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Just do what my family does: everybody refuses and then somebody helps the person in question get into retirement, or assisted living, or skilled nursing.
It's the hard truth. A lot of people are either not in a position to help or they just do not want to help. If there's no one to take on the care of the person in question, then that person has to surrender to "what is" and go into some sort of a facility. It's not the end of the world.
Well, with regards to my mother, her income is less than $700 a month. She has no assets. She has Medicare and did not qualify for Medicaid when we applied. I have spoken with case workers and the like, tried to get her on low income housing, no luck.
That seems odd. $700 is very low. She should qualify for Medicaid, but there may be other circumstances and resources of which I'm not aware?
I think you're in California, right? Years ago in California I lived near a HUD office. They always had a sign on the door, CLOSED. Went to the website which said "years long waiting list." The message was: don't bother to apply. I'm sure it's even more dire now. It's in a very nice area, with not very many places that allow Section 8 or other low income housing.
When I lived in New Mexico my impression was that it was much easier to get into low income housing. I heard about a woman who was only paying $200/mo. for a subsidized little house with 2 bedrooms. I couldn't believe it but I guess it's the truth. If your mother could qualify, she'd pay 33% of her total income like everyone else.
I feel for you because it's truly a dilemma. I dropped my entire life for first my mother and then my father. It did hugely compromise me, but that alternative was not to my liking. If I had walked away I don't think I could have handled it especially if something terrible had happened to either of them. I'm old school. I come from a generation and a family history where people help each other (except for the current older generation ). It's everyone for himself and goodbye. My grandfather lived with us since before I was even born. He died when I was 24 years old.
For the record, I don't think you're controlling at all. Don't let anyone foist that description onto you.
That seems odd. $700 is very low. She should qualify for Medicaid, but there may be other circumstances and resources of which I'm not aware?
I think you're in California, right? Years ago in California I lived near a HUD office. They always had a sign on the door, CLOSED. Went to the website which said "years long waiting list." The message was: don't bother to apply. I'm sure it's even more dire now. It's in a very nice area, with not very many places that allow Section 8 or other low income housing.
When I lived in New Mexico my impression was that it was much easier to get into low income housing. I heard about a woman who was only paying $200/mo. for a subsidized little house with 2 bedrooms. I couldn't believe it but I guess it's the truth. If your mother could qualify, she'd pay 33% of her total income like everyone else.
I feel for you because it's truly a dilemma. I dropped my entire life for first my mother and then my father. It did hugely compromise me, but that alternative was not to my liking. If I had walked away I don't think I could have handled it especially if something terrible had happened to either of them. I'm old school. I come from a generation and a family history where people help each other (except for the current older generation ). It's everyone for himself and goodbye. My grandfather lived with us since before I was even born. He died when I was 24 years old.
For the record, I don't think you're controlling at all. Don't let anyone foist that description onto you.
Indeed, I assisted her with the paperwork a few years back, but her application for SSI was denied. This denial had a ripple effect, rendering her ineligible for Medicaid. When she applied for SSI and resided with me, they factored in my income at a capped rate, considering it as additional support for housing (they capped it at around $200 I think) and related expenses. Unfortunately, this pushed her income beyond the "SSI threshold" at that time, which was around $800 a month (the income limit now is $934 per month, I believe).
Yes, California. I know, it's crazy with the HUD waitlist. She has been on the waitlist for, gosh, 7 or so years now and nada. It's frustrating and disheartening. It would be nice if she could gain a sense of independence if something opened up for her housing wise, but, either she becomes homeless or she lives with a family member.
My mom requires A LOT of emotional support in general and she's not the best with boundaries or genuine concern to help with situations beyond her understanding and she doesn't drive so it's just taxing.
Having said that, I am unsure how a country expects a woman in her mid 70s with a fixed income under $700 a month to survive but that's a whole other topic. She can walk and talk and do some things, but she does have certain medical conditions that limit her capacity otherwise.
If I could get her to New Mexico, that would be awesome!
I'm glad that you were able to care for your parents and that it was the right choice for you, even if it did compromise other areas of your life. That's a personal sacrifice you made and it came from a good place. I think it really is a personal decision and what works for one person or family may not work for another. I considered moving to Arizona for a year because my father suffered a stroke and I am worried about him being home for 15 hours a day but having thought about it it probably is not a good idea because I would have to put school on hold, I have to think of my own health, I would lose my job, and I would not be able to be in a better place emotionally or financially for myself, let alone my aging parents.
Thanks so much (and an especial thank you for the "controlling" buffer, I appreciate it).
I would make an appointment with a social worker at the department of aging to find out what assistance is available for your mom. It’s my understanding that California has many services for people that are low income especially seniors. They will know all about both state and federal programs. She may have to move to a different city in California where they don’t have a waiting list.
Once again, I want to express my gratitude to all of you for your insightful comments and for sharing your personal experiences.
It's something that inevitably comes to all of us at some point, doesn't it?
Logically I can't compel my sister to take care of our Mom, but when she responded with, "I need to focus on my emotional well-being," after I broached the subject, I was quite candid with her, telling her that I truly don't care. She teared up upon hearing this, but it's how I feel at this point.
