I need to blog so badly, for my own sanity, however, it is so daunting. There is so much that I am scared about, upset about, mad and hurt about, worried about, and then the list of tasks I need to do seems to keep growing with me not accomplishing a single one completely, and I feel like the sun comes up every day for the sole purpose of watching what kinda ****ed up news I'm going to get today, or what new kick in the gut life is going to throw at me. It's brutal, and I hate even talking to...

I just hate what we are doing to ourselves here. The smell coming from you right now as you sleep with God knows how much alcohol running through your veins, is almost overpowering to me. It reminds me so much of my Papa, and the way he smelled so often. He was also Jekyll and Hyde. Why can't I fix this for you, for us? Why can't you see what it is costing you. And why didn't you give me the chance to decide if I wanted to even have an alcoholic in my life. Another one, I should say. I already...

So ya, I am feeling like a douche. I know that I want to do things, and more often than not I end up not doing what I needed or wanted. Mostly it is all my fault. I can't control others, I know this. I can't make them happy, that's obvious as well. Here is the thing tho, I can't seem to stop trying, denying myself the pleasure that I want for myself, and would make me a happier person, which in turn would make me more enjoyable to be around. The problem is that I have learned from the past...

There is just no way that I can even come close to putting down all the thoughts, fears, pain, failures, and moments that occur in just a singel 24 hours. I suppose that is why I skip so many days, weeks, and months blogging. It is just so overwhelming, and I can't seem to find a place to start. Mostly, I just feel like like nobody can see me, the real me. Or maybe that nobody cares to. I am forever talking to the back of a phone, or to a back of an actual person as they walk away. Even if...

I mean, wth for? I wish I was better at blogging. I can't remember everything, or anything really. I am just not sure what I'm fighting for anymore. It was a better life, GONE
It was a family, GONE
It was my marriage, GONE
It was and always has been Jacobey, but he doesn't even want me picking him up anymore. Wants Matthew. He wants to be at his Dad and Brittany's all the time, and just say ILU to me once in awhile. Doesn't want to be seen with me at school or around...