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I find it a turn-off. Just like the humble-brags on this thread.
I used to enjoy giving compliments but after I said something to 2 different women about their fabulous hair, and just getting dismissive replies, I said "no more". They certainly don't need anything from me. No more compliments on looks from me. I thought women appreciated compliments from other women, but.....
One said "Yeah, good hair genes" and the other said "yeah, I hear that all the time". Shake my head.
Try complimenting on characteristics you want to encourage in people instead of appearance. It's probably more appreciated.
People who pose in real life: I remember when voguing was popular in the eighties. I knew people did it while dancing but I didn't know some people did it otherwise.
I was walking on a beach in Mexico and walked past a high-end beach club and there were all these trust fund babies all standing around like mannequins. Couldn't stifle a laugh. I wondered if they were having any fun at all and how did they meet anyone? Didn't they ever have to go to the bathroom?
Doing a pose like that once or twice, not a big deal. But some people post poses like that constantly. I find it to be narcissistic, which is a personality trait that I find to be very unappealing.
Well narcissistic behavior is inherently human and we're all guilty of it in one way or another, so I don't think it's fair to cast that title on someone based solely on their appreciation of their own looks. This is actually a very dangerous way of thinking: attributing certain character flaws to someone based on their appearance or trivial habits. Because I'd imagine that if a considerably "unattractive" person uploaded a bunch of selfies to their social media page that few would take offense to that.
Again, I just don't agree that one always has to shrink themselves down in order to be a good person.
Doing a pose like that once or twice, not a big deal. But some people post poses like that constantly. I find it to be narcissistic, which is a personality trait that I find to be very unappealing.
I have often found it difficult to carry an intelligent conversation with the kind of people who constantly pose like that on social media sites.
I find it a turn-off. Just like the humble-brags on this thread.
I used to enjoy giving compliments but after I said something to 2 different women about their fabulous hair, and just getting dismissive replies, I said "no more". They certainly don't need anything from me. No more compliments on looks from me. I thought women appreciated compliments from other women, but.....
One said "Yeah, good hair genes" and the other said "yeah, I hear that all the time". Shake my head.
I'm sincerely curious, for you, what would've been acceptable replies to your compliments? A simple "thank you!"?
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SnazzyB
I'm sincerely curious, for you, what would've been acceptable replies to your compliments? A simple "thank you!"?
In the last year, for some odd reason, I have been the recipient of two such compliments about my beard. The best was a lovely young woman working at the office next door who passed me going the other way and said "I like your beard." I responded "thanks" and probably turned red from embarrassment. I suppose coming from someone 1/2 my age was a bit of a shock. Then my wife and I were at a classic car swap meet and some guy said "nice beard" when passing me. Again I said "thanks" and kept walking, not as affected by his compliment.
There is that thing that the more socially agreeable you are the more attractive people will perceive you to be. Presentation is important. A smile is your friend.
And a word about false humility. That was a common practice where I grew up. It might have been a cultural trait or coping mechanism that our immigrant population adopted to stave off unwanted attention or envy. In my home culture it was considered bad form to ever admit to anything others didn't have. Most of us tried not to look more wealthy, important, more talented than anyone else. It was sure to raise community criticism. This is probably true in most cultures.
If anyone complimented you the socially correct response was to deny that you were any different than anyone else. That was considered gracious. But actually I always thought it was a demonstration of dishonesty, false humility.
I hadn't recognized how much we had carried that silent rule along with us until one day after dinner my young daughter said, "Good meal, Mom," and I answered, "Yes, it was, wasn't it?" She looked startled and told me I wasn't supposed to agree. That sounded like bragging!
But I feel a bit different about superficial attractiveness which has just entered the conversation. If someone told me I was attractive I think I would feel awkward, even if I thought so, to say, "Yes, I am, aren't I?" It's just not in our book of socially approved phrases.
I have the same kind of thinking on this subject. I don't know that I had a whole culture or community that was suppressing any kind of personal displays of pride, but my family discouraged it. I recall that upon hearing me tell my Grandfather about reading lots of books and getting a good grade in a class, when I was a child, my Mom said, "quit bragging and tooting your own horn. Nobody likes a know it all." I was an ugly kid, frankly, and I was not permitted to be proud of any of my accomplishments, but lots of attention was fixed on every flaw or error.
Looking back, honestly, it bothers me. Perhaps if my family did not insist on training me to put myself down at all times, I might have had the self esteem to have not ended up with the jerk I spent 18 years with. I might have had the vaguest notion that for any good and worthwhile quality I possessed, I deserved better. I did not believe at the time, that I had poor self esteem, though. I had a scrappy kind of confidence. But I didn't think it was OK to think of myself as good looking (by age 14 I definitely was, but I did not think so then.) And while I liked my mind a great deal and still do, I don't always expect that to matter to anyone other than me.
