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I was dating someone for a month and almost every day he would tell me that he thought I was cute and that he liked me. It moved really fast because he didn't seem afraid to talk about marriage already and he wanted me to meet his parents by the second or third week. I move slower than that so I had my reservations and said we'll see. I felt like we were in high school. The feelings were very intense and heavy. It felt like we skipped the honey moon phase and jumped straight to being a couple. We didn't go out very much, mostly hung out in our pj's. Sometimes we'd go out to eat or watch a movie, but it was super casual. Something you would do if you were living with someone. That's when I realized I wasn't satisfied with where it was going. He also joked a lot, almost about everything, talked and acted like a kid and I felt like I was babysitting him sometimes which turned me off. I tried asking him questions about himself but he never answered them straight so I stopped. And before I knew it, I realized I didn't know anything about this person. He talked about his friends and his ex-gfs a lot and I told him that made me feel like we lacked chemistry. I was also stuck at home because I didn't have a car at the time so he always came to me. I wanted to go out more but he felt like I didn't appreciate him for coming all the way to see me. And since he drove all the way to see me, I think he expected me to take him out on dates but I didn't. I did cook for him though but he didn't seem to appreciate that too much. I guess we have different values because I would prefer a home cooked meal from someone than for them to pay for my meal. And when I tried to be vulnerable and tell him things, he made fun of what I told him and I didn't like that. When I asked him to stop, he rolled his eyes.
In the back of my head, I kept hearing voices to break up with him, that I won't be happy with him, but at the same time, I really really wanted to stay with him. I thought, it's just a month, I don't really know this person, I choose to be with him, but at the same time, I heard conflicting voices telling me it shouldn't be this hard this early on. I was video chatting him one day and he said something that really bugged me. I heard a voice that told me to let it go but I got tired of him using me as the butt of his jokes and not listening to me when I told him to stop so it put me in a really bad mood. I should have hung up and told him I'll talk to him the next day but I wanted it figured out then and there. He kept joking when I was trying to have a serious conversation and I looked at him through the screen and realized I just liked him for his looks and thought it wasn't fair to him or me. Before I could control myself, I told him I wanted to break up. We hung up and I cried, not feeling relieved in any way because I didn't want to do it, but I was super angry at the same time.
It took me three days to get over my anger. I finally called him and told him I didn't mean it and I wanted to get back together. But he was already done with me. He made many assumptions about me and made me feel terrible and I ended up taking all the blame. I later realized that he played a part in the breakup too but played the victim. But he never said no to getting back. He just said he'll think about it.
Even through all this, I still think of him. I already said a lot to him. At first I sent him a long email trying to explain everything, a text saying I wanted him back and wanted to give him space, and finally, another email telling him I was done too and I don't think we were ever that happy together. He never responded to any of that.
It just confuses me how someone who had claimed to like me so much could cut me off in a heartbeat. Sure, I was the one who broke it off, but he was the one who made me feel bad enough to do it. It's pretty obvious we're not good for each other but the crazy thing is, I would probably still get back with him if he were to come back, despite what I said in my last email. I know I said a lot of negatives about him here but he was super supportive with me and my car and he had me sold when he offered to come and help me do some stuff to my car when it wasn't running. I really appreciated him for that. He was also really good with my niece and I liked that he was good with kids. I thought that he was the kind of person who would be there for me if I was sick. He was funny and smart too but he could turn the jokes down a notch.
I'm thinking maybe he didn't like me as much as claimed or he does think about getting back too but knows it's a bad idea. But when I talked to him last, it really did sound like he had moved on pretty quickly in three days. This has been two months ago btw. I know now that I should never ever bring up any talk of incompatibility or breaking up whatsoever if I still want to work things out with a person. But the way I was feeling at the time, I was thinking that maybe he would be better off with someone else. \
OP, forget about it. This guy is a virtual stranger to you; he never let you get to know him; you didn't even know where he lived or at least--had never seen his place. All that was deliberate on his part. But even more important--telling you every day he likes you and thinks you're cute was fake. Moving too fast & wanting you to meet his family right away--fake. That's a railroading tactic we call "too much, too soon". Especially the early talk about marriage. Guys do that, thinking women will fall for it (and some do....Exhibit A: you), which is ridiculous. He's known you two weeks, and already wants to get married? Normal, honest people don't do that.
THIS GUY IS A MASTER PLAYER! OP, take time out, and I'm serious, to GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD, so that you won't fall for the same tactics again. He was just using you, and obviously never cared about you. You never knew who he really was, so there's nothing to miss or pine over.
