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I have been through a lot and I want to share my life journey:
Boy, I haven't shared my life experiences online until recently. I am more of a private individual. But, I feel that if I can share my experiences and journey with other people, I can finally be at peace. From 2015-2022, that was the darkest period in my life.
I am a 33 year old widowed father of three daughters who are aged 14, 11, and 9.
I was born in Bangladesh and came to the United States at 6 months old. I moved from state to state as I was raised by a single highly educated mother. I call Ohio my home state. I will always be a Buckeye.
I am dark-skinned.
My mother who is still alive, was a very strict woman when it came to my education however, she did let me enjoy watching Football on the weekends and bought me stuff that I wanted or needed. I haven't spoken to my mother in 12 years. She has never met her youngest two granddaughters. Our relationship has been damaged
In 2008, I was accepted into my dream school The Ohio State University on a Full Scholarship and attended.
During a Fraternity party in the fall quarter of freshman year (it used to be the quarter system) I met my late wife. We were both intoxicated and we snuck back to her dorm room and had a one-night stand. My late wife was a Caucasian Woman. She got pregnant from the one-night stand. Our oldest daughter was born out of wedlock. We dated for one year and got married after Sophmore year at tOSU.
We left our daughter with her parents and sisters in her home state of Texas (Where I currently reside.) We would come see her during breaks. Even though I am politically conservative, my former in-laws including her sisters at the initial point did not approve of the marriage as they are a Conservative and Caucasian Family and I am a dark-skinned guy from Bangladesh. They are great people and our relationship has been much better to this day.
Our second daughter was born after we both graduated from The Ohio State University and our youngest daughter was born two years after that.
We moved to Texas after our second daughter was born to be closer to her family and we both were attending graduate school. I earned my undergraduate degree in Computer Science from The Ohio State University.
I earned my Masters in Economics from University of Texas-Austin.
My wife wanted to be a Pediatrician.
In late 2015, my wife at the young age of 25, passed away from Ischemic Stroke. She passed away right in front of me as I held her. I learned that the stroke was caused by a small piece of plaque which mounted in one of her arteries leading to her brain.
I was a widowed father for 2.5 years and got married in 2018. My second wife who is now my ex-wife is also a Caucasian woman and it was a second interracial marriage. My ex-wife is an Assistant Prosecutor here for our county in Texas
My second marriage lasted 3.5 years and got divorced in October 2021.
The reasons on why we got divorced was that she wanted children of her own and after we had gotten married, she found out that she can't have kids biologically. She wanted to legally adopt my three daughters. I refused to allow her to.
The first time that she had asked me, I kindly told her that I do not want the adoption of my daughters to happen and leave it at that.
The second time that she had asked me, I was starting to lose my patience and I told her "No" more cold heartedly. She asked me why and I told her that "you're not their mother, you're their stepmother" and I also had to remind her that I witnessed my late wife pass away right in front of me, why would I want to remove the connections the girls have with their mother? The youngest was only 16 months old when her mother passed.
My late wife was robbed of the opportunity to be their mother, so why should I let another woman become an "official" mother to my kids? I told her this.
What you need to know is that, I wanted my daughters to have a mother-figure in their lives and by that, I mean a stepmother figure and not the changing of the damn documentation.
While we were married, I told the girls to only refer to her as "stepmother" or on a first-name basis. Not to refer to her as their mom.
I believe that biological children and their biological parents should never be separated. I do not believe in stepmother adoption. I believe that it is complete bull**** for a documentation to be changed and then that person can call themselves a mother.
Another reason for refusing to allow the adoption to happen, is that had the adoption happened, then all 3 of my daughters' connections to their late mother's side of the family is gone.
I have no respect for stepmother ------> adopted mother.
To make matters worse, I had an affair with one of her former law school classmates and that affair lasted for 9 months. She saw text messages on my phone while I was taking a shower. We were about to go to bed after I took the shower but once I came out, she confronted me about this and I admitted it.
That was the last straw for the marriage.
Now, I am raising my daughters by myself with my late wife's parents, and her 3 sisters.
Also, after our youngest was born, we had a conversation and decided that the girls would go to my former sister-in-law and her husband should in case anything happen to the both of us, she is the oldest sister of my late wife.
I am thinking of moving the girls and myself back to my home state of Ohio. I want this because the two oldest were born in Ohio and they are born Buckeyes. The oldest is about to start her freshman year in high school here in Texas. I do not want them to finish their high school in Texas. I want it, Ohio.
I am not sure why you posted this thread, OP. Are you looking for sympathy, validation, statements that you shouldn't be doing what you're doing, and making the choices you've made?
That being said, I'm sorry for the loss of your wife, the childrens' mother. It's possible to have a mother figure in their lives without the person adopting them. It seems like your 2nd wife grew fond of the children otherwise she wouldn't have wanted to adopt them. To me, you've robbed her of the chance to be a nurturing presence in their lives. But clearly you feel she doesn't belong in their lives, so that's that.
You don't need to be told that adultery is a bad idea at the very least, and very troublesome and hurtful at the worst. Do you understand how much you have hurt your 2nd wife? You owe her an apology BIGTIME, for the adultery and the cruel way you denied her being a nurturing mother figure to your children. She can't have children which is already really painful and then you insulted her and crushed her dreams. Way to go, Buckeye.
Now you want to rip your children away from their grandparents and their aunts (not to mention their friends) and move them back to Ohio. For what reason? How is Ohio better than Texas where their relatives and friends are? It isn't all about you and you wishes.
You remind me of my ex husband, also a very rigid foreigner. He wanted to be everything to the children, father, mother, everything. It isn't all about YOU, you know.
