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I went to my grandfathers funeral in the 90s. I had to be there. My opinion changed after seeing him in that state because he was a man’s man. I don’t know if I can attend another funeral with a viewing, especially a loved one.
It's important to see the person one last time and to see them dead, so that you have closure in your own mind. It's a socially acceptable way to show you that they are no longer alive and to say goodbye. I wouldn't fault somebody for not going, as ultimately everybody deals with it in their own way and on their own time. If you simply do not have feelings, lack sympathy for others, or get giggly, though, that is psychopathic.
Last edited by MercedesBoy; 01-17-2023 at 01:05 PM..
It's a socially acceptable way to show you that they are no longer alive and to say goodbye. I wouldn't fault somebody for not going, as ultimately everybody deals with it in their own way and on their own time.
I find it odd several speak to what is ‘socially acceptable’ or about themselves i.e. ‘no desire’ rather than from a place of supporting those closest to them. I’ve had a few girlfriends who lost a grandparent; another lost a sister to suicide. I would never have thought to tell them ‘deal with it in your own way’ (sans my support) at their family gathering for such. Who wants to date or have a long-term relationship with anyone who lacks compassion, sympathy or empathy?
Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63
Nobody feels obligated any more to do the right or respectable thing - heck, if you twist their arm too hard they'll go but wearing shorts, flipflops and a Hawaiian shirt! Oh I know, it's the thought that counts... but still...
The thought doesn’t mean much if they’re antagonistic about it, or their arm needs twisting. They speak for/about themselves in the process.
Many people get uncomfortable around death. My opinion is you show people your appreciation/fondness for them while they are alive. Funerals/wakes/viewings are to show your admiration for the decease and to support those left behind. I find them a good time to reconnect with people I maybe only see at funerals, weddings, etc. It can be a good reminder of what's important in life.
I don't think you're a jerk, but if someone dies who meant something to you, at least send a card to their relatives and write a bit about what the person meant to you. My husband died in June and the cards (not emails, not texts) meant almost as much as the presence at the funeral.
Yes, in each case I didn't go to a funeral, I wrote a nice eulogy and in the case of my parents, sent photos that I had to present at the viewing. Thanks for telling me I'm not a jerk. LOL.
OP - You don't have to worry about coming to mine - there won't be any. And it seems like this is an increasing trend. Cremation, no service, no obit, no nothin' except for maybe a FaceBook post
That is what I plan to do as well. Cremation or donate my body to science. I already donated my body to science in the country I lived in previously, but now that I am back in the USA I need to do it here or set up cremation, whichever is cheaper and easier for my wife if she survives me.
When we lived in that other country I told her that she could just take my body and feed it to the alligators. Lol.
But as I said, I made an arrangement for a donation of my body to science instead.
Right, it is an increasing trend. Out of 10 people I know that have died in the last 5 or so years, 2 people out of 10 that died had an obituary, 7 were cremated, no viewing.
My dad did not want a viewing. He wanted to be cremated which was not as popular then as it is today. I told him that the viewing would mean a lot to myself, my kids and his friends. He told me ok, but wanted only one day for his viewing.
The friends that said something about my dad during his viewing meant a lot to me, especially one of his friends from the rescue squad which he had been on since 1970. The tribute she did focused on all he did for the squad that was in the town our business was in, 10 miles from home. My dad held just about every title, including Vice President and President of the squad.
The township honored deceased people at their Christmas tree of lights. It was my dad and a local attorney/judge that had died. My dad's friend who spoke at his viewing wrote another long speech about my dad when he was honored at the tree of lights. She had the longest speech which focused on everything he did for the town such as plowing a lake so that residents could ice skate there. 17 years later, both of her tributes to my dad meant so much to me.
I wrote a full page for all three of my family members who passed, and asked that it be read at the viewing or funeral. I spent time on it and cried while I was writing it. That is my way of grieving. I also continue to grieve privately and sometimes with my wife even now on occasions of their birthday, or other things that remind me of them at times.
