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Three adoptees have contacted me after finding a DNA match. Turns out they are my first cousin and two first cousins once removed.
One was from an affair my uncle had. The mom gave him up. Took us a couple years to sort out which of my 9 uncles on that side was the father. But from D's photo, there was zero doubt he was a family member: he looks exactly like every man on that side.
Another was from an affair a first cousin had with his sister-in-law, who also gave up the child. That first cousin was a legitimate son of one of those 9 uncles, and we thought at first that he or his dad might have been D's father. Now P knows who her parents were (both deceased), that she has two half-sisters/first cousins, and is stunned to see how large a family she's a member of.
The third contacted me a few months ago. Turns out she's the daughter D didn't know he'd fathered. He was thrilled to meet his daughter; she was shocked to find out how big her family just grew.
I'm hoping they'll all be able to visit us very soon and talk to Mom about their parents. She turns 99 next month, but can lay out the family tree in detail.
We've never told my aunt or her son about D. Aunt is in memory care and there's no point in even telling her about the affair, and her son is a POS that would not appreciate knowing he has a half-brother. The rest of the family would rather associate with D...
P's granddad (my uncle) had three other kids. One committed suicide, P's dad died a few years ago, and the third has vanished, refusing to have anything to do with her dad's family. Hence P needs to talk to Mom to learn her direct family history.
After losing two first cousins on the same day last month, it was nice to formally add three to the roster.
My birth mother claimed she was raped in my adoption papers, which contained an elaborate story of the circumstances of meeting my father and his forcing himself on her, but it was all a lie. She admitted to me after I found her that she had been in a long relationship with a married man (and I actually figured out who he was first, from DNA). I've heard from different search angels that rape was frequently used as a convenient explanation for an unwanted pregnancy by single mothers giving up children for adoption. They did not want to admit to the agency that they were having extra-marital sex.
Thinking that I might have been the product of rape before starting my search made it a little tricky, and I spent too much time and energy worrying about uncovering some shameful past for the people involved, but it was all for nothing.
But it meant a lot to me to finally uncover the truth and know that I was not the product of a rape. Living with that story in my adoption papers, even though I doubted it, was pretty awful.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. Thankfully you found out the truth.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arkay66
Three adoptees have contacted me after finding a DNA match. Turns out they are my first cousin and two first cousins once removed.
One was from an affair my uncle had. The mom gave him up. Took us a couple years to sort out which of my 9 uncles on that side was the father. But from D's photo, there was zero doubt he was a family member: he looks exactly like every man on that side.
Another was from an affair a first cousin had with his sister-in-law, who also gave up the child. That first cousin was a legitimate son of one of those 9 uncles, and we thought at first that he or his dad might have been D's father. Now P knows who her parents were (both deceased), that she has two half-sisters/first cousins, and is stunned to see how large a family she's a member of.
The third contacted me a few months ago. Turns out she's the daughter D didn't know he'd fathered. He was thrilled to meet his daughter; she was shocked to find out how big her family just grew.
I'm hoping they'll all be able to visit us very soon and talk to Mom about their parents. She turns 99 next month, but can lay out the family tree in detail.
We've never told my aunt or her son about D. Aunt is in memory care and there's no point in even telling her about the affair, and her son is a POS that would not appreciate knowing he has a half-brother. The rest of the family would rather associate with D...
P's granddad (my uncle) had three other kids. One committed suicide, P's dad died a few years ago, and the third has vanished, refusing to have anything to do with her dad's family. Hence P needs to talk to Mom to learn her direct family history.
After losing two first cousins on the same day last month, it was nice to formally add three to the roster.
I wish I could find some "bonus family" via DNA. My son's great aunt didn't have any kids. I had hoped she gave one for adoption when she was younger but not so yet.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Okey Dokie
I believe the “rape” story was sometimes used to circumvent getting the father’s consent to relinquish his parental rights.
Agree, or so the woman wouldn't look bad for having sex without being married.
Many young girls were sent to maternity homes so that people would not see her pregnant. The parents were who decided if a child was kept or adopted out. Young women didn't have any say in what happened to their child.
Many young girls were sent to maternity homes so that people would not see her pregnant. The parents were who decided if a child was kept or adopted out. Young women didn't have any say in what happened to their child.
My (birth) grandmother was one such person. My dad was adopted out of a Florence Crittenton home, which at the time was a popular option for women dealing with this situation.
Relevant to the OT, news of my father's existence was broken to the birth family at his mother's funeral. By Tennessee law (where he was born), you could unseal your adoption records at age 18 (which my father opted not to pursue); a sibling, however, could do so at age 60(!). I can only infer this was an attempt to spare the feelings of the parties that were involved at the time of the birth and adoption.
At any rate, my father's half-sister did just that on her 60th birthday. A letter was sent to my father from the TN Dept. of Social Services, which asked him to call and confirm certain information about himself. He did so, and at that time was informed that a sibling was trying to contact him. He could opt not to respond, of course, but he gave permission to release the information.
Turns out that he had three half-sisters that were delighted to learn they had a brother. He stayed in touch with them until his death.
I bolded the part of the post that might lend some guidance to the OP on how to approach the situation.
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