'Round and 'Round I Go
Posted 08-07-2010 at 12:54 PM by EmmyNoether
So, I am thoroughly frustrated with my research. I tried to do one example - and it was going very very well, however, I got a bit nervous that I wasn't doing it correctly, so I went to work out an example where I knew the answer. This is always a good thing to do in mathematics. Unfortunately, I've been spending the last 5 or so days trying to get this to work and it hasn't been. I'm very frustrated by it all and am worried that this might indicate that all of my research to date is/was wrong. I'll admit that I do have a giant pit in my stomach about my work and I fear for my meeting with my adviser. Partly because I haven't gotten enough of what he had asked/expected of me, and partly because I'm absolutely terrified that he's going to say "let's start at the beginning."
As a result, I've been having nightmares every night... They are weird and completely not based in reality outside of my fears. Meaning, fear of losing loved ones, fear of clowns, fear of getting nowhere - all those themes are present, but the dreams are definitely bizarre and obviously lost in the subconscious dreamland. I even had a dream that my blog was about something completely different and I had let down everyone reading it by posting something that showed insecurities. I know all of these are induced by stress and fear and that is coming from the "you gotta finish, and finish now" feeling that I've been living with since my last meeting with the adviser.
So, every day I've tried to redo each calculation to verify I haven't made mistakes, try different ways of approach, and attempt different procedures to complete the calculations... and all to no avail. I feel like I'm trapped in one of my nightmares where I'm on a math merry-go-round and I cannot get off. If I do manage to get off I am at the opening of a maze of obstacles. In reality, next week alone I have to write an exam, give an exam, grade said exam, meet with my adviser, tutor, move offices, write a final, give the final and grade said final. If I finish grading by Saturday or Sunday, I MIGHT be able to take a breather before I go under the scalpel for my surgery that is indeed scheduled for the Tuesday after next. I feel like next week is one of those boot-camp obstacle courses that will require me to hurl my body over and through hurdles. I might get stronger, but I'm no more close to kicking some enemy ass.
As a result, I've been having nightmares every night... They are weird and completely not based in reality outside of my fears. Meaning, fear of losing loved ones, fear of clowns, fear of getting nowhere - all those themes are present, but the dreams are definitely bizarre and obviously lost in the subconscious dreamland. I even had a dream that my blog was about something completely different and I had let down everyone reading it by posting something that showed insecurities. I know all of these are induced by stress and fear and that is coming from the "you gotta finish, and finish now" feeling that I've been living with since my last meeting with the adviser.
So, every day I've tried to redo each calculation to verify I haven't made mistakes, try different ways of approach, and attempt different procedures to complete the calculations... and all to no avail. I feel like I'm trapped in one of my nightmares where I'm on a math merry-go-round and I cannot get off. If I do manage to get off I am at the opening of a maze of obstacles. In reality, next week alone I have to write an exam, give an exam, grade said exam, meet with my adviser, tutor, move offices, write a final, give the final and grade said final. If I finish grading by Saturday or Sunday, I MIGHT be able to take a breather before I go under the scalpel for my surgery that is indeed scheduled for the Tuesday after next. I feel like next week is one of those boot-camp obstacle courses that will require me to hurl my body over and through hurdles. I might get stronger, but I'm no more close to kicking some enemy ass.
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