Each time a family member died, it would have cost me a lot of money and losing work in order to fly to the funeral... And in one case covid was very prevalent and I basically would not have been able to fly out of the country I was in and get back in, had I gone to the funeral. Nor did I want to risk flying because my sister and uncle had just died of covid.
I appreciate the people who share or at least understand my view about going to funerals. It is not a way of avoiding grieving. It is a way of avoiding grieving around other people, as I prefer to do it privately.
And, as mentioned, the economic factor of missing work and flying to get there.
Funerals are no fun but maybe just consider how your wife may feel if no one showed up for your funeral and then how you would feel if no one showed up for your wife’s funeral.
My mother bailed on her fathers funeral. They didn’t have a great relationship but I adored my grandfather and sure could have used her support that day.
I survived. Just a little tougher without her.
It won't bother me in the least if no one shows up for my funeral. I will be dead and I won't know whether they did or not.
And even if I were a ghost overlooking the whole thing, LOL, I wouldn't care if no one showed up. I would assume that my friends and loved ones are grieving in their own way, at home.
While I hope that I have been kind enough to my friends that they will grieve when I die I really don't think it matters one way or the other...
If my wife were to die before me, again, it wouldn't bother me if her family or friends did not show up to her funeral, especially if they did send flowers or a page to read or something. I am confident that some friends would reach out to me in some way.
It would be hypocritical of me to be disappointed if no one attended my funeral or my wife's funeral.
I just don't think it matters who attends a funeral or who doesn't or if there is one.
Dust to dust.
But as I said in another post, I did reach out to family members and write a eulogy to be read at each of their funerals.
This is my last comment on this thread. I appreciate all the responses, and regret that I am just now getting back to it. I have been very busy and frankly forgot that I had posted this thread until yesterday.
I am actually surprised that many people told me that what I do is okay. I felt that it was okay, but I didn't think other people would.
I don't like the idea of no closure . When my Sister who lived in another state passed, I was so sorry to have lost her and I was going to go to her memorial and was looking forward to seeing all of the family together. Sad it was because of my sister dying of course.
When I was told there would be nothing , absolutely nothing , in the way of a funeral or memorial, I felt then and still feel like we , they should have done something. I want to see and talk to the family and let them know I miss her. In more than a card or a phone call. Where I am the family I am sad to say didn't even care enough to talk about her much less have a gathering.
I just don't like the idea of not saying goodbye I guess. It makes me feel like nobody cared enough.
Can't anyone at least take a few hours out of their day to get with family to honor someone? Are we really getting that cold as if it doesn't matter? The people in my life MATTER TO ME . I guess i am just different , which is nothing new to me.
Compassion and supporting loved ones doesn't require attendance to a funeral. Nor does "paying respects" or "giving remembrance."
There's nothing wrong with attending a funeral, but choosing not to do so is hardly a travesty.
Humans have made this an expensive, time consumer, morbid, depressing, and long event for the optical illusion that humans are super sacred beings worthy of grand gestures when its time for us to expire.
I don't want anyone spending a penny or millisecond on my funeral (cremated), and I will happily return the favor.
Most people toddle along to funerals who dont really care or havent seen the person in years.... I visited my relative for three years before her death when she was ill.. I saw her every week... other family members never made a show when they knew she was ill and housebound...However at her funeral dinner the place was mobbed.. even her daughter remarked ..that se didnt realize her mum knew so many people..I stayed silent as didnt want to hurt the lady... I also cant stand... the.... "ANYTHING YOU NEED JUST CALL" brigade.. they dont mean it and would run a mile if the person did ask for help or money .. |Some only turn up for show or a free drink and dinner.. like a day out.. how sad..
Last edited by dizzybint; 01-23-2023 at 01:30 AM..
On another matter of funerals...the flowers...had a neighbour many years ago a young woman of 22 whos boyfriend had been killed.... all her bother was outshining his mother with the biggest wreath... I wonder if anyone noticed on tv.. the floral wreath at actress Gina Lollobrigidas funers.. right at the front of the church for all to see a large one with pink roses... with a large satin sash stating..SOPHIA LOREN... even in a death the conceit rears its nasty big head... Never have a seen a wreath done this way... but then Sophie and her were rivals for years it seems..
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