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If you have interest in her but aren't sure if you can trust her, and if she reaches out again if she breaks up with ex again, if you want more physical contact, I would ask her about that because you don't want to waste time. Say that explicitly and "define the relationship" any time something is "rebound like."
You need something more serious. For me, being able to share something physical is a sign of seriousness, even if temporary. If she feels it's "too fast" and wants to "start over", you should say no because you don't deserve to be a "do-over"!
I met her at work it’s a long story but I’ll try to condense it. Basically I started to like her but she had a bf at the time. She broke up with him (at this point in time I didn’t know they dated 3 years). I asked her out and she said yes but she ended up canceling the day before but wanted to reschedule. A week later she sends this long text saying she was still in love with the ex and didn’t want that relationship to end and she needed time before she could hang out with a guy again but we would meet up but not right away.
After that text I left it alone but a few months later we talked and she told me it was really over now and we planned another get together that ended up being canceled by me because she was saying she was trying with the ex again.
I let it go again and a couple months later another text asking me to go to the park with her on the long weekend. That meet up happened and the first day was pretty good but the next day she basically talked all about how her ex did everything wrong everything was his fault.
Even after that we have continued to meet up so it’s been since September.
Mod cut.
One, the way a filly gets over being ridden by her favorite cowboy is by getting a new bronco rider in the saddle. Sooner or later some cow poke is going to dig his spurs into that filly, so it might as well be you. That will either make you her new cowboy or at least give and ending to her last rodeo and ready her for the next round-up. You never know you might be the ranch hand that stays on and gets to move from the bunk house to the main house.
Two, we men are hunters by nature and women are our natural prey. So go stalk yourself some prey and when you get her in your sights pull the trigger.
Since you seem a bit timid, I'll tell you how to do it. Invite her over to help you cook dinner. Have mood music playing, candles on the table and at least a scrumptious chocolate that you immediately serve to your prey/lady/quarry. She will pick up on all this and know the hunt is on in full vigor. The reason for the help me with dinner invite is to get her in the kitchen where it is easy to manufacture close quarters. Stand behind her as she is washing vegetables or cutting an onion and reach around while you stand behind her (if it was me my teeth would be lightly grazing the nape of her neck as I encircled her wait with my arm as I pull her against me, but maybe for you not so much or be bold), she will likely do one of two things: freeze up and go stiff or move back into you. Remember via the music, candles, and chocolate she knew this was coming and already selected her response. If she stiffens say "I am sorry, but I guess that answers the question" and deescalate from there back into friend zone, if she moves into you, you might want to forget making dinner and end up ordering Chinese from the phone next to your bed a couple of hours later.
Now go stalk some prey, either her or that cute cashier at the grocery store.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 05-03-2024 at 02:53 PM..
Reason: Rude and inappropriate.
I met her at work it’s a long story but I’ll try to condense it. Basically I started to like her but she had a bf at the time. She broke up with him (at this point in time I didn’t know they dated 3 years). I asked her out and she said yes but she ended up canceling the day before but wanted to reschedule. A week later she sends this long text saying she was still in love with the ex and didn’t want that relationship to end and she needed time before she could hang out with a guy again but we would meet up but not right away.
After that text I left it alone but a few months later we talked and she told me it was really over now and we planned another get together that ended up being canceled by me because she was saying she was trying with the ex again.
I let it go again and a couple months later another text asking me to go to the park with her on the long weekend. That meet up happened and the first day was pretty good but the next day she basically talked all about how her ex did everything wrong everything was his fault.
Even after that we have continued to meet up so it’s been since September.
You should have provided this info earlier, which makes things clearer now.
Looks like she is just looking for someone to listen to her emotions and feelings and be around when needed.
No one here knows. You'll have to gird your loins or something and find out.
This. Just... do it. Can't be anything worse than going along in this limbo forever. Your other choice is to simply cut her off. Do whichever seems like the consequences will be least painful to you (but then, own your choice and don't whine either that you miss her if you didn't make a move or that she turned you down if you did).
(I sucked at asking people out because I'm not a fan of rejection, but even I've had a few times when a guy just. wouldn't. make. a. move and I finally realized I had to take matters into my own hands and move things along instead of wondering where we stood.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by wma152
Plenty of women will go on dates with men knowing fully they have no interest in them and nothing will happen between her and you.
