The Process of Self-Discovery
Posted 06-29-2010 at 08:23 AM by EmmyNoether
I haven't written because, well, I've been dealing with my own huge disappointment in myself the last couple of days. I debated writing this entry, but as I have mentioned, my goal is to be honest - no matter how much that hurts. Saturday I went to watch the USA/Ghana match at a bar with my boyfriend and a friend. Given it was Saturday and the match finished mid-afternoon, we decided to keep drinking and get a ride home. That's when the cluster-f**k began.
Two separate men decided that they would try to hit on me in front of my boyfriend, which rightfully upset him. One even bragged about his arsenal of guns to my boyfriend in an intimidation tactic. This is a problem that I face constantly. For some reason, the scum of the earth see me out and hit on me. I don't know if it's because I really am a nice person, and disgustingly polite, so I don't go around brushing people off which they might read as an idiotic sign that I could be interested. Or, it might be because I'm 26 looking like I'm 16 and they interpret that as being naive and stupid enough to fall for them. Anyway, understandably, my boyfriend wanted to leave and go home.
This is when my (to be completely honest) alcoholic friend burst into tears and turned the fact that we wanted to go home into some statement that we don't like her and we'd just leave her there alone. Truth is, she just didn't want to go home early. Worried about her, we missed 2 cabs until someone came to take care of her. From there the **** hit the fan. Everyone was upset. Plus to make matters infinitely worse, we had all been drinking which severely reduces your inhibitions and ability to rationally see the whole picture.
This is not how the night ended, but the way that I acted afterwards was completely horrific, inexcusable and so mortifyingly out of character that I'll just leave the rest of the night between the people involved. Sunday, I spent the day curled in a ball trying to find out if my relationship was really over. Yesterday, I spent relatively secure that we were working things out, but sick to my stomach each time I have a flash back of my behavior. The one thing I will admit is that if my actions of Saturday night were really and truly a one off, then I might feel better about myself. However, I've acted equally horrible while under the influence of alcohol and upset feelings.
Each and every time I acted badly in the past, I tried to rationalize it. I tried to excuse the behavior on forgetting to take my meds or being on a different medication or hypoglycaemia. Truth is, there are times (albeit incredibly infrequently) that I turn into a nasty drunk... and that is a problem. I mentioned in a previous entry that I have issues with drinking - this is my wake up call. If I have any kind of repeat behavior, I know I'm going to lose my boyfriend. He's the best thing that has happened to me since being in grad school and I can't stand to lose him.
So while I try to push my brain through details of proofs for my dissertation, I am struck with pangs of disgust for myself. I'm a good person who can turn nasty when I'm drunk and I don't know how those two coincide in the same being. It's a modern-day Jekyll and Hyde - and I would like to get at the heart of the matter as to why I can go to a dark place like that. I've dealt with stuff in my life, but that's no excuse. All I know is that I have to figure it out and change.
To any readers, I hope you recognize how hard this is for me write. I am trying to be honest about everything - no matter how much I shake in fear and embarrassment as I type. My hope/goal for anything is that if I admit it out there in the world, it can help me take my first steps to overcoming my issues, problems, and help me to be the best person I know that I can be.
Two separate men decided that they would try to hit on me in front of my boyfriend, which rightfully upset him. One even bragged about his arsenal of guns to my boyfriend in an intimidation tactic. This is a problem that I face constantly. For some reason, the scum of the earth see me out and hit on me. I don't know if it's because I really am a nice person, and disgustingly polite, so I don't go around brushing people off which they might read as an idiotic sign that I could be interested. Or, it might be because I'm 26 looking like I'm 16 and they interpret that as being naive and stupid enough to fall for them. Anyway, understandably, my boyfriend wanted to leave and go home.
This is when my (to be completely honest) alcoholic friend burst into tears and turned the fact that we wanted to go home into some statement that we don't like her and we'd just leave her there alone. Truth is, she just didn't want to go home early. Worried about her, we missed 2 cabs until someone came to take care of her. From there the **** hit the fan. Everyone was upset. Plus to make matters infinitely worse, we had all been drinking which severely reduces your inhibitions and ability to rationally see the whole picture.
This is not how the night ended, but the way that I acted afterwards was completely horrific, inexcusable and so mortifyingly out of character that I'll just leave the rest of the night between the people involved. Sunday, I spent the day curled in a ball trying to find out if my relationship was really over. Yesterday, I spent relatively secure that we were working things out, but sick to my stomach each time I have a flash back of my behavior. The one thing I will admit is that if my actions of Saturday night were really and truly a one off, then I might feel better about myself. However, I've acted equally horrible while under the influence of alcohol and upset feelings.
Each and every time I acted badly in the past, I tried to rationalize it. I tried to excuse the behavior on forgetting to take my meds or being on a different medication or hypoglycaemia. Truth is, there are times (albeit incredibly infrequently) that I turn into a nasty drunk... and that is a problem. I mentioned in a previous entry that I have issues with drinking - this is my wake up call. If I have any kind of repeat behavior, I know I'm going to lose my boyfriend. He's the best thing that has happened to me since being in grad school and I can't stand to lose him.
So while I try to push my brain through details of proofs for my dissertation, I am struck with pangs of disgust for myself. I'm a good person who can turn nasty when I'm drunk and I don't know how those two coincide in the same being. It's a modern-day Jekyll and Hyde - and I would like to get at the heart of the matter as to why I can go to a dark place like that. I've dealt with stuff in my life, but that's no excuse. All I know is that I have to figure it out and change.
To any readers, I hope you recognize how hard this is for me write. I am trying to be honest about everything - no matter how much I shake in fear and embarrassment as I type. My hope/goal for anything is that if I admit it out there in the world, it can help me take my first steps to overcoming my issues, problems, and help me to be the best person I know that I can be.
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