****, I don't know how many times I am going to start this, just to erase everything an start over a few paragraphs in. I have been trying to organize my thoughts alon with my damn emotions for at least a month. The last week or so has put so much more on my mind and heart, that now my brain is like two tornados crashing into each other, and I can't form full and complete thoughts out of it all for myself, much less try to communicate them to you. I am emotionally beyond exhausted, my stomach...

I can't stop being the same damn person, playing the same damn role, becoming the same wounded and baffled idiot that shows up for the same gutting by those I love the most. And I do it in every type of relationship. Regardless of the toll it takes on my mind, body, and spirit. Despite how many times I have told myself and the friend or family member, that I am setting healthy boundaries from this moment forward. I will love myself the way I should be loved, even if nobody else does. I won't...

yep It's a strange feeling when you all of a sudden have an epiphany. It's not the first time, not even the 2nd or 3rd, that everything just floods my head and I remember everything all at once. Then everything is so crystal clear, that it's embarrassing. I mean, i'm embarrassed for myself. And then for some reason, I block it all back out, lie to myself, choose to pretend what I know, isn't really how it is. But it is. Even with all your "can't remembers," denials, drunk or high,...

It was the first car JC drove. It was the car that Jodi and I brought Autumn home from the hospital in. We took Jacobey to his first day of school in it. Jodi and Nick got their license in it. So did Matthew. And now, like most everything from the best years of my life, it's gone. The Nitro is gone. I have referred to the Nitro as a scrapbook of raising a family. From babies to adults. From brand new on the lot, to dented, ripped, stained, scratched, cracked, stinky, and filled with so many...

It's the 29th of December. Louie has been back for exactly thirteen days. Most days have been great. Yes I have a wall that keeps getting thicker and higher. Builds much quicker than it ever comes down, because it seems just as I'm about to take down a brick, or even just as one comes down, three get added BAM BAM BAM in rapid succession. I don't know what else I can do. I am with him almost 24/7, and 99 percent of the time I am not with him, I am at the apt sleeping and he is off doing errands,...