But did he make it clear it was a date, which was the point of the post you quoted? I've had a couple times where a guy will ask me to do something, and I figure there's no way it's not a date, but he never actually makes it clear that we are going out in a romantic fashion, which makes it awkward when I decline because I can't explicitly say, "I'm not interested in you that way" (to make it clear the answer is no this time and every time he might feel inclined to ask) if he might come back with, "Ew, no, I just wanted to go do something with a friend!" and then things get weird. So, if some women think that they are being invited to do something by a friend and don't realize it's supposed to be a big romantic thing... they might not even realize they're "disappointing" you. I always say the difference between men and women seems to be that women can view a male friend in the same way they can a female friend. But men, it seems, will not give a woman the time of day unless he's hoping to get into her pants. The fact that most members of either sex don't seem to understand this about the other is a big reason for strife in the dating world.
Mod cut.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 05-03-2024 at 02:56 PM..
Reason: Personal attack; questioning the veracity of the OP.
At age 70 I don't ever remember using the phrase "Wanna go on a date?". Of course, I've been out of the dating pool for over 40 years, Mrs. NBP make it clear when we got married that dating was out.
Usually it was something on the order of "Wanna go see a movie/concert/midget wrestling (that was a "NO")/go dancing (which really meant drinking)/or something else. They were at least silently acknowledged as "a date".
But there hasn’t been any signs she feels the same like I said she doesn’t flirt or try to touch me. Wouldn’t she do that if she liked me.
This woman has gone out with you 10 times and she has had you over to her place three times. That is a big deal.
Most women since they were young girls have been told to be wary of strange men they don't know and trust. Date rape or just really sketchy behavior from guys is a recurrent problem for women in dating and if this woman hasn't personally dealt with these issues herself she knows one or more close friends or family members who has dealt with these issues and warned her.
As part of keeping herself safe, women generally avoid putting themselves anywhere they might get sexually assaulted and that means not agreeing to go with you anywhere sex could happen until they really trust you. So the fact that she is repeatedly inviting you to her place alone one on one is a big deal. That she is also going to the effort to make you something to eat and all of the shopping involved in that plus likely cleaning the place before you come over. That generally doesn't happen if she is not fairly interested and trying to make something happen here.
As to why she is not flirting with you nor making a move on you. First she is likely confused where she stands with you. In general women are worried about being sl*tshamed. That makes it tricky for women to be too forward especially early on in the the dating process. It's all the more tricky because you didn't actually ask her on an actual date and so the relationship status between you and her is unclear. Just like you don't know where you stand with her, she doesn't know where she stands with you. You are also a guy she works with. She doesn't want to be cast in office gossip as the office sl*t, so again that is another reason she doesn't want to make the first move.
I know some people on this thread were saying you don't need to formally ask a woman on a date. But I think that when you try to pursue a woman with out actually asking on a date. You create for yourself a lot of the problems you are dealing with on this thread. Neither of you know where you stand with each, so neither of you know whether you can flirt or banter or whether it's okay to try low level physical contact, like holding hands, kissing or putting your arms around your her waist.
Actually asking women on dates clarifies intentions. When she is agrees to the date, she has agreed to the possibility that you might try to engage in normal first date behavior and if you are trying to hold hands with her in this situation your behavior isn't socially miscalculated. Part of the reason neither of you have done this yet is likely is neither of you is really sure it's socially acceptable here because neither of you are quite sure where you stand with the other person.
Now whether she is still interested or has given up on you is an open question. She may have decided because you didn't make a move on her, that you aren't actually interested. If you wait too long, your window of opportunity with a given woman can close. I could see that happening here.
How I would try to recover this situation is by being emotionally honest. I would tell her, something to the effect of, "I think you have figured now that I both like you and that I am not exactly Mr. Suave, right? I like you a lot, but I tend to get too much in my head. I get nervous, feel insecure and then I debate in my mind what I should do. But I really love hanging out with you. I thought it was great you were so willing to have me over to your place and I don't just want to be friends with you, I want to see if things romantically could work out between us. Have I screwed things up too much by waiting too long to have this conversation with you? Because I would love to try dating you."
Paraphrase that sentiment in your own words.