I spoke to my Mom and informed her that she has a year, and it would be wise for her to start exploring alternative living arrangements with her other daughter or sisters. I've had her on a waiting list for low-income housing for several years, but luck hasn't been on our side.
I'm currently brainstorming additional steps I can take. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom, and I want to assist her to the best of my abilities, within my means. However, she seems to have this sense of entitlement, believing that she's given so much to her children during their upbringing that it's now our turn to reciprocate.
I've shouldered the responsibility for many years and done my part; it's time for someone else to step in.
No, it's not wheelchair friendly, but I can look into other housing options for him and myself to accommodate that.
He only had his stroke a month ago. So, he could very well gain his mobility back. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope what you say isn't true with regards to my Dad and I'm sorry that wasn't the case for you.
I do have to concentrate on my studies, yes, it's so hard with all this going on when all I want to do is crawl under my bed.
I made a good recovery from my stroke, mostly due to intensive rehab ( 6 hours a day) at the facility, & then I continued to go to exercise in a chair at local senior centers for a year after that. I was told by the professionals at the rehab, that if you have not gained movement back in the first few weeks of rehab, it is not likely to come back. So insist he does all the exercises they ask of him, & to continue to do some kind of movement when he is sitting watching tv ( moving his fingers etc) If he is discharged in a wheelchair, please consider finding him a nursing home. Getting him in & out of the wheelchair by yourself will be very hard on you & possibly dangerous ( if he should fall. ), consider it carefully. You cannot be with him 24 /7 if you are at work & also at school. He will need help even for the most basic needs. Too much for one person.
I made a good recovery from my stroke, mostly due to intensive rehab ( 6 hours a day) at the facility, & then I continued to go to exercise in a chair at local senior centers for a year after that. I was told by the professionals at the rehab, that if you have not gained movement back in the first few weeks of rehab, it is not likely to come back. So insist he does all the exercises they ask of him, & to continue to do some kind of movement when he is sitting watching tv ( moving his fingers etc) If he is discharged in a wheelchair, please consider finding him a nursing home. Getting him in & out of the wheelchair by yourself will be very hard on you & possibly dangerous ( if he should fall. ), consider it carefully. You cannot be with him 24 /7 if you are at work & also at school. He will need help even for the most basic needs. Too much for one person.
That's fantastic that you made such a good recovery from your stroke. My mother recovered extremely well physically, but not mentally; in fact, she basically lost her mind, will to live, etc. afterwards. We never knew why her emotional mind was so terrible. They said it was all the stroke + post-stroke regression. She sadly died from sepsis almost 2 years later.
My mother was paralyzed for about a 4 or 5 weeks. Then, she was able to move her arm a little as well as her affected leg. She then started rehab, etc, but some of her physical recovery was spontaneous, although my dad and I got her walking like normal because we helped her every single day. 4-5 months later, she was walking a like a normal 70 year-old (even better). Her hand came back 80% or more by 9 months or so.
Her mind regressed over time: OCD, pacing, insomnia, terrible anxiety, stoicism, apathy, etc. Unreal.
Anyways, many people don't recover well from strokes. I am surely glad you did. All the best to you. Take good care.
I would make an appointment with a social worker at the department of aging to find out what assistance is available for your mom. It’s my understanding that California has many services for people that are low income especially seniors. They will know all about both state and federal programs. She may have to move to a different city in California where they don’t have a waiting list.
I'm going to recontact another social worker when I return (I am flying out again to Arizona soon when my father will be discharged from intensive rehab to be transported to another facility that does sub-acute skilled nursing and rehabilitation for another 3 weeks). An additional three weeks isn't much but we're trying to find additional coverage options through Medicare that will cover a longer stay or a home health aid. I contacted a social worker for my mother a few years ago, but to no avail, so I need to retry again and hopefully something will stick. Thanks!
Quote:
Originally Posted by evening sun
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I made a good recovery from my stroke, mostly due to intensive rehab ( 6 hours a day) at the facility, & then I continued to go to exercise in a chair at local senior centers for a year after that. I was told by the professionals at the rehab, that if you have not gained movement back in the first few weeks of rehab, it is not likely to come back. So insist he does all the exercises they ask of him, & to continue to do some kind of movement when he is sitting watching tv ( moving his fingers etc) If he is discharged in a wheelchair, please consider finding him a nursing home. Getting him in & out of the wheelchair by yourself will be very hard on you & possibly dangerous ( if he should fall. ), consider it carefully. You cannot be with him 24 /7 if you are at work & also at school. He will need help even for the most basic needs. Too much for one person.
I'm so happy you recovered. I hope my Dad does too and I know sometimes that it's not always possible. I work and go to school remotely 60% of the time so I have a lot more flexibility being home, albeit, yes, it is dangerous for me to handle him if he is still wheelchair bound. Though, I do have a brother to help with that. If we can somehow have him in a facility until the point that he's no longer in a wheelchair, obviously that will be ideal, but of course there is no telling what his progress will be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FrancaisDeutsch
That's fantastic that you made such a good recovery from your stroke. My mother recovered extremely well physically, but not mentally; in fact, she basically lost her mind, will to live, etc. afterwards. We never knew why her emotional mind was so terrible. They said it was all the stroke + post-stroke regression. She sadly died from sepsis almost 2 years later.
