Wife is terrified of pregnancy (pills, hormone, husband, surrogacy)
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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 5 days ago)
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OP, did you not have this conversation before you married? You want kids, did she cheerfully say she also wants to be pregnant and have children?
This is a conversation you HAVE TO HAVE before you marry.
If it's really important to you to have children (as it was to me, and I had 3) it's time to divorce her and find another woman whose not so neurotic. Pregnancy is hard. Childbirth hurts. A LOT. Life goes on.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 5 days ago)
35,615 posts, read 17,948,343 times
Reputation: 50641
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilLisa83
Why did it hurt after?!? I never had a issue. I had 2 c section!
You're being weird. C-sections HURT afterward, and it takes a while until you can sit up from a lying down position. All your ab muscles are cut through.
There are people who don't experience pain, I guess, but that's not typical. The rest of us soldier on, with normal physiologies and normal pain. And I was up and around walking and carrying my babies the day after my c-sections, but I CERTAINLY wouldn't have said something like "why did it hurt". No one experiences NO PAIN after a c-section.
OP, did you not have this conversation before you married? You want kids, did she cheerfully say she also wants to be pregnant and have children?
This is a conversation you HAVE TO HAVE before you marry.
If it's really important to you to have children (as it was to me, and I had 3) it's time to divorce her and find another woman whose not so neurotic. Pregnancy is hard. Childbirth hurts. A LOT. Life goes on.
My guess is that maybe they did, but either she didn't mention this because she thought she'd get over it someday, or she did mention it and they both thought she'd get over it some day?
Please don't pressure your wife to go through this. Her fears are legitimate; not something "in her head."
Your future is not "slipping away from you;" your future is your partnership with your wife. Please respect her in this.
Right. I got a little PO'ed reading the post because:
1) If the woman is this anxious and fragile altogether it's a bad idea to have kids unless she gets better. I would suggest therapy and talking with women who've been through pregnancy. Trust me, I grew up with a very unstable mother and you do NOT want to put that experience on your kids.
2) You need a new doc. He sounds like one of those sexist alt-righters who tell women to have babies asap before their "ovaries dry up". What a rude POS.
Maybe in reality she knows deep down that pregnancy isn't for her, or having a child. Personally, I think having children is overrated; as it's not the only way to live a fulfilling life. Like really sit down and think this through because your life will drastically change forever. Once you have a kid, it's 100% not about you anymore. Travelling, changing jobs, and other stuff that you'd like to do w/ your time and money may have to be put on the backburner until that kid grows up. And then? They're still gonna be dependent on you two for the rest of your lives. Like really think about it.
You don't need kids to live a fulfilling life, but if you are absolutely certain it's what you wanna do then by all means, help your wife as much as you can with getting her to the right mindset for bearing children and looking after them. Also I agree with the posters saying not to rule out surrogacy or adoption.
My wife and I have been talking on and off for the past two years about trying to have a child. One of our major issues is that she is legitimately terrified of going through a pregnancy. Specifically, she's afraid of the pain of labor and carrying the child. I think this stems from the fact that she is terrified of pain in general, is unable to take injections or shots for example without significant preparation. She was required to a shot for her job awhile back and the trauma of that injection lasted for an entire day, full-blown crying non-stop.
We haven't tried to conceive yet, but we are getting older approaching our 40's and I'm starting to get worried. Just recently when talks had been going well and I thought everything was looking up, she had a complete "breakdown" and cried all day saying she can't do it. Obviously, I would never force her to get pregnant, but I'd be lying if I said not being able to be a father brings me such pain and sadness that I'm not sure how to deal with it. Adoption is a possibility but I've looked into it briefly and it does not seem like a very successful route for many people. There are no children in my extended family, and I was kind of the "last hope" to have children and now that future is slipping away from me. My wife's doctor has also been warning her that she needs to have children ASAP due to her age, so there is a lot of pressure from family and other sources which doesn't help.
I guess I'm looking for advice or encouragement from anyone who had a fear of pregnancy and overcame it, or powered through it, and how you managed to do it. Thank you.
