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Yes, I fully understand you there. It really hurts to watch your mother suffer.
My mother wasn't in her right mind the last month of her life after having had her seizures. She had no clue why she was in the hospital - she just said "she just ends up there somehow."
A week before she was to be released, she got sepsis all of sudden. It only took 2-3 days to kill her. She didn't suffer that much apart until the day the she died. It was only the last day of her life that she had sepsis shock. But they had her on a ventilator the last 5 hours of her life, and she was completely unconscious. When I went to tell her good-bye at 3-4 pm in the afternoon, she was fully awake and moving around, but her mind was more or less gone. She held out her hand and touched me. I touched her forehead, and then she motioned for Dad and me to leave. Somehow, she seemed to have known something, despite not being in her right mind. I waved to her and that was the last time I saw her. Her eyes were bulging out and she had very clammy skin, as she was hypothermic from the sepsis shock (not a fever like many get). I never felt so helpless in my life. I knew she was dying, and that I wouldn't see her again, even though they said there was a small chance she could pull through. At 7:45 pm or, she had a massive brain bleed. They told us she was actively dying. My father went to the hospital to be with her when they took the ventilator off. She died 3 hours later. I couldn't go in to be with her, as I had had enough. I couldn't bare to see her lifeless body.
No matter what, my mother's life was over, more or less, when she had her stroke about 2 years earlier. Then, she developed seizures, which made her mind even worse. She couldn't get better, so the sepsis was a blessing in the end. We were not going to be able to care for her much longer, considering how she was before she had the seizures, let alone after them (her mind was so bad). At any rate, her suffering is way over now. May she rest in peace.
Riaelise, please know that I feel what you feel. It's terrible. It just seems unreal that all of this happened to us. So sorry... But brighter days will come somehow.
My daughter just sent me this. It came from a post on reddit, but the link doesn't work for me, so I don't have an author. But it is profound.
I love that.
My husband has an aunt who lost both her husband and one of her sons, which I think is horrible. But she's such a beautiful person that I swear I didn't really even think about how much grief her life has held during my husband's funeral. I was just glad she was there. Anyway, she told me something also profound and about waves. She said, "Right now, you are at high tide so to speak. And the waves will always come but the tide will go out. It's never going to be worse than it is today." And she was right.
I'd just like to share that if you are in reasonably good health, many would love to keep on living.
I honestly don't think my mom if she had lived to be 85 would say "You know, I'm old enough, it's time". As she said upon receiving her dreaded cancer diagnosis - "I still have so much I'd like to do, I'm not done (with life) yet". She was 75, and had done quite a bit with her life. It's more of a testament to the fact that she enjoyed living. She wasn't just alive, she LIVED. When life became just being alive, that was when she resigned herself to death.
If I am in good health, I very much want to live. Being diagnosed with a disease that is almost certain death would definitely change my outlook. Being stripped of all of my being would probably make me desire death as well.
Do I fear death? Yes. Because I want to see my children grow up, want to see my grandchildren, want to continue working in the gardens that I love....so many things I can name that make me not want to leave this earth. For my mom, she also didn't want to leave ME. As a mother myself, I know how she felt.
At the end, I was cleaning up after my mom, making decisions for her, etc.... for a strong independent woman that was almost tantamount to death.
She never told me "I want to die".... but her actions definitely pointed to her belief that life just wasn't worth living anymore if she would be any less than most of herself:/
Yup. When my boyfriend was dying, he said, "My dad lived to be 84. When I met you, I thought I'd at least get that." He died at 71. We used to joke that we would re-evaluate our relationship after 25 years and see if we wanted to continue. He'd be in his 90s and I in my 80s. We got a little less than six years. He was very annoyed and cranky about becoming incapacitated and dying before he thought he should.
I have a friend who is 83 and had a heart attack at 42. She is diabetic and was diagnosed with emphysema at 64. She just keeps chugging along. This week she had surgery to have a small growth in her bladder removed. She won't get the pathology report back for a couple of weeks, but she does not want to die. She keeps busy, she loved her children, grands, and greats, and she even worked last week for early election.
Yup. When my boyfriend was dying, he said, "My dad lived to be 84. When I met you, I thought I'd at least get that." He died at 71. We used to joke that we would re-evaluate our relationship after 25 years and see if we wanted to continue. He'd be in his 90s and I in my 80s. We got a little less than six years. He was very annoyed and cranky about becoming incapacitated and dying before he thought he should.
I have a friend who is 83 and had a heart attack at 42. She is diabetic and was diagnosed with emphysema at 64. She just keeps chugging along. This week she had surgery to have a small growth in her bladder removed. She won't get the pathology report back for a couple of weeks, but she does not want to die. She keeps busy, she loved her children, grands, and greats, and she even worked last week for early election.
Our will to keep going is strong.
My mom thought she was going to live into her 80s like my grandmother...
And when she realized that she wasn't, I can only imagine how she felt.
My mom made it very clear to me that being incapacitated and bedridden was worse than even death.
I guess in a way, the rapid shutdown of her body spared her the agony.
Maybe one day I can see the "good" of a bad thing.
Yes, I fully understand you there. It really hurts to watch your mother suffer.
