And just like that, he is gone. No warning, aside from his past behavior and comments, but that is his norm. In three and a half years, he was gone at least a third of it Back and forth between her and I. This was the longest stretch by far he stayed in one place, which I'm sure was due to the distance. It was also, I felt, the most positive time we spent together, with a few blow ups, but much more good than bad this time. I felt we had made some progress, and it's the idleness that started...

This entry won't make sense in some places, and in others, it will seem incomplete and in others still, it will be all over the place. Even more than normal when I write and am on the verge. However, the reason the 3 hour effort that I put into this ****ing thing, doesn't reflect it, neither in length or organized thoughts, is because wrote at least 300x's this amount, and with some clumsy move of my pinky finger, the majority of this entry was erased. GRRRR Im so damn annoyed. Idk what button...

Looking forward, I realized something. I am NOT looking forward to it. JC will be 18 in less than two years. I don't know what I will get out of bed for after that. I don't have any idea where he will go in life from that point. I just hope it isn't far wherever he goes, and whatever he does. Really I just want him to pursue true happiness. Whatever that means for him, I just want to know how he is doing. Be there to listen or give advice if needed, cheer him on, and not ever wonder where...

As I try for the thousandth time to just let you go and accept I can't make you love and want me the way you said you did, and the way I do you, I am stuck laying in bed all night with memory after memory of moments we spent together. I have a future to be thinking of, a missing niece/daughter that also means I can't see her kids, a son who is unhappy, a sister stuck on a track over 3oo miles away, and that is what I should be losing sleep over if anything. And I do, but more than any other thing,...

I won't quit. But I want to stop caring so damn much. About people. About being alone. About the reasons why. About him, and what he got out of getting me to believe and trust again, than fall in love with him and have hope again, just to leave. Than leave again, but this time to let me hang on so very ****ing long with no intention of coming back, knowing how much I was going thru and how hard it was. It is. Not even one attempt to visit, and barely any effort to call. Just enough to keep...