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One issue that I started to see when I was a teenager in the 90s, is that young people really do need for there to be places other than home and school where they can go and just...be. During those times, kids and teens are supposed to be learning how to socialize, how to navigate the world, having small adventures and dodging trouble. Building confidence.
When I was a child, I was able to wander at will through "the woods" which in fact was land that surrounded most of the housing developments in the area and typically had creeks that fed into the Potomac River. There was nothing better than picking my way through the brambles and getting to the creek and then following it for miles. I was like...7, 8 years old? By myself. A girl. I also jumped neighbors' fences and dashed through yards for shortcuts, avoiding dogs. Strayed into front yards chasing fireflies.
Now, no one wants the kids anywhere unsupervised. As a parent, I could not abide the idea of my children being a bother to anyone, made sure they stayed on our property or I was with them, CPS can be called if a kid walks a block to a playground without an adult. Wandering around in the woods, which was in fact trespassing on someone's property...unthinkable! And the kids don't want to since they would rather sit in front of screens being entertained. Well, what else is a parent supposed to do with them? We can't spend every second focused on interacting with them or making them do chores, and they need their own independent time.
But I recall that when I became a teenager, suddenly if I was anywhere with other teenagers, every adult looked at us like we were certainly about to go on a crime spree at any second. No matter where we were. I think that a lot of actual bad behavior by teens is because they feel defensive against this. A kind of, "if you've got such a problem with me, then the heck with you" thing.
So I don't know, I think that there's a lot to it, and while the parents' behaviors are a big part, it isn't like any of us knew better. I felt neglected and abandoned by my parents and I did not want my kids to go through what I did. So I tried to be a better parent. I did not believe that I was "spoiling" them at the time...but I think I grew up having to learn a ton of practical things and I was too eager to apply my problem solving abilities to every one of their problems. Which meant my kids did not really learn some things they should have, I guess, because they did not learn from my example nor from my words...they really needed to just be left to figure things out? I don't know.
What I do know is that I never made the mistake of thinking that my kids were angels who could do no harm...I remember being a kid among kids and I know better.
Sounds like where I spent my formative years. Adelphi MD, then Beltsville and later Laurel MD. I'm an early GenX and was the first 'latchkey' kid in elementary school. I walked to and from elementary school. We walked or rode our bikes everywhere, played in the woods separating neighborhoods, played pick-up touch football in the open areas.. I had unlimited freedom until the streetlights came on.
I came to realize later it was my escape therapy for the crap that was raging in our family at the time.
When my wife and I had kids we gave them a loooong leash to explore. We had acreage in WV that bordered two streams (Threerun creek and the Opequon river). The bottom of our property was flat and open and they could go anywhere as long as they had our coonhound with them. They had their camping spot all to themselves.
Ironically when we moved to Montana- there's this wide open expanse of places to explore. When my son could drive, we encouraged them to both go to the ski hill or go hiking- get out by themselves. They rarely did. They immersed in studies in the house.
Man when I got a car I went everywhere I could as long as we had gas money, lol.
Sounds like where I spent my formative years. Adelphi MD, then Beltsville and later Laurel MD. I'm an early GenX and was the first 'latchkey' kid in elementary school. I walked to and from elementary school. We walked or rode our bikes everywhere, played in the woods separating neighborhoods, played pick-up touch football in the open areas.. I had unlimited freedom until the streetlights came on.
I came to realize later it was my escape therapy for the crap that was raging in our family at the time.
When my wife and I had kids we gave them a loooong leash to explore. We had acreage in WV that bordered two streams (Threerun creek and the Opequon river). The bottom of our property was flat and open and they could go anywhere as long as they had our coonhound with them. They had their camping spot all to themselves.
Ironically when we moved to Montana- there's this wide open expanse of places to explore. When my son could drive, we encouraged them to both go to the ski hill or go hiking- get out by themselves. They rarely did. They immersed in studies in the house.
Man when I got a car I went everywhere I could as long as we had gas money, lol.
Yeah, I was in Northern Virginia. And being alone and ignored did feel safest, my parents were pretty chaotic. Unpredictable. Mom could be wonderful or terrible or bedridden with depression, depending on her moods. Dad was often gone, or drunk. It was best and safest for me when they paid no notice of me at all, but also pretty lonely. I did not have many friends. One, for a while. But I mostly loved wandering the woods, riding my bike, and reading. I was always a heavy reader. I'm a young Gen X. "Feral kids."
