Disclaimer: All of the names in this blog have been changed to protect me.
Hello, My name is Caterina. Okay, it really isn't, but it's close to my real name. After more than 15 years as a drink server (better known as a cocktail waitress) in a casino, I've realized it's time to get a real job. The money was great as a drink server, but I just can't make myself do that degrading job anymore. After two and a half years working casino surveillance, I've decided IT work might be the career for me. I enjoy the work I do with computers and compared to the people around me I seem to have a knack for it. And an interest.
Originally this blog was simply going to be about my attempt to transition from a dead end job in casino surveillance to a career in IT within the next year. However, personal issues surrounding my family keep popping up lately. I said "good-bye" to my parents and two of my siblings 10 years ago. I haven't seen or heard much from my whole family in that decade. I left that life behind. Now, I find myself running into and getting phone calls from family members I haven't seen in a long time. I recently got a Facebook page. I've gone from this quite separated, compartmentalized life, to all the moments of my life touching each other on Facebook. I don't know what will become of it.
Will the next year be a success story or a train wreck? I'm rooting for a success story, but, it seems, train wrecks are easier to make. I hope this blog will hold me accountable and push me on to the life I'd rather live.
Wish me luck.
Score Card pages:
People in the Surveillance Room
Hello, My name is Caterina. Okay, it really isn't, but it's close to my real name. After more than 15 years as a drink server (better known as a cocktail waitress) in a casino, I've realized it's time to get a real job. The money was great as a drink server, but I just can't make myself do that degrading job anymore. After two and a half years working casino surveillance, I've decided IT work might be the career for me. I enjoy the work I do with computers and compared to the people around me I seem to have a knack for it. And an interest.
Originally this blog was simply going to be about my attempt to transition from a dead end job in casino surveillance to a career in IT within the next year. However, personal issues surrounding my family keep popping up lately. I said "good-bye" to my parents and two of my siblings 10 years ago. I haven't seen or heard much from my whole family in that decade. I left that life behind. Now, I find myself running into and getting phone calls from family members I haven't seen in a long time. I recently got a Facebook page. I've gone from this quite separated, compartmentalized life, to all the moments of my life touching each other on Facebook. I don't know what will become of it.
Will the next year be a success story or a train wreck? I'm rooting for a success story, but, it seems, train wrecks are easier to make. I hope this blog will hold me accountable and push me on to the life I'd rather live.
Wish me luck.
Score Card pages:
People in the Surveillance Room
A Child Learns Who They Are From The Reflection In Their Parents Eyes
Posted 08-22-2010 at 03:44 PM by Inconversant
I am the youngest of five, of those who grew up in our house anyway. When I was very little, all my brothers and sisters were off at school while I was home alone with Mom. I remember singing, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Mares Eat Oats and Does Eat Oats, and Que sera sera. My mom and I played together. We had a good time. She listened to my stories. She seemed to care about me.
After I went to school, around 1st or 2nd grade, I realized my mom didn’t care about me anymore. I would come home from school and tell my mother a story and she would reply, “so what?!” I don’t know if that is the way all her relationships with her children evolved, or if something happened around that time that made her shut down and withdraw. I began to realize there was an inverse relationship between how much attention I required and what a good girl I was being. If I came home from school and went straight to my room and didn’t come out until dinner, I was being good. If I was in a school play that obliged my parents to attend, I was being a nuisance. I learned that to get my parents approval, I needed to be quiet and invisible. Don’t fail because that will require them to pay attention. Don’t succeed because that will require them to pay attention. I noticed a handful of years ago I take shallow breaths. I suspect that is product of not wanting to take up more oxygen than I deserved as a child. I still think of myself as invisible. I’m often shocked when I feel someone has noticed something about me. Emotionally, I consider myself unnoteworthy. Intellectually, I know that’s not true.
After I went to school, around 1st or 2nd grade, I realized my mom didn’t care about me anymore. I would come home from school and tell my mother a story and she would reply, “so what?!” I don’t know if that is the way all her relationships with her children evolved, or if something happened around that time that made her shut down and withdraw. I began to realize there was an inverse relationship between how much attention I required and what a good girl I was being. If I came home from school and went straight to my room and didn’t come out until dinner, I was being good. If I was in a school play that obliged my parents to attend, I was being a nuisance. I learned that to get my parents approval, I needed to be quiet and invisible. Don’t fail because that will require them to pay attention. Don’t succeed because that will require them to pay attention. I noticed a handful of years ago I take shallow breaths. I suspect that is product of not wanting to take up more oxygen than I deserved as a child. I still think of myself as invisible. I’m often shocked when I feel someone has noticed something about me. Emotionally, I consider myself unnoteworthy. Intellectually, I know that’s not true.
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