Explains why you end up with unavailable partners, and gives advice on breaking the pattern.
The U factor in Unavailable Partner Fatigue
Posted 09-24-2008 at 07:14 PM by Doctor Jeanette
[FONT=Times New Roman]By Dr. Jeanette Raymond.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]I have shown how [B]F[/B]ear of being unlovable leads to the [B]A[/B]nticipation of the past repeating itself. Waiting for the axe to fall makes [B]T[/B]rusting a torturous idea.. Staying with insatiable [B]I[/B]dealism means you can bypass that torture, live in a fantasy world and allow yourself to have the fairy tale romance in a safe zone. But that only lasts for a while. When fantasy and reality collide and the boundaries get blurred, those gremlins of [B]G[/B]uilt come to ruin the relationship. Unwittingly you drive your partner into believing you aren’t worth loving because your idealism demanded punishment for breaking your own rigid rules of conduct.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]So now we come to the next factor. [B]The U Factor - Unbearable Uncertainty[/B]. :eek:[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Can’t Believe My Luck![/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Bianca squealed with delight after saying goodnight to her date. To think she had been living downstairs from this adorable hunk for a year and not had any idea of what was available on her doorstep. They met when he heard her frantic calls searching for her escaped cat. Later she found out he was separated, about to get divorced and open to meet new women.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Tenth Heaven Rocks[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]If their last date was seventh heaven, by the third date Bianca was in tenth heaven. He was generous, open about his past and very interested in her. It was electrifying just sitting next to him at a restaurant, feeling his sexy eyes linger on her. Bianca kept her arms around him as they said goodnight. She couldn’t bear for that moment to end, to feel wrenched from this fantastic feeling of satisfaction. The next thing she knew they were in bed and enjoying every minute of it. Her fantasies about romance, love and sex became real. :D[/FONT]
[B][FONT=Times New Roman]What Will He Think Of Me?[/FONT][/B]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Doug didn’t call the next day. With each hour that passed Bianca became more uncertain about herself and their fragile relationship. There must be something wrong if he didn’t call and tell her how much he enjoyed last night and couldn’t wait to do it again. The uncertainty became so unbearable that she had to invent explanations for his silence. :confused:[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He thinks I am too easy. He won’t want to date me again.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He doesn’t respect me [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He probably thinks there is something wrong with me because I don’t have a boyfriend[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He was put off by my sexuality[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He doesn’t want to get involved, especially as he is still not free of his marriage[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He only took me out because he is lonely[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He may want to go back to his wife now that he’s sampled something else[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]If I Don’t Get Reassurance Instantly, It Must Be Over[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]She had broken the golden rule of dating and jumped into bed too fast. The gremlins of guilt were putting on an outstanding performance as she whipped herself with another set of torturous barbs.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]She convinced herself that it was over. All the nice things Doug had told her, the compliments he had paid, the compassion with which he listened and the understanding he showed were all forgotten. The acid test was that phone call of reassurance. It had to come within the first 3-6 hours after they parted or else she had blown it.[/FONT]
[B][FONT=Times New Roman]Relief from Uncertainty Means Closing Doors to Other Possibilities[/FONT][/B]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Protection against[URL="http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/"] disappointment [/URL]was the name of the game. She was too scared to call Doug, and had already decided that he didn’t want her. When he knocked on her door that evening she anticipated a rejection and sealed her scared heart. She pretended she was tired, had a headache and needed to get an early night. She couldn’t tolerate the uncertainty that came with waiting for his perspective. She couldn’t imagine that he was still interested and wanted to continue the relationship. [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Doug was mystified with Bianca’s change of attitude. He called less often and gradually drifted out of her life. A week later she saw him talk to another female neighbor and decided he had found someone else. It was all she needed to activate that self-fulfilling prophecy. She felt vindicated and paid the price by letting her imagination force Doug to become unavailable to her.[/FONT]
