So I'm Going In For My Penectomy Today!

Yep! That's right, folks! I'm headed into surgery today for my penectomy. Ever since I was a small child I've found myself getting cramps in my hands when writing with pens and pencils. I heard about a procedure that strengthens the tendons and muscles in one's hands and allows them to write without that miserable pain and discomfort I so often experience.

The doctor was a real swell guy and I couldn't thank him enough for his cool, calm demeanor. You see, when I went into his office, I was so hot and bothered about getting this problem fixed, I completely forgot the name of the surgery. I kept telling him I could have sworn the name of it began with "pen" something and that all I wanted was the "pen" surgery. He scrolled through his list and when he came across penectomy I thought "That's gotta be it!" He double-checked and made sure that I was absolutely certain I wanted that procedure done. How could he ask such a stupid question? If you had hand cramps while writing your entire life wouldn't you want a penectomy done to you? I basically shot him a sly, disconcerting glance and said "Doc, I need a penectomy sooner rather than later so if you don't mind, just go ahead and get it done. In fact, if you want, just go ahead right now, get out that scalpel of yours and get to work if you so desire."

I probably overstepped my boundaries a little bit because he seemed taken aback by my obviously overzealous manner. His eyes were a little wide and he really seemed somewhat dismayed at my eagerness to get those hand cramps fixed. He told me that he'd schedule me for surgery as soon as possible and quietly walked out the door shaking his head. I can't believe how hard I was on him and all he was trying to do was help. You know something? As soon as I get done with my penectomy, I'm going to write him a "Thank You" card for putting up with me. After all, I won't be suffering from hand cramps any more; I'll make sure he knows how I really feel about his absolutely, positively professional and ethical medical opinion.

You know, it's funny because I've never had surgery before but when I tell people I'm going in for a pendectomy their eyes get really big and some of them even think I'm joking. I don't see what the big deal is. The procedure shouldn't be much different than any tendon strengthening procedure. They'll probably just take a piece of tendon from my leg or hamstring and slap it in my arm. In fact, I might even be brave enough to tell them I want to be awake for the full pendectomy! Seriously, how bad could a pendectomy be?

Then, of course, I have the surgeon who's going to perform the operation. His office called asking whether I wanted the procedure done partially or in full. I told them that when I do things I want them done right so only going part-way through isn't going to cut it for me. Hell no! I want the full shebang done on me. I told them to make sure they did it all the way and even told them to do a little extra if they felt it necessary. Who gets a partial pendectomy anyway? If you're going to do it, do it right. That's what I always say.

Unfortunately, my health insurance provider refuses to cover the procedure because they have deemed it "unnecessary." I tried to explain to them how difficult it is for me to write even the simplest of things by longhand and that a penectomy is the precise procedure to fix all of that. That's usually when they tell me that I'm crazy and they're still not going to cover the expenses.

No matter, I'm willing to cough up big bucks for it because I need it so badly. I've cleaned out my savings account, sold all my stocks and bonds, and even swiped most of the money from my retirement plan to pay for it. All in all, it's not going to be cheap but I can see why. It's not every day that you have the opportunity to fix a problem you've dealt with all your life so paying two-hundred grand for a procedure such as this is going to be worth it in the long run.

I also told my wife how great things are going to be after my pendectomy. Our intimate lifestyle has greatly diminished because I just can't do the things I used to. Before, I would give her a massage for an hour, get her all spooled up and then I'd use my hands all over her body for a long time. I just can't seem to do that any more because of my hand cramps so, again, this is just another reason to look forward to my penectomy. Great sex life here I come!

Well everyone, it's 5:00 A.M. and I have to be at the surgeons in an hour! I'm so excited about this I almost wish they'd record it so I can look back and say "This was the operation that changed my life forever!"