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The Pastor's Wife is almost a position in the church, although unofficial. It's not a leadership position but it is most certainly a servant position with lots of duties and very little authority. It's good to keep that in mind going forward.
I was on the Pastor-Parish Relations committee for several years, a word to the wise: pray to be given the patience of a saint. Even the pastor serves under the direction of the parish and expectations of the conduct of the entire family are high.
Understanding and accepting the culture of a church is essential for good relations between the pastor's (new) wife and the congregation. The people of this church are probably mourning the loss of the pastor's wife almost as much as he is. Gracious acknowledgement of big shoes to fill is the kind, not mention smart, response to this challenging position within the church.
Rather than becoming irritated at the frequent mention of Pastor's deceased wife, embrace her presence, speak of her yourself in positive terms. seek her actions as guidance for yourself.
A suggestion if relevant: volunteer to teach Sunday school, Vacation Bible School, Fellowship Hall Wednesday Night Suppers, etc. without expecting to be in charge at first, unless asked, ie. make yourself useful. If you're already doing one or more of these things, great!
The "negative" reaction you received from several posters to your initial post indicating a desire to move the BIG portrait of the Pastor's wife, now deceased, is probably a good indication of how the congregation would react to such a request as well.
Best wishes to you OP.
Very well said. I agree with all of the points you are making here. I think the members of the church will be more critical than the members of the relationship forum. If you get frustrated with the feedback in the relationship forum, you can ignore it and move on with your life. But when you are the Pastor's wife, you don't really have the same ability to maneuver. All of your choices are imputed on to your husband. You also likely have to continue to interact with the people in the Church, you might prefer not to deal with if it was solely up to you.
I would also say channel your inner Laura Bush. At every opportunity the press presented to her to lash out at Hilary Clinton, she never did. Even when Hilary Clinton made some catty remarks about Laura staying at home with the kids and her not working, she didn't take the bait. Instead she was forgiving and just talked about how difficult it is to be the spouse of someone running for office and really tried to be empathetic to the position of Hilary Clinton. I think she talked about how we all have bad days and can be tired.
In your case, I publicly would refuse to say anything that isn't glowing about the Pastor's first wife. I would also try to do everything to appear like you aren't throwing your weight around the Especially early on while you are getting aquatinted with the people of this church.If you have any issues with your husband or the Church discuss with your husband in private. Publicly I would humbly minimize your role in the Church. It's his church I am just his wife. Later as you get more acquainted, you can grow your role in the church.
@shelato
“Rather than becoming irritated at the frequent mention of Pastor's deceased wife, embrace her presence, speak of her yourself in positive terms. seek her actions as guidance for yourself.”
I’m only just curious. Why do you believe i have not done this? I’ve done nothing but to speak kindly of her. I would never do otherwise. And I believe she was a very wonderful woman who died way too young.
I have not mentioned to anyone about this at all. I believe in my heart, as time passes, he will speak more of us and be in the here and now. I have 2 additional years of healing from my late husband’s death than he had. I’m being taught patience for sure. Life is frequently not easy. I understand she was such a big part of the church. I have the support and the heart to go forward. I will not make any mention of the picture, ever again now that I know what’s proper. That’s why I asked. Nothing more.
As far as duties, my fiancé and I have been discussing just that. He has a plan and it’s all working out. His congregation has shown me nothing but love and kindness. They love their pastor so much that they are happy to see him happy again, and are embracing the thought of a new “mama” coming. I’ve been counseled by some of the other pastors and their wives, and they are preparing me very well. They will be my support besides my soon to be husband.
Thanks for all your suggestions and help. I really appreciate your kind and helpful words.
This is a perfect place to end the thread. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials, OP. May God bless you, your husband and your congregation.
.
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