its kinda like watching a movie of yourself falling into black hole, but in slow motion. Powerless to stop it, fully and painfully aware of every single terrifying gut wrenching footy you fall, screaming for someone to just grab you and pull you to safety.. Just keeps getting darker as everyone gets further and further, fewer and fewer. At the same time, oddly, the noise is getting louder and louder. Torterousy louder. Wonder if it feels the same for everyone.......


...

Another day closer to doomsday when the money isn't replaced to Mom's account. I couldn't even do a fax right! I had the right number and tried 8 times and called igt HR and was then told I should just deliver it, because they don't have any idea why the fax isn't working. Ugh, I'm back to the whole state of mind that it would be easier and better for JC to just stay with his Dad and the family in the new house. I would rather slit my throat than not have him with me every day all the time,...

The story of me. Just don't know what happened to the dreams and the love and light inside. somehow, all of a sudden, I ceased to be. No longer another's love, a mother that was the light of her son's world, a sister that wasn't a burden, a friend that mattered, a Christian that was growing every day in Christ's love, a person that some could look up to and be proud of, a human worth the struggle through tough times, an Aunt that was someone to count on, one with a future and plan and the heartbeat...

After a week in Oregon, I was disheartened to find that when we got back home, the world hadn't righted itself. While in Oregon, I was called by Mountainview and hammered with questions of why Mom's guardianship wasn't done, and when they were going to get paid. I explained that I was trying to get the loose ends of the divorce finished, been in hospital, and doing the best I could. Now they want to apply for guardianship, and I was left even more confused by the convo. After telling Rachel...

I say this over and over, yet I even fail at throwing the white flag in and giving up. It's seems to be getting harder and harder tho. Oregon trip was supposed to save my sanity, let me take a breath and forget for a minute, give me some time away from reality with Jacobey, and make a memory with him and Matthew with Craig and family for the 2016 summer. Something that I can smile at when I look back on this summer and year, instead of just the day to day divorce hell and all the bits and pieces...