****, I don't know how many times I am going to start this, just to erase everything an start over a few paragraphs in. I have been trying to organize my thoughts alon with my damn emotions for at least a month. The last week or so has put so much more on my mind and heart, that now my brain is like two tornados crashing into each other, and I can't form full and complete thoughts out of it all for myself, much less try to communicate them to you. I am emotionally beyond exhausted, my stomach...

I can't stop being the same damn person, playing the same damn role, becoming the same wounded and baffled idiot that shows up for the same gutting by those I love the most. And I do it in every type of relationship. Regardless of the toll it takes on my mind, body, and spirit. Despite how many times I have told myself and the friend or family member, that I am setting healthy boundaries from this moment forward. I will love myself the way I should be loved, even if nobody else does. I won't...

yep It's a strange feeling when you all of a sudden have an epiphany. It's not the first time, not even the 2nd or 3rd, that everything just floods my head and I remember everything all at once. Then everything is so crystal clear, that it's embarrassing. I mean, i'm embarrassed for myself. And then for some reason, I block it all back out, lie to myself, choose to pretend what I know, isn't really how it is. But it is. Even with all your "can't remembers," denials, drunk or high,...