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I’ve been married for over 15 years and have 4 beautiful children. My husband was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1 in 2007 and again in 2021, ever since then we have been dealing with yearly manic episodes which are
Devastating to watch. He refuses to seek help or get medicated properly and his family has been enabling his behaviour and putting the blame on me. They are in denial of his condition.
He recently told me that he’s been having an affair and that the women is pregnant with his child.
I’m speechless and saddened by his actions. I’ve asked for divorce but i am torn between the man I knew before and the man he is now. I know this is caused by his bipolar condition and i wanted him to choose his family instead of chasing the highs of mania and see that I wasn’t his enemy but ally in fighting this battle. Guess apart of me wants to keep helping him even at my own expense, this whole ordeal has caused me anxiety and panic attacks but the other part is telling me to give up. How can I help someone who doesn’t want to help himself.
I guess my question is has anyone divorced a spouse dealing with mental health issues and how did it play out for you .
You can't help someone who does not want help. My mom tried for years with my dad. He had mental Illness as well. It wasn't until the end of his life that he started taking medication for his issues. He always blamed everything that was wrong with him on my mom. She did end up staying with him even though their marriage was not great. Ultimately he died of pancreatic cancer at age 57 in 2004 and when he was dying my mom made peace with him. He told her he was sorry for not being a good husband and for all the fights they had. She forgave him but that's not easy to do. I am not sure how old your husband is and your kids but maybe you should go for counseling and talk to the therapist about your situation and see if they can offer any help. His family is in denial and blaming everything on you which is not fair. My husband is Bi-polar 2 we have no kids but he's had his ups and downs as well. Fortunately he sought help and went to a therapist and he's on 3 different meds for his condition and he's doing well. The first step is admitting you have an issue then the next step is getting help. It's not easy living with someone who is mentally ill but it can be manageable if the person wants to get help. As for the affair I don't know whether to believe him or not. Did you tell his family about the affair? They probably think it's BS and will blame you for him having an affair. I suggest seeking a therapist first. Good luck and I am sorry you are going through this.
As already suggested, you cannot force someone to acknowledge what they don't want to acknowledge or to accept help they don't want. The man you used to know is gone. Of course you will mourn that person, it's a big loss.
Look at this another way. If you follow through and pursue divorce it just might be the best thing to happen to all of you. Losing his life partner (and possibly those kids) might make a dent and finally turn him around. Or not. Ultimately, that's his call to make. Yours is to face reality, answer the question you've been struggling over, and learn to take care of yourself and by doing that, those kids. If you disable yourself, you won't be in any position to care for anyone else. You've given it a fair try. Maybe it's time to stop. I find myself saying this quite often: sometimes the best thing to do about an unsafe leaky boat is to let it sink once and for all.
If you post this under the Relationships subforum you might get useful advice and commiseration from others who've faced what you're facing. All the best to you OP!
Last edited by Parnassia; 02-06-2024 at 02:23 PM..
I guess my question is has anyone divorced a spouse dealing with mental health issues and how did it play out for you .
My ex did. I feel for what you are going through. You deserve better than what you have received. But as the bipolar one in my past relationship (no infidelity on my part though and I actually suspect she is bipolar as well) I feel for his situation, too. Still as others have already said, you cannot help someone who is not trying to help themselves.
If people take their lithium, the manic and depressive episodes are usually kept in check. Trouble is, they don't always take their meds, especially if they're on an upswing. Obviously the person you met is not the person you have w/ you now. So consider that.
People can sometimes, not often, get over being cheated on, but it sounds like at the very least you two need to separate, and maybe you should move to a different city if possible.
I divorced my first wife who had paranoid schizophrenia and borderline personality disorder and also refused all treatment. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, but it ended up being the best thing I ever did for her, despite that she ultimately lost parental rights to our two children and ended up in an institution. She's now living a life she's capable of living, people make sure she takes her meds, and I and the kids (then 14 and 7) were able to move on. Like you, it was after about 15 years of marriage.
Even though my wife had zero interest in the kids post-divorce (when our son died in 2016, her handlers were not even aware she was a mother), it is not like ending the relationship solved all related problems. Our son went on to have mental health issues common with children of schizophrenics, and my daughter has picked up some of Mom's underlying narcissistic tendencies and has at times acted out around that, etc. In your case your husband will actually be functional / contrite at times and so I'd highly recommend competent legal advice around custody issues ... you do not want him to have unsupervised access and then have an "episode". You will have to learn to become a "hard case" in that regard. Whatever pattern you may have had in the past of rationalizing his lapses because at times he's a great guy, you need to break. That doesn't mean he doesn't get any access to his kids, just that you are in control of it and can put conditions on it, such as, taking his meds.
