Grieving loss of person still alive

[DJKB]

Originally Posted by saibot

I appreciate the people here who have expressed sympathy and understanding and offered suggestions for working through this. Looking up "ambiguous grief" from the post above this one was very helpful, as was another term I found while on that search--"disenfranchised grief," which means grief that is not seen as socially acceptable for one reason or another.

I'm glad my post was helpful. I like to think that my ex-boyfriend's parents are mourning the loss of me also as we were quite close. He told them to not have any contact with me either.
My friend (who's a psychiatrist) said that you have to build up scar tissue over the wound and that's what helps it to feel better. And only time and distance can do that.

[Tzaphkiel]

i think it is very sweet to miss this person. And it is perfectly reasonable to feel the loss of someone you had a great deal of affection for.

my view is that it is harder and made more difficult when you don't have the support and approval and understanding of people around you to help you cope with the grief. if it is an "unconventional" relationship or seen somehow as "not appropriate" then you may feel criticized, on top of feeling the sadness from losing this person and missing them. a person may feel it's "not acceptable" or that their loyalty and attachment should be elsewhere.

I remember a lady i worked with, and her brother was with his girlfriend and then wife. Then they broke up and got divorced. My friend flat out admitted she liked the wife better than she liked her brother and she was very angry with her brother for not treating the woman better, and she was angry that her brother caused the loss. So she was dealing with the loss of the sister-in-law, and the fractured relationship with her brother. She was a mess for quite some time. Even years later, when she was telling me about this, she still had very strong feelings about it.


it is not likely you'll be able to continue the relationship with the young man you describe which is sad. you kind of have to be there for your own daughter to offer support because that's where your loyalties are. But it's still normal and reasonable to grieve the loss of the young man.

there have been times as my children grow up, and gone through all the different ages, teenagers, single young men, adults, married, becoming fathers themself. I am acutely aware of missing my own kids from the ages they were at different times. They are a very different person at age 32, then the person they were at age 14. And sometimes frankly i miss having the person around who was this age, or that age, or that age. That to me feels like a loss. There are times and ages where frankly i'm not thrilled with who they are, and I liked them better when they were well the person they were at a different time. of course they are still my kids even though they are now adults. But I also feel the loss of who they used to be. That person is gone from my life.


There is nothing wrong with carrying him in your heart. If you feel affinity or closeness or love or affection for him, those are your feelings that belong to you and you can carry those precious warm feelings with you for as many years as decades as you would like to. Not because of still being attached to your daughter's ex-boyfriend. But because of the warmth and feelings that were evoked in you.

I am turning 65 next month and i still carry in my heart (this is going to sound silly and that's OK, I'm fine with that) the warm feelings and joy and happiness and still a remarkable intensity of feeling for a boy i was friends with in 3rd grade, so this would have been when we were age 8 or 9 years old. Our moms were friends for a few years (until their family moved away) so when they got together to chat and visit, the boy and i got to play together. This was only for a few years and of course we went off and lived our lives but he has always stayed in my heart. I feel like it is something wonderful that I have these very sweet strong feelings. If someone evokes strong loving feelings, then that can only be a good thing and there is nothing wrong with holding on to that.

dont feel like you have to get over it, is what I'm saying. nurturing happy feelings, there's nothing wrong with that in my view. No one has to know about it and you certainly don't need anyone's approval. If it is uplifting then i would say treasure it.

[saibot]

Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel

dont feel like you have to get over it, is what I'm saying. nurturing happy feelings, there's nothing wrong with that in my view. No one has to know about it and you certainly don't need anyone's approval. If it is uplifting then i would say treasure it.

Your whole post helped and comforted me so much, especially this. About all I have heard in real life is "You need to get over it." and "Move on and let him go" and "He wasn't yours,." Which of course is all true, but i still feel how I feel and the hardest thing is that I have no one to express any feelings to.

My favorite sister died six years ago. She was 19 years older than me, so what with being in completely different life stages and then living in different states, it was many years before we figured out how much we had in common and enjoyed each other's company, so we ended up having very very little time together. One of the best times of my life, believe it or not, was the week after I had a double mastectomy, because she came to stay with me and help. I probably had the fastest recovery known to medical science, because I was so happy she was here, I didn't want to waste a single minute lying in bed. I was out hiking in two days.

Of course I'm not actively grieving her anymore; life does have a way of moving on. But when something reminds me of her and I say to my family, "I wish Rebecca were still here. Wouldn't she have loved this?", everyone understands and agrees and says they miss her too, and that support helps.

I'm not going to be able to say, "Putting up all these outside Christmas decorations reminds me so much of Michael. He was such a great help, and wasn't it more fun when he was here? I sure miss him."

Writing things down will probably help me although I will have to be careful that no one stumbles across them. I don't have a snoopy family but no one knows what will happen to them someday, and then their family goes through their things. And the thought that it's okay to carry these feelings in my heart as long as I need to, maybe forever, is very comforting. As you said, no one has to know and I think it is much better than constantly telling myself, "You shouldn't feel this way!"

[BOS2IAD]

I just came across this thread. Oh, yes, I do understand grieving the loss of a person who is still alive. When our daughter estranged herself from us without any warning, we were both shocked. It was even harder on her 3 kids as she doesn't even contact them---not even on their birthdays. I know it's been hard for them when others ask where their mother is. They put on a brave face but, still when pressed by their Dad, they sometimes still cry about the whole situation.

How do I get by? I admit, not a day goes by when she's not in my thoughts. When we discuss memories of her, we chose to remember the good times when she was little. It may sound strange but I don't cry about it because I feel that if I did cry, I wouldn't be able to stop.

The best thing to do is to just move forward. I think you're doing that, OP. You think about him but at the same time, he isn't totally consuming your thoughts. Your heart is broken, I'm guessing. Mine is also. However, I just keep moving on and making an effort to do things I enjoy. I know we'll never be able to make any peace with our daughter as we found out from our grandkids how they got treated by her after she left her husband and brought in a new boyfriend.

If you run into your daughter's ex, I see nothing wrong in engaging him in light conversation without mentioning the break up. You can even tell him that you wish him well going forward.

Keep in mind that we all grieve differently. So, please don't be hard on yourself.