Good relationships involve good communication. Good communication involves emotionally opening up to women and letting them know what you are thinking - so share your inner dialogue with women you are interested in. When you are attracted to women spend less time trying to read the tea leaves to guess her intentions and just talk to her.
I met her at work it’s a long story but I’ll try to condense it. Basically I started to like her but she had a bf at the time.
She broke up with him (at this point in time I didn’t know they dated 3 years).
I asked her out and she said yes but she ended up canceling the day before but wanted to reschedule.
A week later she sends this long text saying she was still in love with the ex and didn’t want that relationship to end and she needed time before she could hang out with a guy again but we would meet up but not right away.
After that text I left it alone but a few months later we talked and she told me it was really over now
and we planned another get together that ended up being canceled by me because she was saying she was trying with the ex again.
I let it go again and a couple months later another text asking me to go to the park with her on the long weekend.
That meet up happened and the first day was pretty good but the next day she basically talked all about how her ex did everything wrong everything was his fault.
Even after that we have continued to meet up so it’s been since September.
It sounds like she knows you’re interested, so either 1. she is too but hasn’t gotten over her ex and or 2. just wants you to be her bestie sounding board even knowing you are trying to date her OR 3. you are winning trust and she might eventually get over that ex. But maybe 4. She isn’t going to define things because she’s not ready, or she’s unsure who to date.
But each time you let her alone for a couple months she comes back. Ambivalent. Typically rebound people feel broken, sad, lonely, but aren’t fully healed. She needs to breathe and heal.
I wouldn’t push any issue but say it seems like she’s not ready to get involved, but you could say you’d be interested when she is ready and leave it to her. That may lead her to just do her own thing, or realize she wants to try to be closer.
I’m not sure which it is. Doesn’t hurt to be honest. Pushing for something might lead to her agreeing, but flaking too. Letting her come to you in her own timeline seems ok to me. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t.
You have shown consistent interest over time, and that is something that means something to her, or it does not.
Plenty of women will go on dates with men knowing fully they have no interest in them and nothing will happen between her and you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144
But did he make it clear it was a date, which was the point of the post you quoted? I've had a couple times where a guy will ask me to do something, and I figure there's no way it's not a date, but he never actually makes it clear that we are going out in a romantic fashion, which makes it awkward when I decline because I can't explicitly say, "I'm not interested in you that way" (to make it clear the answer is no this time and every time he might feel inclined to ask) if he might come back with, "Ew, no, I just wanted to go do something with a friend!" and then things get weird. So, if some women think that they are being invited to do something by a friend and don't realize it's supposed to be a big romantic thing... they might not even realize they're "disappointing" you. I always say the difference between men and women seems to be that women can view a male friend in the same way they can a female friend. But men, it seems, will not give a woman the time of day unless he's hoping to get into her pants. The fact that most members of either sex don't seem to understand this about the other is a big reason for strife in the dating world.
I will say this again, women will go out on dates with men, knowing the men are interested in them romantically, when they "the women" themselves already know they do not have the same intention.
Some women will do that because they haven't been asked out in a long time and need that validation again. Some will go for the free entertainment and meal. Some will just want to tell their friends they went on the date, when ask what they did over the weekend, rather then saying I stay home the whole weekend.
Why do you think men complain after meeting a woman everything seems well and they agree to a date
and the date went well, but never to hear from the women again and not knowing what change from meeting them to the date itself that seems to be just fine?
I have been hanging out with this woman for awhile now but our getting together hasnt been called an official date by either one of us. We have been out together 10 or more times on a fairly regular basis, she has also had me over for dinner 3 times. There has been no flirting or physical contact so far from either of us or signs she wants me to make a move on her. Im beginning to have feelings for this woman and dont know how to proceed. Did i wait to long to make a move, should i talk with her, should i persue her a bit more because my effort so far has been low key as not to push to far.
This is a "sticky" for sure. I guess the best thing to do is call her and say "hey, we've not really been on an official "date" yet, why don't we go do something fun together soon." One of two things will happen. She will say " Oh OK that sounds good." and follow through, or she won't be available for hanging out anymore. At least you'll know and you can move on before investing too much feeling into her.
So have I blown my chance with her yet or no. Yes I realize I am late on making a move
Do you read any of the comments??
What Shelato said makes a lot of sense.
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