With my sons, though, I did manage to avoid getting them video games for quite a while. Eventually their grandmother gave them a Wii, and after that...we were sucked in. Sometimes I wish they'd never had them. That was their escape. It seemed like a "good thing" for a while because some of the games they played, it actually seemed like they were learning some things, like Little Big Planet had my younger son designing the game, they deliberately gave their players tools to create with, and player-made levels were most of the draw, I think. Minecraft, too. I got that kid a book on coding and he went through it in a weekend (long after I gave it to him, he forgot about it and rediscovered it months later) and showed me some incredible things he'd done. He could do stop motion animation. Both of my sons played instruments, and played them pretty well.
Where the issues really started was in high school, which...in all fairness...was a rough time for the family. Their father got out of the military and lost it, fell down a bottle and became violent (long story short.) We got divorced. Both of the boys struggled. The younger one I'd had such high hopes for, had the onset of serious mental illness. But although it's pretty well controlled with meds (and by staying off recreational drugs) now, both of my sons struggle to get or keep jobs, my older one refuses to learn to drive. They both seem just really aimless and incredibly fragile to me.
Though my Mom tells me she was surprised when I survived to my 21st birthday, and I know I struggled in young adulthood, too. So sometimes I just wonder if this is just yet another generation fretting and wondering if the kids will be OK. My husband is 64 years old, and I have letters he exchanged with his parents when he was in college, and guess what...they worried about him. Some portion of all this is probably just how humans are. I try to withhold real judgment until they get into their late 20s, at least.
Yeah, I was in Northern Virginia. And being alone and ignored did feel safest, my parents were pretty chaotic. Unpredictable. Mom could be wonderful or terrible or bedridden with depression, depending on her moods. Dad was often gone, or drunk. It was best and safest for me when they paid no notice of me at all, but also pretty lonely. I did not have many friends. One, for a while. But I mostly loved wandering the woods, riding my bike, and reading. I was always a heavy reader. I'm a young Gen X. "Feral kids."
With my sons, though, I did manage to avoid getting them video games for quite a while. Eventually their grandmother gave them a Wii, and after that...we were sucked in. Sometimes I wish they'd never had them. That was their escape. It seemed like a "good thing" for a while because some of the games they played, it actually seemed like they were learning some things, like Little Big Planet had my younger son designing the game, they deliberately gave their players tools to create with, and player-made levels were most of the draw, I think. Minecraft, too. I got that kid a book on coding and he went through it in a weekend (long after I gave it to him, he forgot about it and rediscovered it months later) and showed me some incredible things he'd done. He could do stop motion animation. Both of my sons played instruments, and played them pretty well.
Where the issues really started was in high school, which...in all fairness...was a rough time for the family. Their father got out of the military and lost it, fell down a bottle and became violent (long story short.) We got divorced. Both of the boys struggled. The younger one I'd had such high hopes for, had the onset of serious mental illness. But although it's pretty well controlled with meds (and by staying off recreational drugs) now, both of my sons struggle to get or keep jobs, my older one refuses to learn to drive. They both seem just really aimless and incredibly fragile to me.
Though my Mom tells me she was surprised when I survived to my 21st birthday, and I know I struggled in young adulthood, too. So sometimes I just wonder if this is just yet another generation fretting and wondering if the kids will be OK. My husband is 64 years old, and I have letters he exchanged with his parents when he was in college, and guess what...they worried about him. Some portion of all this is probably just how humans are. I try to withhold real judgment until they get into their late 20s, at least.
Sorry to hear that. Sounds like the life I had as a kid- abusive alcoholic dad, divorce etc.. It can and does take a toll on kids.
I think it's a rarity for kids to not have some issue(s) growing up. I had a self destructive streak until about 23, my daughter has anxiety issues and we think she was just born that way. She clung to my wife since day 1 and would freak out if mom wasn't around. I could rarely hold her. When she hit late middle school an event occured and she went to counseling and was positively diagnosed with anxiety. She learned coping skills and has to adapt. Change in friends and a focus on her field in biology has helped immensely.I think when she graduates from college next month she is going to take a break, get out of Bozeman and recharge and then go to grad school in a year or two.
My son is the lucky lotto winner. He has always been independent, generally very happy and is laser focused. We never had any issues with him at all. Always perfect grades, took the tough classes and stayed engaged in Scouting (he's an outdoors freak like me). He's a young paid PhD student in mechanical engineering. He's buried, but happy.
I can say both of my young adult kids are stressed, but not struggling.
One issue that I started to see when I was a teenager in the 90s
What I do know is that I never made the mistake of thinking that my kids were angels who could do no harm...I remember being a kid among kids and I know better.
