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I raised my daughter on my own until she was 12 years old. Her father walked out on us of his own choice. I begged him to stay to make a family, when I saw that wasn't going to work I begged him to still see his child, I wouldn't be there, it could be somewhere else. He had already signed over his parental rights, something he WANTED because he didn't want to be financially responsible and in fact he never for one day has been.
WELL I guess its been about a month ago, I found out he was on Facebook and asked my daughter if she wanted to send him a note. She did and he was all about getting to know his daughter. Tried to make it sound like it wasn't all his fault of course but I was prepared for that one.
I even went as far as to let my daughter go to Texas to visit him, he also took her to visit some of my family while there since they are in Texas as well.
What my problem is now is, he says he wants to keep her 6 months out of the year and me 6 months out of the year. I have to say I was astounded at the arrogance of it but I also was astounded because my daughter has already had problems in school, she is starting middle school this year, I can't see shifting a child back and forth like that is good for the child. Nevermind I think he needs to prove himself a little more before I make anymore consessions. For example, he wants to see her but pay no child support even though he has a great job and could easily afford it.
How do you guys work out visitation, when one parent lives in another state? In my case, its totally up to me how this goes, the legal parent child relationship between them is no more. No judge is going to TELL us what the arrangement is going to be.
I am willing to let him have her for one holiday, Christmas or Thanksgiving. He and his family are welcome to come here if they want to see her for both holidays. I am willing for her to spend her spring break there and part of the summer. Considering the history here, I think I am being extremely generous.
Why do you ask? My daughter needs a Father figure in her life. In the short time she has been there, she has become very attached to him as I knew she would.
The answer might be obvious to you but you haven't been here to see the pain my daughter has gone through in NOT having her Father which is the ONE thing I was not able to give her.
If I have bent over to far to accomodate, its been for her sake.
Lindsey, I applaud you for making the concessions that you have (and will continue to do) for the sake of your daughter. I can't imagine how this has torn you up, but the fact that you are willing to even discuss this shows how much you care about your daughter. So, kudos to you.
It's definitely reasonable that you cannot split custody like he's proposing. Even in a case where a parent has not given up their rights, I couldn't see that any judge in his or her right mind would "award" a 50/50 split of custody under these circumstances. From what you have said, it seems as if she needs the stability of being in the same school and having the same surroundings during the school year.
Considering the circumstances, as you've described them, it seems reasonable to me to allow her to spend, say, the month of August with him, as well as a holiday break or two during the year. A girl needs to know her dad, but (more importantly) she also needs to know that she has stability with the person who has given so much in her life so far.
Once her dad proves himself to not be a flake to her, and to you, then you can decide to change things, if practicable.
As of right now, though, with this relationship being so new, I think you're handling it well. Granted, this is coming from someone who doesn't have kids, but is someone who knows the value of having people in her life that she can truly count on.
Best of luck to you Lindsey. FWIW, I applaud you for the stance that you've taken thus far.
You have full legal custody. If you and your daughter want to work out some sort of visitation, try small steps first. School vacations are a perfect opportunity for that. She can spend her winter break with him and see how it goes for a week or two, then go again during spring break, and work your way up to summers. Yanking her from school to school, state to state for half the year is ludicrous and an option I would never consider. You are not responsible for his poor decisions. He didn't want to be a part of her life all these years (blaming it on you is no excuse) and now suddenly he's seen the light and he wants to pick up where he left off. Allow your daughter to have some say in how this all plays out, but don't let her make all the decisions. Guide her through it impartially as you can, and support her decision either way. I'm sure this is a very big deal for her, so keep your finger on the pulse and observe how she's doing with this newfound attention from her father.
Oh my god. He signed away his parental rights, you send her out of state to him anyway. No easy answer, but honestly, I'd talk to a lawyer to see what you are letting yourself in for if he gets a wild hair up his butt and decides to keep daughter, or takes her away and doesn't tell you. Remember, he has permission from her ONLY parent to take her... you may be setting yourself up for a legal nightmare.