[B][FONT=Times New Roman]Bianca’s choices[/FONT][/B]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Recalling the good stuff in a relationship can help when she is panicked with uncertainty. She can take the risk of calling to make sure Doug is okay and that the silence reflects operating on different time schedules. Or she can continue to fear the worst and make it happen, just because she can’t bear to wait for other options to make themselves known, most of which could be to her advantage.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]I have shown how [B]F[/B]ear of being unlovable leads to the [B]A[/B]nticipation of the past repeating itself. Waiting for the axe to fall makes [B]T[/B]rusting a torturous idea.. Staying with insatiable [B]I[/B]dealism means you can bypass that torture, live in a fantasy world and allow yourself to have the fairy tale romance in a safe zone. But that only lasts for a while. When fantasy and reality collide and the boundaries get blurred, those gremlins of [B]G[/B]uilt come to ruin the relationship. Unwittingly you drive your partner into believing you aren’t worth loving because your idealism demanded punishment for breaking your own rigid rules of conduct.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]So now we come to the next factor. [B]The U Factor - Unbearable Uncertainty[/B]. :eek:[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Can’t Believe My Luck![/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Bianca squealed with delight after saying goodnight to her date. To think she had been living downstairs from this adorable hunk for a year and not had any idea of what was available on her doorstep. They met when he heard her frantic calls searching for her escaped cat. Later she found out he was separated, about to get divorced and open to meet new women.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Tenth Heaven Rocks[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]If their last date was seventh heaven, by the third date Bianca was in tenth heaven. He was generous, open about his past and very interested in her. It was electrifying just sitting next to him at a restaurant, feeling his sexy eyes linger on her. Bianca kept her arms around him as they said goodnight. She couldn’t bear for that moment to end, to feel wrenched from this fantastic feeling of satisfaction. The next thing she knew they were in bed and enjoying every minute of it. Her fantasies about romance, love and sex became real. :D[/FONT]
[B][FONT=Times New Roman]What Will He Think Of Me?[/FONT][/B]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Doug didn’t call the next day. With each hour that passed Bianca became more uncertain about herself and their fragile relationship. There must be something wrong if he didn’t call and tell her how much he enjoyed last night and couldn’t wait to do it again. The uncertainty became so unbearable that she had to invent explanations for his silence. :confused:[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He thinks I am too easy. He won’t want to date me again.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He doesn’t respect me [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He probably thinks there is something wrong with me because I don’t have a boyfriend[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He was put off by my sexuality[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He doesn’t want to get involved, especially as he is still not free of his marriage[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He only took me out because he is lonely[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]He may want to go back to his wife now that he’s sampled something else[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]If I Don’t Get Reassurance Instantly, It Must Be Over[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]She had broken the golden rule of dating and jumped into bed too fast. The gremlins of guilt were putting on an outstanding performance as she whipped herself with another set of torturous barbs.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]She convinced herself that it was over. All the nice things Doug had told her, the compliments he had paid, the compassion with which he listened and the understanding he showed were all forgotten. The acid test was that phone call of reassurance. It had to come within the first 3-6 hours after they parted or else she had blown it.[/FONT]
[B][FONT=Times New Roman]Relief from Uncertainty Means Closing Doors to Other Possibilities[/FONT][/B]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Protection against[URL="http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/"] disappointment [/URL]was the name of the game. She was too scared to call Doug, and had already decided that he didn’t want her. When he knocked on her door that evening she anticipated a rejection and sealed her scared heart. She pretended she was tired, had a headache and needed to get an early night. She couldn’t tolerate the uncertainty that came with waiting for his perspective. She couldn’t imagine that he was still interested and wanted to continue the relationship. [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Doug was mystified with Bianca’s change of attitude. He called less often and gradually drifted out of her life. A week later she saw him talk to another female neighbor and decided he had found someone else. It was all she needed to activate that self-fulfilling prophecy. She felt vindicated and paid the price by letting her imagination force Doug to become unavailable to her.[/FONT]
[B][FONT=Times New Roman]Bianca’s choices[/FONT][/B]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Recalling the good stuff in a relationship can help when she is panicked with uncertainty. She can take the risk of calling to make sure Doug is okay and that the silence reflects operating on different time schedules. Or she can continue to fear the worst and make it happen, just because she can’t bear to wait for other options to make themselves known, most of which could be to her advantage.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.[/FONT]
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