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Interesting. Yes, we do teach people how to treat us. I just find it awkward when someone sees your energy bar (or whatever other item you have that they forgot), asks if you'll share and there's a bunch of others standing around watching. If you say "no, I only brought enough for me", you look like a jerk. Others may not be aware that you've provided 5 energy bars for this woman in the last 5 weeks. So if you point that out and say "no I've given you 5 energy bars and you have not reciprocated", you also look bad. Everyone feels awkward and then talks about how rude you were to embarrass the person who didn't come prepared. It's a no win situation.
It's hard to separate yourself from these people when you are on a sports team with them, or you enjoy the company of their significant other. Everyone on my tennis team knows that I always come prepared. Most never need anything from anyone else because they also come prepared. Fortunately, my tennis freeloader friend does not play tennis anymore. Our current freeloader friend frequently golfs with my husband and her significant other. But whatever snack my husband takes with him, she will see it and ask if he'll split it with her. Bizarre....... Or she'll ask if he has money to buy her a soft drink because she didn't bring any money.
It is a ridiculous situation. I don't mind sharing or loaning occasionally. But it amazes me how the free loaders manage to make you look like a bad person if you refuse and there are others around to observe. No good deed goes unpunished.
Good your freeloader doesn't play tennis anymore. You worried too much about what other people would think of you if you told her no.
So why even start the thread when you KNEW what people would say and you had NO INTENTION of dumping the freeloader?
Good your freeloader doesn't play tennis anymore. You worried too much about what other people would think of you if you told her no.
So why even start the thread when you KNEW what people would say and you had NO INTENTION of dumping the freeloader?
A bit of venting....... Also, I thought I may get some ideas on what to say to the freeloader to make her stop. Also, I thought someone may give some insight into my questions of "How do people get that way? Why aren't they embarrassed?" .
You can often learn different perspectives in anonymous online forums.
You say that these friends "borrow". Was it really presented as a request for a loan? (I would not want the power bar back after my friend was done with it....)
One approach would be, after the first "loan", meet subsequent requests with the reminder that Sorry, she still hasn't returned or paid you back for the last item she borrowed.
Or just say, in your best Spanish accent, "Borrow? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
I know a woman who throws parties and asks her guests to bring food, bring their own tables, chairs and beer and wine. Everything is "bring your own..." She can't provide anything for her own party. This is an adult woman. I find it somewhat off-putting so I stopped going to her parties.
This one's less clear. IF her invitations make it clear that it is a collaborative potluck and everyone knows they will be contributing something for the enjoyment of the group, what's wrong with that? She is providing what might be a nice, free location (and a kitchen, access to bathrooms and water). If she invited guests but didn't define the terms and then got huffy when nothing was provided to eat or drink, that would be a different situation. People would soon stop coming.
You say that these friends "borrow". Was it really presented as a request for a loan? (I would not want the power bar back after my friend was done with it....)
One approach would be, after the first "loan", meet subsequent requests with the reminder that Sorry, she still hasn't returned or paid you back for the last item she borrowed.
Or just say, in your best Spanish accent, "Borrow? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Right. OP, in the group situation you described, you could have made a joke out of it, saying, "Girl, you already owe me 5 energy bars from the last few weeks, and excuse me, but I'm starved right now. How about next week, you bring two: one for yourself, and one for me?" The person who'd be mortified won't be you, in that scenario. I think that friend was manipulative; she knew you wouldn't turn her down in front of a group. She knew exactly what she was doing, IMO.
As to your husband, he could do the same; remind her that she has a backlog of "loans" to repay, and the bank is closing her account temporarily.
Her m.o. seems to be, to deliberately put people on the spot in front of a group. She assumes people won't have the nerve to refuse her. The best response would be to turn the tables on her, putting her on the spot, and calling her bluff. She's gotten away with it for so long, she'll be speechless, when someone calls her out in front of the group.
A bit of venting....... Also, I thought I may get some ideas on what to say to the freeloader to make her stop. Also, I thought someone may give some insight into my questions of "How do people get that way? Why aren't they embarrassed?" .
You can often learn different perspectives in anonymous online forums.
The mindset is of a user. Users don't feel embarrassed about using and taking advantage of others, because it is how their minds work. I think a lot of them get that way by being spoiled and babied from a young age, some just have narcissistic or selfish mindset, some identify as being the spacey, disorganized one and go with it, some simply like the feeling of being a beneficiary, and some are probably just lazy and entitled.
Unfortunately there are A LOT of people like this, operating at different levels, some less obvious and very manipulative so you don't even know what happened. It doesn't matter why they do it, but the way to handle them is the one word "No", just, No.
There's an evaluation to be made. Bringing an extra towel and bottle of water isn't exactly a huge sacrifice, if they are otherwise a great friend. As for myself, growing up in a rural small town, the reality was simple. If you wanted to field a full baseball team, sometimes you had to figure out a way to play with the stinky kid.
Personally, I love flawed friends. It makes me more comfortable that I can be real with them. It's the hosts that are always gracious, perfectly prepared and always ready that make me uneasy. I'm a flawed friend. I tend to overbook, run late and I can't always be ON. Yet in the moments of weakness and in seeking advice on choices to be made, I tend to stay busy. It's in those moments of real where I find friendships really cement.
Sometimes you can't help at all. Sometimes merely pointing out a corrective behavior you expect was learned is enough. Sometimes, you find out Dad's a violent drunk who ripped apart a bathroom months ago and left, leaving the family to wash out of the sink as there's no money for repairs, but between the team's dads is everything needed to make the situation better.
Some would call it actually caring about your friends and not treating them as defective paid service companions.
Right. OP, in the group situation you described, you could have made a joke out of it, saying, "Girl, you already owe me 5 energy bars from the last few weeks, and excuse me, but I'm starved right now. How about next week, you bring two: one for yourself, and one for me?" The person who'd be mortified won't be you, in that scenario. I think that friend was manipulative; she knew you wouldn't turn her down in front of a group. She knew exactly what she was doing, IMO.
As to your husband, he could do the same; remind her that she has a backlog of "loans" to repay, and the bank is closing her account temporarily.
Her m.o. seems to be, to deliberately put people on the spot in front of a group. She assumes people won't have the nerve to refuse her. The best response would be to turn the tables on her, putting her on the spot, and calling her bluff. She's gotten away with it for so long, she'll be speechless, when someone calls her out in front of the group.
To be honest, I probably would have given her a reusable water bottle and towel to make a point. “Oh, I noticed you don’t seem to have your own water or towel. I took the liberty of picking these up for you at the Target/Walmart/[insert other store here] just a mile down the road from the court. Now you will have your own water and towel every time we play! Oh, and by the way, I’m no longer going to be using disposable water bottles, so if you forget this one, I’m afraid I won’t have any extra.”
Let me add: ... because it is not a friendship.
Friends don’t use each other.
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Just to play devil's advocate
