The Fear of Losing
Posted 07-21-2010 at 07:45 PM by EmmyNoether
Today I met with my adviser. He gave me a whole second between teaching and meeting with him, but he, at least, allowed me to take a load off before we began to speak. When the meeting actually started we went into all the things that I had worked on for the week and all that still needs to be figured out in the next couple of weeks. I'm scared, actually. He brought up the fact that if this last project doesn't actually have a meaning that is different from the other things that have been already done, then I don't know where I am at.
My boyfriend asked tonight: "why doesn't your adviser just give you a doable project?" In part, he has a point. However, in this area, it is too new to even know what you get is a doable project, or what question are there to answer. It's like you were at the beginning of inventing the idea of the circle and you cannot imagine that any of that information would extend to spheres of higher dimension. It's scary and exhilarating all at the same time. If we cannot figure this out, then I don't know if I have a dissertation. I don't know that I have anything worthy of being able to claim a PhD.
The task(s) I have ahead of me are very in-depth to say the least. I'm trying to do an insane calculation that will take more pages that any of the other calculations I have done before combined. Luckily for me, I am an admitted OCD person. Therefore, if there is one person on this planet that could actually do this calculation with minimal mistakes, it'd be me. So, here goes. In the next several days I have to write an exam, give it, do an insane calculation, and grade said exam, as well as think about the other things my adviser expects of me. I thought he understood how much the teaching took out of me, but apparently he doesn't. Either that, or I've somehow exceeded his expectations of what can be done in a week, therefore he has raised them for my "benefit."
My boyfriend asked tonight: "why doesn't your adviser just give you a doable project?" In part, he has a point. However, in this area, it is too new to even know what you get is a doable project, or what question are there to answer. It's like you were at the beginning of inventing the idea of the circle and you cannot imagine that any of that information would extend to spheres of higher dimension. It's scary and exhilarating all at the same time. If we cannot figure this out, then I don't know if I have a dissertation. I don't know that I have anything worthy of being able to claim a PhD.
The task(s) I have ahead of me are very in-depth to say the least. I'm trying to do an insane calculation that will take more pages that any of the other calculations I have done before combined. Luckily for me, I am an admitted OCD person. Therefore, if there is one person on this planet that could actually do this calculation with minimal mistakes, it'd be me. So, here goes. In the next several days I have to write an exam, give it, do an insane calculation, and grade said exam, as well as think about the other things my adviser expects of me. I thought he understood how much the teaching took out of me, but apparently he doesn't. Either that, or I've somehow exceeded his expectations of what can be done in a week, therefore he has raised them for my "benefit."
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