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I don't talk to a lot of family members. If they want to blow off phone calls I'm not going to bother. Some won't return calls at all and others won't call back for weeks at a time. Hard to have much of a relationship and I'm not buying that anyone is that busy. Many of these same ones also don't like to talk about anything but my salary so that's another reason.
A family system that communicates with each other is healthier than a family system that avoids. I no longer stop speaking to people because I've discovered that in the long run it creates more complicated problems for the family as a whole than it solves discomfort for me.
But you are a long way from having to make decisions about this at the moment. You have shock and anger and probably other miserable feelings to deal with first. It's a world-view shaker, for sure, and everyone will need to adjust.
Why not let the passage of time and the direction of future events help you make your decisions? You want to be able to bring your best self to the family problem solving. Then you'll know what part you want to play.
I haven't spoken to a brother since 2014. I'm not sorry, either.
Same here. When our mom died he treated us all like total crap. She died in Dec,. 2014 and he has never let us even look at the Trust she set up for us. He just took over everything. The rest of us didn't want a fight and let him have it. Even our cousins cut him off it's that bad. I had been living on Mom's property and took care of her for six years, till she died, so none of the other sibs had to. They never appreciated that fact, rarely ever went to see her or even called. My mom died at home but I didn't go to her house the last 24 hours. When I did I was asked "Where have YOU been the last 24 hours?" All I could say is "Where have YOU been for the last six years?". And walked out. We haven't spoken since Mom's funeral.
Yes. Almost all of DH's Seventh Day Adventist family (including his sister and SDA pastor brother in law). Another SIL (on the edge of being normal in the family) keeps waffling back an d forth as to whether she's SDA, re-babtizing. Keeps us confused. One year she's wearing jewelry and makeup, will drink alcohol and caffeine, the next year she won't.
Five years ago, at father-in-law's funeral, SIL number two was pretty cool. Stayed with MIL (her mother, and requested coffee, meat, and alcohol). I spent time with her every day. That year she was cool. Don't know if she has been back in the fold since, wait and see.
We don't speak to Mr. and Mrs. Clergy. At all. Biggest bunch of hypocrites I've never seen. They made a lot of comments about my oldest DD's handling of the family business. As if she'd want them involved in it, or with her.
DH had a heart attack two years ago. He spoke to his mother, whom he had to get through his sister and brother in law first. I refused to speak to any of them, and still do.
Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 09-02-2019 at 02:08 PM..
Yes. I posted a thread a few years back about my brother. If anything, it’s gotten worse since then. He’s very egotistical and cares about only about money, power, etc. I wouldn’t go so far as to say he is a sociopath, but he is very hypo-emotional and narcissistic. I haven’t had anything to do with him for the past few years besides mandatory sorts of gatherings. He and his girlfriend are expecting a baby in October and I feel like I need to at least say I made an effort to mend things, just because I don’t want to not have a relationship with a nephew because of personality differences with my brother. But at the end of the day I just can’t stand to be around him. I wish I could be in a place where we can be civil around each other. But I don’t want anything more than that.
Well, he's in prison right now, so you have some time to think about how much contact you want with him going forward. As it doesn't sound like he's directed his misdeeds at you or his family, it might be that firm boundaries (e.g. I won't talk or spend time with you if you're intoxicated, I won't be helping you financially, etc.) might make more sense than cutting him out altogether. You're not obliged to continue contact with him, especially if it's hurtful for you, but appropriate relationships can help addicts in recovery. It might be good for both of you to send him letters periodically or something like that, some low-pressure positive sort of communication.
It's been 3 years since my brother and I spoke. Only sibling. We're in our 30's. He's 7 years older, and have never been close. In the past I thought it was because of the age difference. The older I got I realized it's more than an age difference, we are two very different people. He got married, had 2 boys. I got married, and have no children. We made an effort over the years, would go to sporting events together, or movies, etc.
3 years ago him and his wife separated, eventually got divorced. She was tired of his drinking, and accused him of cheating and drug use. Anytime I would ask him about it, he would lie and deny everything. Guess you could say he was a pathological liar. He was still working full time, and trying to hold his life together, but you could tell something was wrong. One day he never came home. At this point things went from bad to worse.....he was in jail. Broke into a house, and the owners family came home right then. They chased him through the woods to his car, gave his description to the police, who eventually arrested him. It was shocking. Nobody in my family ever committed a crime, let alone went to jail. My grandparents would cry if they were alive to see what he turned into. Detectives interviewed us, I was still in disbelief. I knew he wasn't perfect, but didn't think he'd commit crime.
Fast forward 2 months. It got 100 times worse. We found out he was involved in other things, ended up going to prison. I've never been someone that suffered from anxiety, this situation caused a tremendous amount however. Thinking about his kids. The overall shame of being in public, and someone possibly mistaking me for him. I really don't want to talk to him again. It's hard though, I feel guilt, because we're still family, and there's a small part of me that thinks of the few good times we had as kids. Feels almost like having a family member die, and I think his kids experienced that feeling too.
Then don't.
You write that you've never been close, but you feel guilty as he's your brother and you remember a few good time as kids.
You also write that he's a pathological liar, a thief, and who knows what all.
While he may indeed benefit from a renewed relationship with you, it is difficult to see the plus side of this for you. And there are a plenty of potential downsides.
For example, one of these days he's going to get out of prison/halfway house. Are you up for having him live with you, or even visiting? If not, how does that work if you've reestablished contact? Will you be visiting him in prison? Putting funds in his commissary account? ...
If you're up for that, hallelujah. He may have seen the error of his ways and is now determined to stay on the straight and narrow and you can help him with that by being the one person in his life who stands by him.
But if not, what's the point?
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