You will probably also need legal help around any efforts of his extended family to assault you legally or help him get more access.
On balance I should have ended the relationship MUCH sooner than I did. A successful marriage requires that both parties be capable of holding up their end of the bargain, including mentoring / role modeling / nurturing the children. You have to consider the impact on the kids ... it is not normal to have an unstable parent in the mix. You also have to consider that actions have consequences, and your husband experiencing these consequences is not all bad; it may benefit him (and you and the kids) in the long run.
Not doubting the diagnosis and that it explains some of the behavior, but it does not explain or excuse his morals.
If you value fidelity then that alone might be sufficient grounds to walk away. It would for me. Doesn't mean you don't still love him, only that you aren't going to tolerate the lack of fidelity. It's a choice that some would make, and some would not.
I have had two relatives with the same disorder, that did not extend to morals. But they became insufferable and one was abusive, and neither would allow even the mention of help. Neither were ever treated. And both passed away alone and unhappy.
I recall "friends" and their reaction to my divorce. All but one said how sorry they were. The other offered congratulations. It is whet you make it.
Not doubting the diagnosis and that it explains some of the behavior, but it does not explain or excuse his morals.
Yes ^^^ this also.
Some of the most standout advice I've gotten in my life came from a divorce attorney from whom I sought a 2nd opinion when I was agonizing over some aspect or other of the situation. He said, look, your wife is mentally ill ... but she's being a butthole right now and being mentally ill doesn't excuse that. He drew a parallel to aging. We all know elderly people who are cranky, irascible, peevish and bitter. We also know elderly people with more or less the same aches, pains, losses and fears, who are the kindest, sweetest people you can imagine. "I'd like to have an excuse to act however I want, too, but no one has such an excuse and your wife is no exception."
As I hung up the phone, I swear I felt the earth shift under my feet. I looked at things differently after that. I had always considered my role and always excused hers.
I’ve been married for over 15 years and have 4 beautiful children. My husband was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1 in 2007 and again in 2021, ever since then we have been dealing with yearly manic episodes which are
Devastating to watch. He refuses to seek help or get medicated properly and his family has been enabling his behaviour and putting the blame on me. They are in denial of his condition.
He recently told me that he’s been having an affair and that the women is pregnant with his child.
I’m speechless and saddened by his actions. I’ve asked for divorce but i am torn between the man I knew before and the man he is now. I know this is caused by his bipolar condition and i wanted him to choose his family instead of chasing the highs of mania and see that I wasn’t his enemy but ally in fighting this battle. Guess apart of me wants to keep helping him even at my own expense, this whole ordeal has caused me anxiety and panic attacks but the other part is telling me to give up. How can I help someone who doesn’t want to help himself.
I guess my question is has anyone divorced a spouse dealing with mental health issues and how did it play out for you .
I would help and support my spouse with and through mental health issues if he sought professional help and worked toward improving his mental health.
But, if he cheated, I'd be gone.
OP, your husband is a liar and cheater. THAT is the man he is now.
I’ve been married for over 15 years and have 4 beautiful children. My husband was recently diagnosed with bipolar 1 in 2007 and again in 2021, ever since then we have been dealing with yearly manic episodes which are
Devastating to watch. He refuses to seek help or get medicated properly and his family has been enabling his behaviour and putting the blame on me. They are in denial of his condition.
He recently told me that he’s been having an affair and that the women is pregnant with his child.
I’m speechless and saddened by his actions. I’ve asked for divorce but i am torn between the man I knew before and the man he is now. I know this is caused by his bipolar condition and i wanted him to choose his family instead of chasing the highs of mania and see that I wasn’t his enemy but ally in fighting this battle. Guess apart of me wants to keep helping him even at my own expense, this whole ordeal has caused me anxiety and panic attacks but the other part is telling me to give up. How can I help someone who doesn’t want to help himself.
I guess my question is has anyone divorced a spouse dealing with mental health issues and how did it play out for you .
You cannot help a person who doesn't want your help. However, you can help yourself. Please check into finding a therapist who will help you to move forward because you are more worth happiness than you seem to realize. Even if you care absolutely nothing about yourself, you still have those "4 beautiful children" to care for. Are they happy with Dad's manic escapades and bizarre behavior? Who's going to tell them about their new half sibling? Who's going to tell them that that Daddy has betrayed them and you?
Get out of there as soon as possible. If Hubby's family are such aces at dealing with bipolar disorder, I suggest you let them. Why deprive them of the fulfillment they'll get when they cure your hubby by the shear force of their collective denial alone?
Seriously. This is a situation that will only get worse. Get out and don't look back.
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