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I don't know if I have infertility but I do have a health issue that can affect fertility. As I've gotten older, it seems to me that people can be very rude, uncaring, or don't care to understand the struggles women with infertility or endocrine disorders have. I'm also married and constantly get the "why don't you have kids yet" and sometimes don't know what to tell people. It would be rude to say "none of your business" and when I try to explain what's going on, I get vacant expressions and "I don't care about your issue" looks. Once I get past 10 seconds people immediately go deaf.
There are women with endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, pcos, or fibroids and experience similar struggles. From what I can tell, often what they encounter are people who aren't educated on the disease/condition, or they just don't care. The impression I get from people is if you can't explain it in a easy answer, they don't want to hear about it...but they sure do like asking!
For years I have been trying to figure out how to answer the question "why don't you have kids yet?" without taking it as malicious, interpreting it as rude, or taking it personally. I don't need people to know what my health issues are but I would like some consideration when I say, "My husband and I are working on that." I guess I have to learn to get over myself?
I'm sorry for your dilemma I had this same problem for many many years, and put up with this all the time.
Yes people are very insensitive when it comes to infertility. That and partly they just don't know how to handle the enormous pain involved. They are expecting you to say that you just aren't ready yet and then tell them when you are planning to have your first. I know that is not possible, but most people don't understand.
My best advice would be to develop a short informative sentence, like:
"We have run into some complicated medical problems, we hope it resolves soon but it might take a lot longer. Thanks for asking, keep a good thought and a prayer for us."
Then change the subject to something about them, people love to talk about themselves.
I've asked that before when I was questioned about the amount of medial appointments I had. The response I received was something along the lines of "that's kinda weird, I've never heard of that before, are you sure?" I've talked to other women who feel like they have to hide their health issues or be secretive about it, or feel as if they owe others an explanation.
I know, you are very raw and feel vulnerable, I did. But the more you practice a short answer and change the subject the more comfortable you will feel. You will be in charge and they will feel it.
People are just awkward and don't know how to handle it, believe me I know.
If you are at all religious, give a religious answer, something like "We want kids, but the Lord doesn't think it's our time yet." That shuts people up because the nonreligious ones just don't know what to say, and the religious ones don't want to be questioning God's plans.
I think a lot of women get oversensitive when they're having fertility issues. An example...my sister has been trying to have a baby for a couple of years. I told her I had a precancerous growth in my uterus and she wanted to know what the treatment was. I told her they'd try medication, then an ablation, and a hysterectomy was a last resort, but I was already done with my uterus so if it had to come out, it wasn't the end of the world. She got mad at me for "being insensitive and bragging that I already had kids", then she called my mom and had her chew me out for being insensitive too.
Women get sensitive because people aren't very understanding. As I said, a lot of women feel this need to hide their medical issues so there really isn't a way to openly talk about things. If more women were open about these things than other women struggling to get pregnant wouldn't find phrases like "it's not the end of the world" to be offensive. What offended her was you said you were "done with your uterus" while she's struggling to get pregnant. I think it's appropriate to be blunt about things but to keep in mind who you are speaking to.
I for one, am sensitive about it because people have treated me as if I am less than human for not having a child, or act like I'm an idiot for not getting my life together.
People can only treat you that way if you let them. You need to come up with a response you can give every time which doesn't allow for questions. I think you're feeling like you have to explain to people when really you don't.
As far as being insensitive to my sister, I went through the same things she's going through, the miscarriages, the stress, all the emotions that go with it. I just did it more than a decade ago, got my issues figured out, had my children and had my tubes tied. I was actually telling her I was glad it was me and not her, because I was already done having kids and most of the treatment options for my condition would make having a baby impossible.
People can only treat you that way if you let them. You need to come up with a response you can give every time which doesn't allow for questions. I think you're feeling like you have to explain to people when really you don't.
As far as being insensitive to my sister, I went through the same things she's going through, the miscarriages, the stress, all the emotions that go with it. I just did it more than a decade ago, got my issues figured out, had my children and had my tubes tied. I was actually telling her I was glad it was me and not her, because I was already done having kids and most of the treatment options for my condition would make having a baby impossible.
Well you hit the button there. If I don't need to explain, why do I keep getting the same questions over and over? When I respond with a short, but polite answer why do people keep insisting with more questions?
I don't want to have to explain all my blood tests, exams, dietary requirements, physical symptoms, etc. For one, people don't really care. Second, it's none of their business. I have no idea how to say it's none of your business that doesn't allow for questions or make me appear as rude.
From what other women have told me, there isn't a way. One woman I talked to who had endometriosis received a lot of heat for having a hysterectomy even though she couldn't have kids and the pain was debilitating.
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