Finally, just because another woman might have adopted your children wouldn't mean they would lose their connection to their biological family. That thinking makes no sense to me, and I'm certain it doesn't make sense to others reading all this.
You want to move your girls far away from their family, and you somehow think that raising teenage girls all by yourself is easy?? Ha! Those girls will need a female figure in their lives to guide them through their teenage years.
If you think things are difficult now, move them to Ohio and see what happens when even one of them is a teenager. I hope you don't, for their sake.
And don't think for a second that you are going to rule them with an iron hand, like in your mother country. It doesn't work that way. They are American. You can teach them about your mother country and its culture so they that will be informed and respect it, but they are American.
You want to move your girls far away from their family, and you somehow think that raising teenage girls all by yourself is easy?? Ha! Those girls will need a female figure in their lives to guide them through their teenage years.
If you think things are difficult now, move them to Ohio and see what happens when even one of them is a teenager. I hope you don't, for their sake.
And don't think for a second that you are going to rule them with an iron hand, like in your mother country. It doesn't work that way. They are American. You can teach them about your mother country and its culture so they that will be informed and respect it, but they are American.
I agree.
Being a Buckeye may seem like a big difference to you. Is it really? It's not a big thing to Americans. So what's going on?
You disrupted your daughters lives by ending their relationship with the stepmother. You want to further disrupt you daughter lives by ending their relationship with the extended family.
You have bad impulse control. First sign of bad impulse control was ending your marriage. The second sign of bad impulse control you wish to move away from your wife's family. This is nothing more than running away from embarrassment of your affair.
You need to be a steady figure to your daughters. Your daughters need their extended family. Even if you lost face with your first wife family by your ****ty behavior with your affair.
My mother who is still alive, was a very strict woman when it came to my education however, she did let me enjoy watching Football on the weekends and bought me stuff that I wanted or needed. I haven't spoken to my mother in 12 years. She has never met her youngest two granddaughters. Our relationship has been damaged
Since you were so forthcoming about many private details of your life, it's interesting that you left out the reasons for the estrangement from your mother. Seems to me you are both very rigid people. Estrangement is not surprising in this case. Do you even know if your mother cares about her grand-daughters, or does she disapprove of them somehow? You state that kids should never be separated from their biological family. What about your mother?
It's difficult to believe that you have been in the United States since 6 months of age, due to the way you write. You actually write quite a bit like a foreigner does. How do I know this? i know many foreign people - or did, when I was married to the foreigner. It's also very apparent on various websites when someone whose English is their second language to write some of the ways that you did.
It is imperative that you learn to loosen up before all your daughters are all teenagers. In fact, it's imperative that you do it now. Trust me on this. Raising even one teenage daughter can be extremely difficult. What makes you think that you can do it by yourself? You have some very authoritarian traits that are very likely going to come back and bite you in the butt. Again, trust me on this.
You seem wound really tight. Find a way to loosen up. Being wound tight is not good for anyone, including yourself. Your educational background suggests that you might not be getting enough exercise, recreation, hobbies or a social life. Get a massage, take a sauna, do a jacuzzi. Go to a concert of music you really enjoy. Get those endorphins flowing. Feel what it feels like to be relaxed.
Since you were so forthcoming about many private details of your life, it's interesting that you left out the reasons for the estrangement from your mother. Seems to me you are both very rigid people. Estrangement is not surprising in this case. Do you even know if your mother cares about her grand-daughters, or does she disapprove of them somehow? You state that kids should never be separated from their biological family. What about your mother?
It's difficult to believe that you have been in the United States since 6 months of age, due to the way you write. You actually write quite a bit like a foreigner does. How do I know this? i know many foreign people - or did, when I was married to the foreigner. It's also very apparent on various websites when someone whose English is their second language to write some of the ways that you did.
It is imperative that you learn to loosen up before all your daughters are all teenagers. In fact, it's imperative that you do it now. Trust me on this. Raising even one teenage daughter can be extremely difficult. What makes you think that you can do it by yourself? You have some very authoritarian traits that are very likely going to come back and bite you in the butt. Again, trust me on this.
You seem wound really tight. Find a way to loosen up. Being wound tight is not good for anyone, including yourself. Your educational background suggests that you might not be getting enough exercise, recreation, hobbies or a social life. Get a massage, take a sauna, do a jacuzzi. Go to a concert of music you really enjoy. Get those endorphins flowing. Feel what it feels like to be relaxed.
Sorry that it took this long to respond. The reasons for the estrangement from my mother were that:
She is a Devout Muslim Woman. After I had gotten married, I left Islam and switched to Catholicism. I never once practiced Islam from middle school and beyond. That wasn't my religion.
I married a woman outside of my race. I followed the footsteps of my stepfather (His first marriage was to a Caucasian woman.)
My mother was always sweet around her eldest granddaughter. She always wanted grandchildren.
Another reason for wanting to move is because I want to try and reestablish my relationship with my mother. I want my youngest two to meet her and have a relationship with her.
My mother is a college professor at a small college.
Working out is one of my hobbies other than taking care of the kids, job, and watching sports. After my wife's passing, I really limited social interactions with new people. That was a mistake on my part.
Thank you for the explanation. It really is imperative that you relax your thoughts about all these important life decisions. Is there a reason you cannot tolerate Texas until the 9 yr old is out of high school? That's only 9 years. 10 at the most. Things are tough enough in our country right now generally speaking, without creating more stress. There are going to be very serious changes in the U.S. economy and culture in the next 10 years. Don't invite any more unnecessary stress! Visit Ohio periodically and see your friends and the sports there.
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