In the future, don't let guys:
** Rush you into a relationship. (HUGE red flag!)
** Flatter you with sweet words all the time.
** Get you to settle for "dates" at home all the time, in your PJ's, no less.
**. Hide who they are from you.
**. Make fun of you, especially when you open up and show vulnerability. (That's emotional abuse.)
**. Take you for granted.
It sounds like you don't even have minimal standards for dating. This is basic stuff. These issues make our forum debates about whether couples should go Dutch or whether the guy should pay for everything look like petty details by comparison. You let some stranger sweet-talk and hustle his way into your house and your body within what--a week or two, just because he was good-looking? YIKES! You're really opening yourself up to becoming a crime victim, lady.
There's nothing to get over, because it was all fake. I'm sorry to be blunt or harsh, but it sounds like you need a wake-up call. Maybe consider getting a few sessions of counseling, to get help and support in setting boundaries, and also: listening to your gut feelings. You had a feeling early on, that you should break up, but didn't heed that. You felt like it was moving too fast, but you failed to take a stand on that (that's what I mean by "boundaries"). You let this guy run right over you.
Don't let it happen again, OP. Take this as a major learning experience.
I'm from the olden days where a man drove to get a woman and took her out, but regardless all the rest.....disaster.
I do not move on quickly so I sympathize with you there, but I don't think this was going anywhere. You're not missing out on anything. It was only a month and neither of you really liked the other. You kept each other occupied and had sex, I presume. Which is fine but that is all it was.
Reading your post I get the impression that it's ultimately that you stood up for yourself that's the "problem"... For him. I could only assume that's why it was easier for him to move on, he's probably looking for a more go-with-HIS-flow, docile partner.
Wanting to know more about your partner, listening, respecting are all good traits to have and want in a relationship. You should be able to discuss if something bothers you. It just wasn't in this relationship... So how can there be any depth in the connection?
OP, forget about it. This guy is a virtual stranger to you; he never let you get to know him; you didn't even know where he lived or at least--had never seen his place. All that was deliberate on his part. But even more important--telling you every day he likes you and thinks you're cute was fake. Moving too fast & wanting you to meet his family right away--fake. That's a railroading tactic we call "too much, too soon". Especially the early talk about marriage. Guys do that, thinking women will fall for it (and some do....Exhibit A: you), which is ridiculous. He's known you two weeks, and already wants to get married? Normal, honest people don't do that.
THIS GUY IS A MASTER PLAYER! OP, take time out, and I'm serious, to GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD, so that you won't fall for the same tactics again. He was just using you, and obviously never cared about you. You never knew who he really was, so there's nothing to miss or pine over.
In the future, don't let guys:
** Rush you into a relationship. (HUGE red flag!)
** Flatter you with sweet words all the time.
** Get you to settle for "dates" at home all the time, in your PJ's, no less.
**. Hide who they are from you.
**. Make fun of you, especially when you open up and show vulnerability. (That's emotional abuse.)
**. Take you for granted.
It sounds like you don't even have minimal standards for dating. This is basic stuff. These issues make our forum debates about whether couples should go Dutch or whether the guy should pay for everything look like petty details by comparison. You let some stranger sweet-talk and hustle his way into your house and your body within what--a week or two, just because he was good-looking? YIKES! You're really opening yourself up to becoming a crime victim, lady.
There's nothing to get over, because it was all fake. I'm sorry to be blunt or harsh, but it sounds like you need a wake-up call. Maybe consider getting a few sessions of counseling, to get help and support in setting boundaries, and also: listening to your gut feelings. You had a feeling early on, that you should break up, but didn't heed that. You felt like it was moving too fast, but you failed to take a stand on that (that's what I mean by "boundaries"). You let this guy run right over you.
Don't let it happen again, OP. Take this as a major learning experience.
I do feel pretty stupid for falling for it. He said all the right things, how he didn't want to rush in to sex and wanted to build a relationship with me first.. and he would bring up all these players his sister dated and insisted that he wasn't like them when I joked that he might be like that. I think I know that it was fake but I'm feeling cheated so I wanted to prove that it wasn't fake. I believed that there was something wrong with me for not feeling the same way he did so quickly because I had a hard time believing that someone could like another person that quickly. This is a classic case of easy come, easy go. I just feel stubborn about it for some reason. I did start therapy because of this. I know I have boundary issues and need help with self-compassion. I wasn't even looking for anything when he came along and I told him that. Why didn't he want to get back then? I believed he was emotional and hurt. But he did tell me he thought I did mean to break up.
