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I'm going to be the alarmist here. Best be prepared for anything that can happen.
This looks me like more the just "control issues". It's way too extreme and crazy and is a symptom of spousal abuse of which extreme control is a major component. It also could be that the husband has lost his mind somehow, maybe a psychotic break. Your daughter might be too afraid of him to disagree. Does this seem like something your daughter could cook up? If I were you, I wouldn't even question whether I should intervene or not and I'd act asap.
Check it out.
1. Ask her if there is trouble in the home. Say she tells you Yes, but she's afraid to leave...go to point #3 below.
2. Consult with a psychologist about his behaviour. They will know if the situation is dangerous etc.
3. Consult with staff at a women's shelter/safe house. They will instantly understand the situation.Their job is to provide refuge in a home-like safe place until the person is ready to move out. Could be months or weeks. The police work closely with shelters when need be.
It might not be a good idea for her to stay with you. Depends on whether there is a safety concern like from threats.
Best wishes. Stay strong.
You just wrote what I was thinking when I first read the O.P., but didn't want to go there. The fact that the son-in-law is blocking both sets of grandparents gave me immediate pause. There is first-time parent protectiveness, then there is what's going on with this guy. Living so far from family, the O.P.'s daughter might not have anyone to turn to; to help her to know what falls under the range of "normal" and what does not.
I wish that the O.P. would come back to update the story.
I'm going to be the alarmist here. Best be prepared for anything that can happen.
This looks me like more the just "control issues". It's way too extreme and crazy and is a symptom of spousal abuse of which extreme control is a major component. It also could be that the husband has lost his mind somehow, maybe a psychotic break. Your daughter might be too afraid of him to disagree. Does this seem like something your daughter could cook up? If I were you, I wouldn't even question whether I should intervene or not and I'd act asap.
Check it out.
1. Ask her if there is trouble in the home. Say she tells you Yes, but she's afraid to leave...go to point #3 below.
2. Consult with a psychologist about his behaviour. They will know if the situation is dangerous etc.
3. Consult with staff at a women's shelter/safe house. They will instantly understand the situation.Their job is to provide refuge in a home-like safe place until the person is ready to move out. Could be months or weeks. The police work closely with shelters when need be.
It might not be a good idea for her to stay with you. Depends on whether there is a safety concern like from threats.
Best wishes. Stay strong.
A bit off topic but I have noticed that anyone that brings up point #2 is usually the one needing the psychologist and the one with real "issues".
*SEVEN; when they do take the baby out for a walk, the stroller will be covered so that no one will be able to see the baby. SIL says, “No outside of immediate family deserves to see our baby”.
Is that literally what your son in law said?
Many babies are visually oriented. To deprive such a baby in that way (covering up the stroller) is cruel. It sounds like the father-to-be is unaware of child development given the absurdity of many of his rules.
Well, a lot of expectant parents have all kinds of ideas about how things are going to be, like labor, caring for a newborn, etc., and then have a very rude awakening when the time actually comes. I agree some of the rules are health-related and reasonable, and some are strange (to me), but it's their child. I would be patient and see if things change a bit when the reality of having an infant hits them.
Our daughter is expecting our first grandchild soon. A girl. Son-in-law has come up with ‘rules’ that we and others in the family feel are strange. And sadly, our daughter has apparently agreed to these rules.
I should say that both sets of grandparents live about 700 miles away.
*FIRST; when the grand parents come to visit from out of state, we will no longer be allowed to stay at the kids' house. We all must stay at a hotel/motel.
*SECOND; no one will be allowed to visit for at least two weeks after
the baby comes home.
*THIRD; when the grandparents DO come to visit, we must have a long list of shots, including Flu vaccine and TDAP (?) shot. (I get extremely sick off the flu vax, and doctor advised not to get the yearly flu shot.)
*FOURTH; for at least the first three months that the baby is home, everyone must wear a mask in the house.
*FIFTH; no one will be allowed to hold the baby.
*SIX; absolutely NO pictures taken of the baby, which includes no pictures of the baby posted on social media, and no telling anyone that the baby is here and what her name is. We were not even allowed to tell family and friends that our daughter is expecting.
*SEVEN; when they do take the baby out for a walk, the stroller will be covered so that no one will be able to see the baby. SIL says, “No outside of immediate family deserves to see our baby”.