My mother was paralyzed for about a 4 or 5 weeks. Then, she was able to move her arm a little as well as her affected leg. She then started rehab, etc, but some of her physical recovery was spontaneous, although my dad and I got her walking like normal because we helped her every single day. 4-5 months later, she was walking a like a normal 70 year-old (even better). Her hand came back 80% or more by 9 months or so.
Her mind regressed over time: OCD, pacing, insomnia, terrible anxiety, stoicism, apathy, etc. Unreal.
Anyways, many people don't recover well from strokes. I am surely glad you did. All the best to you. Take good care.
Awe, so sorry to hear about your mother's passing.
How did she contract sepsis, if you don't mind me asking? I totally understand if you rather not answer, I was just curious.
Yes, I've read that people can go into severe depression following a stroke. My Dad has been crying a lot. Thankfully the sub-acute facility I found has mental health professionals and therapy incorporated in their program which is one of the factors we chose this facility. Plus, it is highly rated and looks to have some really good social activities and he will be able to get outside a bit to get some sun and fresh air.
I'm going to recontact another social worker when I return (I am flying out again to Arizona soon when my father will be discharged from intensive rehab to be transported to another facility that does sub-acute skilled nursing and rehabilitation for another 3 weeks). An additional three weeks isn't much but we're trying to find additional coverage options through Medicare that will cover a longer stay or a home health aid. I contacted a social worker for my mother a few years ago, but to no avail, so I need to retry again and hopefully something will stick. Thanks!
I'm so happy you recovered. I hope my Dad does too and I know sometimes that it's not always possible. I work and go to school remotely 60% of the time so I have a lot more flexibility being home, albeit, yes, it is dangerous for me to handle him if he is still wheelchair bound. Though, I do have a brother to help with that. If we can somehow have him in a facility until the point that he's no longer in a wheelchair, obviously that will be ideal, but of course there is no telling what his progress will be.
Awe, so sorry to hear about your mother's passing.
How did she contract sepsis, if you don't mind me asking? I totally understand if you rather not answer, I was just curious.
Yes, I've read that people can go into severe depression following a stroke. My Dad has been crying a lot. Thankfully the sub-acute facility I found has mental health professionals and therapy incorporated in their program which is one of the factors we chose this facility. Plus, it is highly rated and looks to have some really good social activities and he will be able to get outside a bit to get some sun and fresh air.
I wish you much good luck with the social worker. Tell them you cannot bring him home, that way they may look for more options. Dealing with a wheelchair bound person needs a lot of work & time,. Getting in & out of bed, then the shower, & toilet uses, etc, so I don't think you & brother would be around all day for those. Plus cooking meals. I honestly think a facility will be better for everyone until & if he can walk again.
I'm going to recontact another social worker when I return (I am flying out again to Arizona soon when my father will be discharged from intensive rehab to be transported to another facility that does sub-acute skilled nursing and rehabilitation for another 3 weeks). An additional three weeks isn't much but we're trying to find additional coverage options through Medicare that will cover a longer stay or a home health aid. I contacted a social worker for my mother a few years ago, but to no avail, so I need to retry again and hopefully something will stick. Thanks!
I'm so happy you recovered. I hope my Dad does too and I know sometimes that it's not always possible. I work and go to school remotely 60% of the time so I have a lot more flexibility being home, albeit, yes, it is dangerous for me to handle him if he is still wheelchair bound. Though, I do have a brother to help with that. If we can somehow have him in a facility until the point that he's no longer in a wheelchair, obviously that will be ideal, but of course there is no telling what his progress will be.
Awe, so sorry to hear about your mother's passing.
How did she contract sepsis, if you don't mind me asking? I totally understand if you rather not answer, I was just curious.
Yes, I've read that people can go into severe depression following a stroke. My Dad has been crying a lot. Thankfully the sub-acute facility I found has mental health professionals and therapy incorporated in their program which is one of the factors we chose this facility. Plus, it is highly rated and looks to have some really good social activities and he will be able to get outside a bit to get some sun and fresh air.
Thank you for asking me.
She had two massive seizures and ended up in the hospital. She suddenly got staph in her lungs. They gave her a strong course of IV vancomycin for 12 or 14 days. They said it cleared up a week later. All of sudden, she comes down with c-diff colitis. They try giving her 2 different antibiotics, but her colon became megatoxic (most severe form of colitis). A few days later, she contracted full-blown sepsis and died 2-3 days later. It was all very fast.
Her emotional mind was pretty much gone before the seizures; but after them, she was completely delusional. She had even more brain damage from the seizures, they said. Her mind was too far gone to have a good life anymore. It was game over. Had she continue to live, her life quality would been terrible, even though she wasn't in any pain.
I wish you and your father all the best. Strokes are very devastating for most people.
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). It's everyone for himself and goodbye. My grandfather lived with us since before I was even born. He died when I was 24 years old. 
