My Mother
Posted 06-01-2010 at 09:53 PM by EmmyNoether
One of the things that is uniquely difficult for me is my relationship as a grad student with my parents. Unlike most of my peers, it isn't a situation where my parents do not get me because they have no conception of life in graduate school. Quite the opposite, really. My parents BOTH got their PhD's in the hard sciences. Growing up it was bad, because I was expected to score perfectly on any test or quiz (no matter what subject) or else I wasn't living up to my potential. It didn't matter that neither of my parents knew how to spell - by virtue of the fact that they were both Drs, I was expected to be... well.... perfect. Needless to say, in the category of being above-average intelligent, I'm still mediocre in the spectrum of my peers. Not outstanding, but not awful - and I'm truly okay with that. As long as I do well in my niche, I'm happy.
Today I was reminded about my mother's fear that I will magically discard my personality and quit everything that I have built towards in the last 26 years of life. She's worried that I will either choose to leave without my degree or I am not working hard enough and will be kicked out. Before you judge and think that she's not supportive - that is completely wrong. She is supportive, to a fault. However, times have changed since she was in graduate school and she acts and thinks according to her memories. Times have changed a lot in 33 years, but not as much as one might think. I (and other female colleagues) still have to deal with misogynist comments, however, they are way better than "I will hang that woman's p*$$y from the top of the Blank Building before I let her get her PhD." And no - I'm not making that one up, it is a direct quote from my mother's graduate experience.
As much as I accept that she has fears that I am possibly going to walk away (voluntarily or not) from all of what I've dreamed of, it adds so much more stress on me that can feel debilitating in a way. Sometimes I work all day, but unlike experiments where you can spend the whole day running them and something gets accomplished, I can beat my brain around my cranium searching all over for the right steps that lead to a significant result in my dissertation and still not get anywhere. So, sometimes I feel like I didn't do and am not good enough. It makes me feel like her fears are just going to come true - my lack of success today will be my ultimate demise. But, I know that times are indeed different and I will persevere through all the rough times as well as all the stress her comments adds on me. That's part of the package in building up a defense... even one against your closest loved ones.
Today I was reminded about my mother's fear that I will magically discard my personality and quit everything that I have built towards in the last 26 years of life. She's worried that I will either choose to leave without my degree or I am not working hard enough and will be kicked out. Before you judge and think that she's not supportive - that is completely wrong. She is supportive, to a fault. However, times have changed since she was in graduate school and she acts and thinks according to her memories. Times have changed a lot in 33 years, but not as much as one might think. I (and other female colleagues) still have to deal with misogynist comments, however, they are way better than "I will hang that woman's p*$$y from the top of the Blank Building before I let her get her PhD." And no - I'm not making that one up, it is a direct quote from my mother's graduate experience.
As much as I accept that she has fears that I am possibly going to walk away (voluntarily or not) from all of what I've dreamed of, it adds so much more stress on me that can feel debilitating in a way. Sometimes I work all day, but unlike experiments where you can spend the whole day running them and something gets accomplished, I can beat my brain around my cranium searching all over for the right steps that lead to a significant result in my dissertation and still not get anywhere. So, sometimes I feel like I didn't do and am not good enough. It makes me feel like her fears are just going to come true - my lack of success today will be my ultimate demise. But, I know that times are indeed different and I will persevere through all the rough times as well as all the stress her comments adds on me. That's part of the package in building up a defense... even one against your closest loved ones.
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