Reading your post I get the impression that it's ultimately that you stood up for yourself that's the "problem"... For him. I could only assume that's why it was easier for him to move on, he's probably looking for a more go-with-HIS-flow, docile partner.
Wanting to know more about your partner, listening, respecting are all good traits to have and want in a relationship. You should be able to discuss if something bothers you. It just wasn't in this relationship... So how can there be any depth in the connection?
Thank you for pointing that out. All I wanted was a happy and healthy relationship but he gas lighted me and made assumptions about me and projected his past on to me painting me as someone who would try and take advantage of him when I never had such intentions. I felt bad for standing up for myself.. which I don't get... ???? I've been in this situation before where I couldn't stand how someone was treating me and I left but I second guessed myself and walked right back in to disaster. Why do I do this? I'm smart enough to recognize it but for whatever reason, I believe I'm not worth leaving being treated terribly...??? I really need help believing I'm worth more.. which I don't think I believe right now and it's killing me. I tend to put people before me and that's good and all until I realize they're not doing the same. I think I've really messed up my life because of this terrible trait of mine. My therapist keeps telling me to work on self-compassion and to see myself as my friend because I wouldn't let anyone treat my friends like that but it's a lot more difficult when it comes to myself.. maybe I'm self-hating. I don't know. But I don't actually hate myself.
Thank you for pointing that out. All I wanted was a happy and healthy relationship but he gas lighted me and made assumptions about me and projected his past on to me painting me as someone who would try and take advantage of him when I never had such intentions. I felt bad for standing up for myself.. which I don't get... ???? I've been in this situation before where I couldn't stand how someone was treating me and I left but I second guessed myself and walked right back in to disaster. Why do I do this? I'm smart enough to recognize it but for whatever reason, I believe I'm not worth leaving being treated terribly...??? I really need help believing I'm worth more.. which I don't think I believe right now and it's killing me. I tend to put people before me and that's good and all until I realize they're not doing the same. I think I've really messed up my life because of this terrible trait of mine. My therapist keeps telling me to work on self-compassion and to see myself as my friend because I wouldn't let anyone treat my friends like that but it's a lot more difficult when it comes to myself.. maybe I'm self-hating. I don't know. But I don't actually hate myself.
A month. Within a month he was gaslighting and all this?
Thank you for pointing that out. All I wanted was a happy and healthy relationship but he gas lighted me and made assumptions about me and projected his past on to me painting me as someone who would try and take advantage of him when I never had such intentions. I felt bad for standing up for myself.. which I don't get... ???? I've been in this situation before where I couldn't stand how someone was treating me and I left but I second guessed myself and walked right back in to disaster. Why do I do this? I'm smart enough to recognize it but for whatever reason, I believe I'm not worth leaving being treated terribly...??? I really need help believing I'm worth more.. which I don't think I believe right now and it's killing me. I tend to put people before me and that's good and all until I realize they're not doing the same. I think I've really messed up my life because of this terrible trait of mine. My therapist keeps telling me to work on self-compassion and to see myself as my friend because I wouldn't let anyone treat my friends like that but it's a lot more difficult when it comes to myself.. maybe I'm self-hating. I don't know. But I don't actually hate myself.
OP, I say this without any judgment of you, only compassion.
How terrible it would be to not be able to trust your best friend--YOU. Meaning, if I could not trust myself (me being my best friend), I would feel perpetually lost and anxious. As I read your posts in this thread, I think, "Wow, this young lady is frantically seeking help and guidance just so she can find some peace in her life." I feel sad (not pity) for you. I have great hope for you, though, because you seem like a very intelligent, kind, warm and genuinely good person.
Your writings smack of desperation. You sound desperate to have someone, romantic or not, in your life to help you find some peace within yourself. I don't think that works. I don't think others can find "the answers" for you. Sure, others can guide you, but often their advice is based on their own experiences, perceptions and desires/goals in life. No two people live the same life. "The answers" are in you to find, not outside of you. Look inside.
I don't know what drives the desperation I sense from your writings. But, desperate people tend to do desperate things, like in your case, let others use you or completely disregard your boundaries (which you seem to have a hard time enforcing.) Don't let others be dismissive of you or disrespect you. When you allow that, it speaks to what you think about yourself.
I don't know how to convince you that you are just as worthy and valuable as most other people are. But, I can tell you with certainly you are. You just don't feel that about yourself.
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You're really opening yourself up to becoming a crime victim, lady. 