*EIGHT; when the grand parents are allowed to come visit the new baby, when the baby is sleeping, everyone must vacate the house until texted that the baby is now awake.
I am sure there are other ‘rules’ that we have not yet been told about.
We have never heard of such absurd rules.
What can son-in-law be thinking?
All four grandparents want to be a part of our granddaughter's life, and want to be proud grandparents, but this has taken the joy out of the occasion.
I have friends whose son and DIL had some very strict rules, too. Especially about shots. And I would consider the young parents to be 'reasonable' people since I know them. They were also very strict about sleeping time, quiet time, etc, and when 'babysitting' while baby was sleeping, grandma had to go outside to make a phone call, etc. I wonder if there is some new book out that these folks have read because these rules sound very similar. The 'new' way to take care of your newborn?
I wouldn't take any of it personally although my friend, the Dad's mother, was a bit put off by it. But then, she wanted to be all over the baby and I don't think DIL liked that very much. You don't want to get in the middle of that.
These rules may just be to establish a routine while the baby is 'newborn' and will ease up as she grows. Take it slow. See how it evolves.
I'm going to be the alarmist here. Best be prepared for anything that can happen.
This looks me like more the just "control issues". It's way too extreme and crazy and is a symptom of spousal abuse of which extreme control is a major component. It also could be that the husband has lost his mind somehow, maybe a psychotic break. Your daughter might be too afraid of him to disagree. Does this seem like something your daughter could cook up? If I were you, I wouldn't even question whether I should intervene or not and I'd act asap.
Check it out.
1. Ask her if there is trouble in the home. Say she tells you Yes, but she's afraid to leave...go to point #3 below.
2. Consult with a psychologist about his behaviour. They will know if the situation is dangerous etc.
3. Consult with staff at a women's shelter/safe house. They will instantly understand the situation.Their job is to provide refuge in a home-like safe place until the person is ready to move out. Could be months or weeks. The police work closely with shelters when need be.
It might not be a good idea for her to stay with you. Depends on whether there is a safety concern like from threats.
Best wishes. Stay strong.
I think this is way over the top. Consult a psychologist?? a woman's shelter?? Yikes They are new parents and this style of caring for the newborn seems to be fairly typical nowadays. As I said in my post, maybe this is the 'new style' of setting boundaries and routine not only for baby but for the parents AND grandparents.
I don't have a problem with banning social media either. They are the parents. Their rules.
MAYBE confirm that the mother is onboard with all this but that's as far as I'd go.
I have friends whose son and DIL had some very strict rules, too. Especially about shots. And I would consider the young parents to be 'reasonable' people since I know them. They were also very strict about sleeping time, quiet time, etc, and when 'babysitting' while baby was sleeping, grandma had to go outside to make a phone call, etc. I wonder if there is some new book out that these folks have read because these rules sound very similar. The 'new' way to take care of your newborn?
I wouldn't take any of it personally although my friend, the Dad's mother, was a bit put off by it. But then, she wanted to be all over the baby and I don't think DIL liked that very much. You don't want to get in the middle of that.
These rules may just be to establish a routine while the baby is 'newborn' and will ease up as she grows. Take it slow. See how it evolves.
Good point. There could be a new parenting book out, or a new baby-care book.
Also we should bear in mind, that some of this is likely Covid-related. That is no small concern, especially for a newborn. Times have changed radically in the last 2-3 years with regard to baby-visiting and handling. Older generations may not be able to relate.
Good point. There could be a new parenting book out, or a new baby-care book.
Also we should bear in mind, that some of this is likely Covid-related. That is no small concern, especially for a newborn. Times have changed radically in the last 2-3 years with regard to baby-visiting and handling. Older generations may not be able to relate.
I don’t disagree with a lot of the requirements, but the covering up the stroller as a matter of habit to keep people from seeing the baby is ridiculous. I do see people covering up the stroller because it’s a hot/sunny day and they don’t want the baby to get sunburn before she can wear sunblock. A lot of that can be mitigated by having the child in appropriate clothes and taking the child for walks outside the hottest/sunniest parts of the day. It’s certainly not appropriate if the child is inside! A lot of babies love going for walks and looking around to see what there is to see.
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