Wife is terrified of pregnancy (medicine, methods, fertility, womb)
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Everyone has different pain thresholds. What may feel like a little bit of pain for you, is extremely painful for another. I don't lose my ish for a whole day after getting a shot, but I sure as hell get really anxious before getting one - I'll still flinch away - they are very painful for me, while others say, "Oh, it's nothing". No, it's not "nothing".
OP may not get his own kid, but he can adopt if he wants to be a dad so badly - have you thought about that, OP?
My wife and I have been talking on and off for the past two years about trying to have a child. One of our major issues is that she is legitimately terrified of going through a pregnancy. Specifically, she's afraid of the pain of labor and carrying the child. I think this stems from the fact that she is terrified of pain in general, is unable to take injections or shots for example without significant preparation. She was required to a shot for her job awhile back and the trauma of that injection lasted for an entire day, full-blown crying non-stop.
We haven't tried to conceive yet, but we are getting older approaching our 40's and I'm starting to get worried. Just recently when talks had been going well and I thought everything was looking up, she had a complete "breakdown" and cried all day saying she can't do it. Obviously, I would never force her to get pregnant, but I'd be lying if I said not being able to be a father brings me such pain and sadness that I'm not sure how to deal with it. Adoption is a possibility but I've looked into it briefly and it does not seem like a very successful route for many people. There are no children in my extended family, and I was kind of the "last hope" to have children and now that future is slipping away from me. My wife's doctor has also been warning her that she needs to have children ASAP due to her age, so there is a lot of pressure from family and other sources which doesn't help.
I guess I'm looking for advice or encouragement from anyone who had a fear of pregnancy and overcame it, or powered through it, and how you managed to do it. Thank you.
She can just get a c section. Why does she think she has to have the baby natural?! And there's no pain during the pregnancy haha
I agree. I understand how she feels, because I was absolutely terrified of pregnancy and childbirth, but I wanted a baby badly enough to get pregnant and go through it. And I would have done so again if I'd had the chance.
(As it turned out, the thing I feared most--labor--never happened. I went in for a fetal non-stress test when I was a week late, and they decided to do a C-section. Of course, that hurt like all hell afterward. But I had a beautiful baby.)
So, make sure the underlying problem isn't that deep-down, she really doesn't want children.
Why did it hurt after?!? I never had a issue. I had 2 c section!
Since no one has mentioned it here yet, your wife's symptoms appear to align closely to a genuine condition called tokophobia, which is a pathological anxiety or fear around pregnancy and childbirth. There are therapists who specialize in this specific phobia if she is open to seeking treatment.
Broadly speaking, there are legitimate reasons for a woman to be afraid of pregnancy/childbirth as it is a major bodily undertaking which can totally change a woman's body and lead to significant physical and emotional complications including PPD/PPA. In certain rare cases it can be fatal. Your wife may rightly feel that people/society/you are glossing over these substantial risks. A qualified professional can help identify her valid and rational concerns and separate them from the ones which may be less so.
Finally, as others here mentioned already, there are other ways to have a family which don't involve childbirth.
Crying all day because of a shot is not normal. I wouldn't push her, I think she may need to see a shrink. I'm not going to lie, childbirth is really painful (for me anyway).
Seeking treatment for specific phobia should be the priority, vs. pregnancy.
Becoming a parent is a huge adjustment, even moreso the later it is taken on. And it's much better to have mental health issues tended to as much as possible before going down that path. Once psychologically stable, then worry about pregnancy, otherwise it's putting the cart before the horse.
Last edited by TabulaRasa; 05-11-2020 at 07:14 PM..
She can just get a c section. Why does she think she has to have the baby natural?! And there's no pain during the pregnancy haha
Sure there is. In the course of each of my pregnancies, I had acid reflux, round ligament pain and pelvic pain. There's plenty of pain during pregnancy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilLisa83
Why did it hurt after?!? I never had a issue. I had 2 c section!
Major abdominal surgery is not pain-free. I had one vaginal birth and one c-section. Both had painful recovery. Clearly manageable, given that I elected to do it 2x. But pain - free? Hardly.
My wife and I have been talking on and off for the past two years about trying to have a child. One of our major issues is that she is legitimately terrified of going through a pregnancy. Specifically, she's afraid of the pain of labor and carrying the child. I think this stems from the fact that she is terrified of pain in general, is unable to take injections or shots for example without significant preparation. She was required to a shot for her job awhile back and the trauma of that injection lasted for an entire day, full-blown crying non-stop.
We haven't tried to conceive yet, but we are getting older approaching our 40's and I'm starting to get worried. Just recently when talks had been going well and I thought everything was looking up, she had a complete "breakdown" and cried all day saying she can't do it. Obviously, I would never force her to get pregnant, but I'd be lying if I said not being able to be a father brings me such pain and sadness that I'm not sure how to deal with it. Adoption is a possibility but I've looked into it briefly and it does not seem like a very successful route for many people. There are no children in my extended family, and I was kind of the "last hope" to have children and now that future is slipping away from me. My wife's doctor has also been warning her that she needs to have children ASAP due to her age, so there is a lot of pressure from family and other sources which doesn't help.
I guess I'm looking for advice or encouragement from anyone who had a fear of pregnancy and overcame it, or powered through it, and how you managed to do it. Thank you.
If it's off the table there's definitely an option to adopt a kid too.
OP, you're both between a rock and a hard place. I understand that you want children, but also understand that you just "get" a child out of this. She is the one who has to go through all the pain and risk and trouble. It's not always an easy decision to make or risk to take. And there's no going back; if she gets pregnant and then realizes she can't handle it... too bad; she has to see it through.
As others have pointed out, there's no compromise when it comes to having children. Either you do, or you don't. And then someone is unhappy either way. So, yes, if adoption and surrogacy are off the table, then it is time to decide what you want in your life more-- your marriage, or potential children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilLisa83
Why did it hurt after?!? I never had a issue. I had 2 c section!
Because it's major surgery during which they cut through multiple layers of tissue and muscle. Hooray for you that you had a good experience, but that doesn't mean it's everyone's experience or even necessarily a typical experience.
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