like in footprints, he carried me when I could not walk. He gave me the beautiful clouds and trees to see on my walks so that I could free my mind to the task ahead. It was a very daunting task. I was so afraid.
I had the Lord our God on my side, but he had the devil working for him, against us. On some days, i thought they may prevail.
One day I woke and I felt alive. I felt happy. I felt free. No matter what he had done, he could never hurt me again. I wouldn't let him.
I was wrong. He still finds ways, all these years later. He still finds ways to control me. To own me. He won't let me go. He won't release me.
I feel it coming to an end very soon. My life is changing, yet again and this is the last thing. He has to let me go for me to move on to the happiness I deserve.
On this day, the day of my fathers birth, I honor him and am going to be the strong woman I know I can be. I am going to be the strong woman he raised up. I will falter, we all do at times.
I know what I need to do. I have known for a long time. Just the fact of doing it. Making him set me free.
Total Comments 4
Comments
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Wow, your story is beautifully written. Believe it or not I can relate to some of the same things that you have written about. Maybe a lot of people can, who knows? I wish that I had the perfect words of encouragement for you, but all I know to say is to keep praying and talking to God. That is what helps me through every obstacle that I face. Currently, I have things going on that I am struggling with how to resolve them. I just keep praying for God to show me the way and help me. Sometimes my hope level is in the pits and I guess that means that I need to work on my faith. SO many things that you said I could feel, maybe by some miracle your post ended up in my inbox this morning to let me know that I'm not the only one trying to get through things. Two days ago my daughter said to me remember mom when you feel like your having to deal with these things alone and you only see one set of footprints, those are Gods footprints because he is carrying you through it all, you just have to have the faith. Needless to say the love that I have for my beautiful daughter is beyond words and I feel the same way about my son. You wrote about Gods footprints in your post and it was like a lightbulb coming on with God saying see I told you, I'm trying to remind you, don't forget I am right here with you and I have been all along. Anyway...you will be in my prayers and I can't wait to read about your success! God loves you. Take Care.Posted 12-01-2011 at 05:26 AM by HParr
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I'm glad to see this! I didn't know there was a "blog" tab on here. Thanks for pointing me in the direction. You know I will be "checking you" out nowPosted 12-01-2011 at 01:39 PM by Red On The Noodle
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Quote:Originally Posted by Red On The Noodle
I'm glad to see this! I didn't know there was a "blog" tab on here. Thanks for pointing me in the direction. You know I will be "checking you" out now
Hopefully I will see my muse soon and get caught up in some 'happier' writing!Posted 12-01-2011 at 05:57 PM by Pikantari
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What you say, which is also my say, your words recognizes the voice of my heartPosted 12-18-2011 at 08:41 PM by efashiongucci