If your wife is in her 40’s she might not even be able to get pregnant. Plenty of healthy women in late 20’s- late 30’s are having fertility issues so this might all be pointless. Assuming your wife is able to conceive she’s either going to have to have a c-section or look into breathing methods during labor. It’s actually a lot less painful if a woman is allowed to move freely during contractions and it would be a good idea to breath in between contractions to help calm her nerves. A thorough understanding of how labor works would help as well. I don’t think having a baby is in the cards for you, but if your wife will agree to try and least you can have fun trying.
Having a baby is always going to be a little scary because anything can go wrong. It’s sort of a do or die thing though and it really isn’t that painful. I’ve given birth naturally and the afterbirth hurt the most.
Please don't pressure your wife to go through this. Her fears are legitimate; not something "in her head."
Your future is not "slipping away from you;" your future is your partnership with your wife. Please respect her in this.
Umm... No. This fear is not legitimate and it IS all in her head. Women have given birth since the beginning of time, and in worse places than modern medicine has to offer, i.e., caves, shacks, tents, etc.. Giving birth is not a modern, untested feat; so no, it is not a legitimate fear.
Yes, it IS in her head. Anxiety lives in the head and can be overcome (My son lived with crippling anxiety for years. No amount of "therapy" worked or even helped. He learned breathing and mind exercises and overcame it on his own.).
I would seriously reconsider children with this woman. You will exhaust yourself with all the drama and hand holding she will demand while pregnant, and it isn't just about having a baby. Infants and toddlers are time consuming. Children, adolescents and teens have all different sets of needs. Having a baby doesn't stop at birth; it's a lifelong journey and often thankless.
Right. I got a little PO'ed reading the post because:
2) You need a new doc. He sounds like one of those sexist alt-righters who tell women to have babies asap before their "ovaries dry up". What a rude POS.
I have never known or heard of an ob-gyn being sexist. That would be an oxymoron.
FYI, women who give birth over 40 risk a whole host of complications; for example, giving birth to a child with downs syndrome is much more prevalent, many other birth defects show up in babies birthed to women over 40, there is a chance of excessive bleeding, and the list goes on... . It is known that a woman who has never gone through a pregnancy, and her first one is at the age of 40 or older has a high risk of complications.
I was 40 when my son was born and my doctor was quite concerned. It had nothing to do with sexism or "alt right" anything since he was a leftist, but in spite of that, a good doctor.
Right. I got a little PO'ed reading the post because:
2) You need a new doc. He sounds like one of those sexist alt-righters who tell women to have babies asap before their "ovaries dry up". What a rude POS.
I have never known or heard of an ob-gyn being sexist. That would be an oxymoron.
FYI, women who give birth over 40 risk a whole host of complications; for example, giving birth to a child with downs syndrome is much more prevalent, many other birth defects show up in babies birthed to women over 40, there is a chance of excessive bleeding, and the list goes on... . It is known that a woman who has never gone through a pregnancy, and her first one is at the age of 40 or older has a high risk of complications.
I was 40 when my son was born and my doctor was quite concerned. It had nothing to do with sexism or "alt right" anything since he was a leftist, but in spite of that, a good doctor.
It's not a phobia. Pregnancy and childbirth is the most difficult and dangerous "normalized" medical procedure we have in modern society. It is stupid that we haven't made significant progress on an alternative like artificial wombs. Pay some other woman to take the risk, instead.
Be a man and protect your woman. Work harder and / or longer and make enough money to hire a surrogate if you really want kids.
Don't be a weasel and try to pressure your woman into pregnancy through therapy or some other bs because you can't or don't want to pay for a surrogate. Women aren't stupid. Your wife will always look down on you as less of a man because you took the easy route and pushed the burden on her, even if it never comes out in so many words.
Adoption is also an option, but it takes a special kind of parent to raise a.child that's not your blood.
A woman so terrified of getting a simple shot, and who is enormously fearful of pain, is going to have problems with being a mother. Your wife needed to get therapy for this years ago.
You will have to decide how to prioritize your desire to have children. If that desire trumps everything, then you will have to decide how you will achieve this, with or without your wife.
With your wife, surrogacy might be the answer, but it will be dicey and expensive.
Consider freezing your sperm for future use, in any event.
I agree that your wife might not really want to have children. But it sounds as if she has severe pain phobias which could affect how she might parent, if she did.
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