My mother wasn't in her right mind the last month of her life after having had her seizures. She had no clue why she was in the hospital - she just said "she just ends up there somehow."
A week before she was to be released, she got sepsis all of sudden. It only took 2-3 days to kill her. She didn't suffer that much apart until the day the she died. It was only the last day of her life that she had sepsis shock. But they had her on a ventilator the last 5 hours of her life, and she was completely unconscious. When I went to tell her good-bye at 3-4 pm in the afternoon, she was fully awake and moving around, but her mind was more or less gone. She held out her hand and touched me. I touched her forehead, and then she motioned for Dad and me to leave. Somehow, she seemed to have known something, despite not being in her right mind. I waved to her and that was the last time I saw her. Her eyes were bulging out and she had very clammy skin, as she was hypothermic from the sepsis shock (not a fever like many get). I never felt so helpless in my life. I knew she was dying, and that I wouldn't see her again, even though they said there was a small chance she could pull through. At 7:45 pm or, she had a massive brain bleed. They told us she was actively dying. My father went to the hospital to be with her when they took the ventilator off. She died 3 hours later. I couldn't go in to be with her, as I had had enough. I couldn't bare to see her lifeless body.
No matter what, my mother's life was over, more or less, when she had her stroke about 2 years earlier. Then, she developed seizures, which made her mind even worse. She couldn't get better, so the sepsis was a blessing in the end. We were not going to be able to care for her much longer, considering how she was before she had the seizures, let alone after them (her mind was so bad). At any rate, her suffering is way over now. May she rest in peace.
Riaelise, please know that I feel what you feel. It's terrible. It just seems unreal that all of this happened to us. So sorry... But brighter days will come somehow.
Thanks FD. Glad I have you (and the others here).
That helplessness is just awful.
One day, don't know when, both you and I can move on from how our mothers died.
It's more of acknowledging the suffering our loved ones were undergoing. My husband said something that was very true in that for my mom, her pain was so great that death was in a way a reprieve. When she returned home, she knew that she was going to die and had made peace with that. She didn't tell me that, but her actions (including rejecting supplementary feeding, etc.) let me know that she was tired. Tired of living. Even if she were to survive, she would be bedridden and dependant on others -- the opposite of how she wanted to live. It's just all so tragic...
Like I said, I'm not at that point yet because the loss is still so very great and so very raw... but maybe one day I can say that my mom was liberated from a world full of pain and suffering.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FrancaisDeutsch
I'm sure we will, but we have to feel the terrible pain of loss. We can place no time limit on ourselves.
The only way to heal from grief is through it. You and I are not running way. We face our deep sorrow every day. And that is a good thing.
Take good care of yourself.
Thank you. And you're right. At my grief meeting last night, the moderator asked what we are doing to cope with our grief (i.e. go for a walk, etc.)...I told them that I just ride it out, meaning I let the wave of sadness come over me and I just deal with it for the duration. Sometime it happens in moments, other times it lasts for a good while. It's like you said, the only way to heal is go through it. You can't go around it. The moderator also told me that she's seen a change in me in that I believe there's a hope at the end of this. I guess I believe in the hope of being at peace with my loss because my mother still lived on after the death of her beloved mother. It gives me hope that I can also live with this hole in my heart
It's more of acknowledging the suffering our loved ones were undergoing. My husband said something that was very true in that for my mom, her pain was so great that death was in a way a reprieve. When she returned home, she knew that she was going to die and had made peace with that. She didn't tell me that, but her actions (including rejecting supplementary feeding, etc.) let me know that she was tired. Tired of living. Even if she were to survive, she would be bedridden and dependant on others -- the opposite of how she wanted to live. It's just all so tragic...
Like I said, I'm not at that point yet because the loss is still so very great and so very raw... but maybe one day I can say that my mom was liberated from a world full of pain and suffering.
Thank you. And you're right. At my grief meeting last night, the moderator asked what we are doing to cope with our grief (i.e. go for a walk, etc.)...I told them that I just ride it out, meaning I let the wave of sadness come over me and I just deal with it for the duration. Sometime it happens in moments, other times it lasts for a good while. It's like you said, the only way to heal is go through it. You can't go around it. The moderator also told me that she's seen a change in me in that I believe there's a hope at the end of this. I guess I believe in the hope of being at peace with my loss because my mother still lived on after the death of her beloved mother. It gives me hope that I can also live with this hole in my heart
That is a good way to look at it. I felt relief along with grief when Frank died. For a long time he hoped he would get better even when there was no hope. Six weeks or so before he died, he mostly stopped eating. I heard the nurse ask him.why he wasn't eating, and he said, "I just want to go." She said, "we have better ways to do that, you know", but they are not allowed to offer assisted death. You have to request it. He never did, though, and just died naturally. But he was ready, I believe.
I will always miss him. It was just eight months on the 11th.
You know what I always tell my son? I always tell him that God keeps on giving us lessons till we get them - He never gives up. I strongly, firmly believe this and I also believe I am supposed to learn and be a better person as I get older and more experienced.
I also always tell my son to Good Grief, do NOT ask God for patience because He sure will give you those lessons! LOL
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