I think this started in the early 50s and/or early 60s though. I remember the changes happening in front of my eyes. New techniques of how to parent started to spring up all over the place by so many authors. I am not saying all changes were bad. There we so good ones I admit.
Your comment of children not being angels hit the bullseye. That is how many parents react when someone points a behavior of their children.
That reminds me of a teacher I had as a classmate in my first master's degree program. She said she was studying for another career because she did not want to be a teacher anymore. She gave an example of how parents cuddle their children. She told us of an elementary school boy that did not turn-in homework, did not work during the classes, and missed other assignments. She did not give him a passing grade. He demanded she change the grade so he could go to the next grade next year. She told him no and gave her the reasons why not. He told her, "I will pass to the next grade." The next day she was called to the principal's office. The mother and the boy were there too. The principal asked how come she did not get a final passing grade. The mother complained and the principal turned around and "asked" if it was possible to change the grade. In reality telling her to change the grade with her tone of voice and body language. She did so grudgingly. The boy told the teacher, "See b*tch, I told you I pass." The mother just said, "Don't do that" with a pleading tone of voice.
At that moment, she decided to change careers.
You have a great day,
elamigo
I find it alarming on how many kids are put on medication these days. Like anxiety meds or ADHD meds. My son is in 4th grade we know many kids who have been put on medication at the slightest bit of trouble in school. One kid didn't do well on the MCAS (not sure what mom's version of not doing well is) and another 4th grader didn't want to do her homework and would have tantrums about it. She is actually smart...but her parents said the meds have been a difference of night and day. I just worry about the long term affects of medications being given to such young kids. I know some that were put on meds at 6 for adhd or learning issues.
I find it alarming on how many kids are put on medication these days. Like anxiety meds or ADHD meds. My son is in 4th grade we know many kids who have been put on medication at the slightest bit of trouble in school. One kid didn't do well on the MCAS (not sure what mom's version of not doing well is) and another 4th grader didn't want to do her homework and would have tantrums about it. She is actually smart...but her parents said the meds have been a difference of night and day. I just worry about the long term affects of medications being given to such young kids. I know some that were put on meds at 6 for adhd or learning issues.
Sad times...too much pressure if you ask me.
What type of pressure are you talking about? I agree the pressures in life can affect all of us in some ways. That is when parents can help kids to learn to be resilient. That is my point on a previous post. Parents protect their kids from many things in life and that deprives them of learning how to cope and handle stress. When that happens, they break down. What is next? Take him or her to the doctor so he or she can give a prescription.
You have a great day,
elamigo
Pressure to do well in school at a very young age. Putting kids on meds in kindergarten is way too young IMO. I think parents are also protecting themselves. They dont want a kid who struggles with school or does poorly in school so they will do whatever they can to avoid that.
I was the Stay-at-Home parent when we had foster children. Each of them had a therapist, and each therapist wanted to be sending notes back and forth with their teachers. To a teacher, in a classroom where 50% of the children are medicated, any child with energy or curiosity really stood out as requiring more effort from the teacher. The therapists were happy to assist by medicating those children. The decision to medicate really came from the teacher's recommendations.
We had our own children at home, homeschooling, on most days after 30 minutes of reading a textbook our children would be restless. I would send them out to run and play, or to walk around the block. When they returned they were ready to settle down to a textbook once again. Since it only required one hour a day for each child to stay on track with grade level, it worked out well for our children. But our foster children were all medicated during the public school year [during which each of them slid behind in terms of grade level]. During the summer they came off the meds, and homeschooling brought them back up to grade level [again going outside to play when they got restless].
To me it seems wrong to medicate children simply because they are not adapting to a classroom setting the way adults would like them to. The classroom model is not for everyone but there are few alternate choices. Do we really know what these medications do to someone's brain in the long run?
If 50% of the classroom is on meds I'd say that is very troubling. It's perhaps not the kids, but the education system
... The classroom model is not for everyone but there are few alternate choices.
,... It's perhaps not the kids, but the education system
Our children did well when they were not in a classroom, and they were welcomed into college at much younger ages than usual.
"School failed me, and I failed the school. It bored me. The teachers behaved like sergeants. I wanted to learn what I wanted to know, but they wanted me to learn for the exam. What I hated most was the competitive system there, and especially sports. Because of this, I wasn't worth anything, and several times they suggested I leave. I felt that my thirst for knowledge was being strangled by my teachers; grades were their only measurement. How can a teacher understand youth with such a system? From the age of twelve, I began to suspect authority and distrust teachers." ~ Albert Einstein
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