You also need to talk to some kind of therapist about how all this nonsense is going to affect your daughter.
I'm telling you, don't allow her to go out of state with him... make him visit in YOUR home. Too many warning bells are going off in my head.
Oh my god. He signed away his parental rights, you send her out of state to him anyway. No easy answer, but honestly, I'd talk to a lawyer to see what you are letting yourself in for if he gets a wild hair up his butt and decides to keep daughter, or takes her away and doesn't tell you. Remember, he has permission from her ONLY parent to take her... you may be setting yourself up for a legal nightmare.
You also need to talk to some kind of therapist about how all this nonsense is going to affect your daughter.
I'm telling you, don't allow her to go out of state with him... make him visit in YOUR home. Too many warning bells are going off in my head.
We both have a therapist and have discussed this with them. I am also in on the last 10 minutes with my daughters therapist so we can have sort of a family situation.
His legal relationship with my daughter has been severed by HIM willingly. I sent copies of that paperwork along with a letter from me and a copy of her birth certificate to a couple friends who live about an hour away. If he decides to do something stupid like NOT send her back, he will be in MORE trouble then he knows what to do with. It won't be custodial interference, it would be kidnapping pure and simple.
I moniter her closely, talk to her daily, skype with her, have phone conversations that are private just to make sure all is OK. I have a very large friend who will go and scoop her up and bring her back to me if need be. If her Father did decide to do something stupid like that, he would loose his job and his home, I can't imagine he is that stupid.
I think I am going to allow him either Thanksgiving OR Christmas, his choice, I don't think there is a point in him having her for Spring break because the breaks in Texas are different then here in Florida, his son will be off at a different time and he will hardly get too see her. Then a month over the summer.
It makes sense for her to be with him, when he is taking time off from work, rather then sitting around his house waiting for him to come home from work and getting 2 hours in a day with him. We shall see how that works out since his parents are not interested in being involved with their first born grandaughter. If its more important to spend time with his parents then with his daughter, then thats a telling answer. He takes time off in the summer and the whole family gets together here in Florida at Mexico Beach, perfect time for him to spend with his daughter. We shall see if he can stand up to his parents about it. If not then that is very telling.
AND of course tell them if him if he wants to see more of her they are welcome here in Florida anytime.
difficult stuff. i know women that moved away just to spite the dad. it hurt the kids.
but there is always backlash. whenever a family member who has the care of the kids demonizes the absent parent or adult--- trust me when the kid is old enough he will go find out for himself and learn that you lied. present company excepted of course.
difficult stuff. i know women that moved away just to spite the dad. it hurt the kids.
but there is always backlash. whenever a family member who has the care of the kids demonizes the absent parent or adult--- trust me when the kid is old enough he will go find out for himself and learn that you lied. present company excepted of course.
I haven't demonized him and I haven't moved away to spite him. He signed over his parental rights because thats what he WANTED to do and then he dissappeared on his own. I tried to contact him, I tried to find him in the hopes he would change his mind, I did that about a year. Then I met someone else and we moved to Florida for work. All this time I had heard nothing from him.
The blame is squarly on HIS shoulders for this. I do feel sorry for him that he threw away the life of his daughter. I told him at the time, that if he walked out, he would regret what he was missing for the rest of his life. AND you know what the first thing he said to me was, that he regretted it more then anything.
While I say I haven't demonized him, I have told my daughter some truths about him, both good and bad. I have made excuses for his poor behavior in order to make her feel better. She has never read the papers showing he gave up his parental rights for example. I have told her for years, little things about him, funny things he did, things we did together. I know to demonize a parent is to make the child feel there is something wrong with them.
SO lets get something straight, he dissappeared on US, not the other way around. HE never paid one dime in child support, never paid one dime for my pre-natal care, never carried her on his insurance, NOTHING.
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