Wondering where I am
Posted 06-18-2010 at 08:02 PM by EmmyNoether
Today, I worked, and sadly without much accomplishment. I've mentioned time and time again that math research is like a perverted dance of 2 steps forward and 1.5 steps back. I spend most of the day doing these massive calculations that take up multiple notebook pages in my tiny computer-type. (My adviser, after looking at my hand written notes, has suggested that I should hand-write my dissertation, because it would probably be neater.... ) So, I spent the most of today trying calculations that are supposed to be equalities, and like everyone who has ever taken algebra 2, if the right hand side of the equation doesn't match the left hand side of the equations, you are, in short.... screwed. That's what I was today.
In addition, I cannot help but feel completely and entirely irresponsible to myself and, well, everything I take part in. I feel like I'm just not capable of spreading myself to be there for myself on a personal level, my work, my dog - for her survival, and maintain the house in a way that fruit-flies don't inhabit every corner of my existence. Beyond all of that, I feel too young to have to do so. Ever feel like you are still a teenager living on their own? I do all the time. Maybe because I look 17, but really I wonder if you ever feel like you grow up. I'm 26, but despite the fact that I do pay my bills and everything, I don't feel as if I am anywhere closer to being an adult. Yet, in my own psyche, I believe that magically within the next year, I'll have it all figured out.
That is something truly weird about being a grad student. I've been in school since I was 6 weeks old. Most of my colleagues started school when they were 5.... so, on a grand scheme of things, we've been in school 82% of our lives (me, 98%). Therefore, when you meet the people who are still in grad school... have they grown up? No, not really. Mom and Dad are still paying their bills, but it isn't their mom and dad by law, but the one they've chosen to adopt - their university and adviser. So, we're all trapped in some kind of school-mind-frame-work that to most people seems reminiscent of infantile middle or high-school behaviors. I guess that's what happens when you stretch your mind beyond the reality of this world.... you either go completely insane or you regress, to.... happier years?
In addition, I cannot help but feel completely and entirely irresponsible to myself and, well, everything I take part in. I feel like I'm just not capable of spreading myself to be there for myself on a personal level, my work, my dog - for her survival, and maintain the house in a way that fruit-flies don't inhabit every corner of my existence. Beyond all of that, I feel too young to have to do so. Ever feel like you are still a teenager living on their own? I do all the time. Maybe because I look 17, but really I wonder if you ever feel like you grow up. I'm 26, but despite the fact that I do pay my bills and everything, I don't feel as if I am anywhere closer to being an adult. Yet, in my own psyche, I believe that magically within the next year, I'll have it all figured out.
That is something truly weird about being a grad student. I've been in school since I was 6 weeks old. Most of my colleagues started school when they were 5.... so, on a grand scheme of things, we've been in school 82% of our lives (me, 98%). Therefore, when you meet the people who are still in grad school... have they grown up? No, not really. Mom and Dad are still paying their bills, but it isn't their mom and dad by law, but the one they've chosen to adopt - their university and adviser. So, we're all trapped in some kind of school-mind-frame-work that to most people seems reminiscent of infantile middle or high-school behaviors. I guess that's what happens when you stretch your mind beyond the reality of this world.... you either go completely insane or you regress, to.... happier years?
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