I did eventually decide to take compliments with a smile and a "thank you" rather than denials. Part of that is the fact that I like giving compliments to others in the hopes of brightening their day. I give other people the reaction that I am hoping for when the roles are reversed. But connection is far more important to me than being admired. I don't put much effort into my looks. I have a no-makeup nerdy girl thing going on. My shirts are chosen for some pop culture reference that hopefully sparks conversation (today it's Space Ghost Coast to Coast) rather than to accentuate my body. I want to be approachable more than I want to be stared at.
I have a hard time evaluating myself in the present as attractive or not. I look in the mirror and always see everything that is not quite right. But since the other people that I find very attractive, in my life, seem to find ME pretty attractive...whether for just looks or my personality or vibe or whatever it is...I'll take it!
So yeah, I think I like best when someone is able to be honest about generally how attractive they are...but does not act as though it makes them better than anyone else. People should be allowed to have pride in whatever they've got going on...looks, smarts, accomplishments, whatever...as long as they don't act like a snob about it. But I tell ya...parents really need to teach their kids not to put themselves down, but also not to be arrogant a-holes, as with most things it's about balance.
If a person is attractive, I think they reach a point where they just know. I can name a dozen ways society treats attractive people differently.
Attractiveness in people is seen in different ways other than just "looks" on the outside. All people are attractive in their own way.
I fail to see where "society" fails certain individuals, due to their looks. I think that people with low self esteem seem to think that society has let them down in some way, because they are tall, short, overweight, too thin, scraggly hair, whatever. No Sense. Attractiveness is inside and out, and ALL people are attractive. Please elaborate, what is happening that seems to be ONLY happening to people that perceive yourselves to be unattractive?
As for who may or may not be "more" attractive , who cares? If a person is a healthy, happy individual, things like this never even enter their minds.
What do they want? Beauty Pageants for unattractive people? What is it that they want? What has society done to you ? I really want to know. I have a real problem with this, there is a radio commercial now where these women are saying " I believe all women are worthy of love." In regard to "looks", and one woman says " I just wish we could all stop sucking in our stomachs." Really? Wow.
If you think you need to suck in your stomach for any reason around other humans, then do something about it. Everyone has the capability of improving their looks, if that is something that really bothers them, but don't blame society that you feel left out or overlooked or ignored or whatever it is you feel.
YOU are in control of how society treats you, not the other way around. YOUR self esteem is your problem , not our Society.
Please name one dozen ways that Society has treated the unattractive population differently than those who have exceptional good looks on the outside?
I had a question on a job interview once and the lady said "Do you think you are attractive?" I replied "that is completely irrelevant to our discussion and that is a personal question." The truth? Sure, I think I'm attractive, and I also see my faults as well. But I don't blame our Society so i'll feel better about my physical appearance.
Attractiveness in people is seen in different ways other than just "looks" on the outside. All people are attractive in their own way.
I fail to see where "society" fails certain individuals, due to their looks. I think that people with low self esteem seem to think that society has let them down in some way, because they are tall, short, overweight, too thin, scraggly hair, whatever. No Sense. Attractiveness is inside and out, and ALL people are attractive. Please elaborate, what is happening that seems to be ONLY happening to people that perceive yourselves to be unattractive?
As for who may or may not be "more" attractive , who cares? If a person is a healthy, happy individual, things like this never even enter their minds.
What do they want? Beauty Pageants for unattractive people? What is it that they want? What has society done to you ? I really want to know. I have a real problem with this, there is a radio commercial now where these women are saying " I believe all women are worthy of love." In regard to "looks", and one woman says " I just wish we could all stop sucking in our stomachs." Really? Wow.
If you think you need to suck in your stomach for any reason around other humans, then do something about it. Everyone has the capability of improving their looks, if that is something that really bothers them, but don't blame society that you feel left out or overlooked or ignored or whatever it is you feel.
YOU are in control of how society treats you, not the other way around. YOUR self esteem is your problem , not our Society.
Please name one dozen ways that Society has treated the unattractive population differently than those who have exceptional good looks on the outside?
I had a question on a job interview once and the lady said "Do you think you are attractive?" I replied "that is completely irrelevant to our discussion and that is a personal question." The truth? Sure, I think I'm attractive, and I also see my faults as well. But I don't blame our Society so i'll feel better about my physical appearance.
There are studies that show that more attractive people have an advantage in job interviews and hiring.
But, yes, that was a really weird question unless you were applying for a modeling job!
I know for a fact that I got a job offer because I was more attractive than the other woman who applied for the same position.
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