Expectations verses Reality
Posted 08-03-2010 at 07:50 PM by EmmyNoether
Between teaching and working on what I hoped was a trivial exercise, I didn't make it very far anywhere today. Not only did nothing really work out in the research department, but I woke up last night from a nightmare with a strained neck. I know that no nightmare is preferred, but this one was a nice reprise from the nightmares about math and research not working out. Last night I dreamt of a mascarade/halloween party that went wrong with people killing each other and a set of supernatural clowns that killed you the instant you made eye-contact. Yes, I do have a fear of clowns, and this was not a fun dream to have. However, I at least woke up knowing full well that this was indeed a dream and not questioning whether it is part of reality that my life/research was failing. Despite being in pain all day, I concentrated through it at an incredible level.
All my concentration led me to being disgruntled when I had to put it aside to go teach. This, unfortunately, led me to be openly annoyed with my students who felt like taking a long weekend. I'll be the first to admit that I was snippy at them when some reminded me that they weren't in class the day before. I guess my frustration lies at the fact that after their pathetic performance on the first test, attendance has dropped way down and it is causing me to regret that I did not develop stronger policies at the beginning of the summer session. Truth is, I was under the disillusion that they would work hard since the last summer session I taught I had 32 students who were all present and accounted for the whole time.
I think the hardest thing I am dealing with is that I'm generally a nice person, and a complete pushover. I always have been. I really like to help people and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but when many of my students just presume that by not coming to class yesterday that they can turn their homework in late today and it will still be graded with full marks upsets me. It upsets me because it is completely true. I do accept it, and then I do grade it. I think, in part, it's the fact that I don't look any older than they so it is impossible for me to command the same treatment as the full professors in the department. If you think I don't try, that's also not the case. I used to show up in class every day in heels and a skirt and teach with the expectation of high standards of treatment for myself. This earned me the campus wide (and rate my professor) reputation as a completely horrible unforgiving ***** who was the worst teacher to ever grace higher-education. I wish that wasn't a paraphrase, but it is. So, here I am along with most people in this country between expectation and reality. My students expect one thing of me because I look a certain way, I am in reality a different way. On the other side, I expect something of them, but am faced of the reality that I will either give out a record number of C's or have to reduce my expectations.
All my concentration led me to being disgruntled when I had to put it aside to go teach. This, unfortunately, led me to be openly annoyed with my students who felt like taking a long weekend. I'll be the first to admit that I was snippy at them when some reminded me that they weren't in class the day before. I guess my frustration lies at the fact that after their pathetic performance on the first test, attendance has dropped way down and it is causing me to regret that I did not develop stronger policies at the beginning of the summer session. Truth is, I was under the disillusion that they would work hard since the last summer session I taught I had 32 students who were all present and accounted for the whole time.
I think the hardest thing I am dealing with is that I'm generally a nice person, and a complete pushover. I always have been. I really like to help people and give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but when many of my students just presume that by not coming to class yesterday that they can turn their homework in late today and it will still be graded with full marks upsets me. It upsets me because it is completely true. I do accept it, and then I do grade it. I think, in part, it's the fact that I don't look any older than they so it is impossible for me to command the same treatment as the full professors in the department. If you think I don't try, that's also not the case. I used to show up in class every day in heels and a skirt and teach with the expectation of high standards of treatment for myself. This earned me the campus wide (and rate my professor) reputation as a completely horrible unforgiving ***** who was the worst teacher to ever grace higher-education. I wish that wasn't a paraphrase, but it is. So, here I am along with most people in this country between expectation and reality. My students expect one thing of me because I look a certain way, I am in reality a different way. On the other side, I expect something of them, but am faced of the reality that I will either give out a record number of C's or have to reduce my expectations.
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