Dreading taking care of husband. Need advice. (aging, child, adult)
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It's not just the ortho issues. It's that he may be losing it as well. Or so I surmise.
Ah. So the OP asked for potentially life-changing advice based on a small snapshot instead of the whole picture. There's an old saying about trying to draw conclusions from selectively-skewed data:
Garbage in, garbage out.
On that note, guess I'm out. Sorry, some people don't like being manipulated.
Last edited by Parnassia; 10-20-2021 at 01:58 PM..
My husband of fifty-four years has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Neither of us expected that. And yes, it's so darned unfair to have to deal with this at this time. Sometimes I'm pretty angry about what the future may hold for me.
I spent my whole working life helping people heal. I like it and I'm good at it but this will be different.
Here's where I am now - I'm scrambling around to find out what my resources will be. I'm going to need a lot of help to keep my balance. Trying to get our ducks in a row.
I'll do what I can and I also know that includes taking care of myself at least as well as I take care of him. Because I'm no good if I'm not taken care of.
I know a time may come when I won't be able to keep up and may have to change directions. I need to be emotionally prepared to accept that without guilt.
In the meantime life is loony-tunes here. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes he laughs and now and then we laugh together. And there's plenty of disappointed anger to go around.
My life has been full of tasks I didn't want to do. Thought maybe I could slide through the rest of the way. Heh. Guess not.
This week he gave away my cast iron skillets.
Today he came out in the rain with a giant umbrella to meet me by the garage when I came home from errands.
Life is like that. I know I'm not alone. And I'll stop when I can no longer do it.
That's where I am now. Where I'll be in a year I've never known. I'll take this a step at a time.
OP, I don't know how similar our situations are or whether anything I've typed is useful to you. I think I understand how you feel, that's all. If you can find people like that a world of ideas may open for you.
Due to various mishaps during recreational activities, my husband has a number of orthopedic issues. I've cared for him through several knee and hip surgeries, and soon hip replacement surgery. The handwriting is on the wall.
I dread the future. I had not imagined that my retirement years would be spent caring for a semi-invalid.
Every time I take him to a medical or PT appointment, I see all these old women pushing old men around in wheelchairs, walking slowly alongside an old man shuffling behind a walker, ...
We've had an okay marriage, but nothing that would warrant years of this kind of devotion.
I'm having a sinking spell here and would appreciate any advice you could give me on how to go forward here.
Sometimes life just sucks. My sister was still working and her husband was retired. They were looking forward to her retiring so they could do some traveling. He had a vertebrae issue that seemed to now be causing one of his legs to be a bit off. He was seeing a doctor about possible back surgery when he mentioned to the doc that now he was waking up at night with a burning sensation in the leg.
The doctor said, "Hmm, that sounds neurological." Sent him to a specialist in NYC.
Diagnosed at 65 with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, for which there is no treatment. Eight years later, my sister is retired from a lifelong career as a nurse and taking care of a man in a hospital bed who has lost use of pretty much everything except one hand. They often do become very self-centered as their worlds shrink. He is constantly calling my sister to come open the blinds because their isn't enough light, then half an hour later it's too sunny in the room, so he's calling her to close them. Needs her to change the TV channel. This is all in addition to feeding and bathing and turning and dressing. Bowel Movement Day is an entire morning. Her only respites until recently were the times she gets to leave the house to walk the dog.
Then last year she woke in the night with such severe back pain that she called her husband's son, who lives three hours away, and told him to come to stay with his father because she had called an ambulance to take her to the hospital. The father always told the son he was fine, so the son had no idea how far downhill his father's health had gone and how disabled he had actually become. Subsequent to that issue, my sister was diagnosed with an early breast cancer.
This was all just before COVID hit, and by the time she began to submit paperwork to request a home health aide, COVID was in full swing and there were no home health aides who would come to anyone's home. Just now is she beginning to get assistance.
She does not want to put her husband in a nursing home, but at 71, she is not in shape to move a 250-pound man who cannot help himself do anything.
Due to various mishaps during recreational activities, my husband has a number of orthopedic issues. I've cared for him through several knee and hip surgeries, and soon hip replacement surgery. The handwriting is on the wall.
I dread the future. I had not imagined that my retirement years would be spent caring for a semi-invalid.
Every time I take him to a medical or PT appointment, I see all these old women pushing old men around in wheelchairs, walking slowly alongside an old man shuffling behind a walker, ...
We've had an okay marriage, but nothing that would warrant years of this kind of devotion.
I'm having a sinking spell here and would appreciate any advice you could give me on how to go forward here.
Simple. Remember For better or worse? You most likely made those vows on an alter in the past. This is what that meant. If you leave him now, that would be pretty horrible. I would say the same if he was posting this.
Last edited by trusso11783; 10-20-2021 at 03:36 PM..
What are your choices? Leave him or stay and help him. Get friends and/or family to give you some respite or hire someone. If you think he is losing it mentally as well as physically be sure to get the paperwork in order while he is still able to make his own decisions. And as someone else said, you need a plan in case something happens to you while you are his caretaker. You could get injured or ill or have a stroke and die. What would you want/expect if you were the one with his issues instead of him?
This is the result of not adding to a family while everyone is younger. I know of several poly families that are better at covering health issues than a one spouse family. Selfish younger = Lonely older.
This is the result of not adding to a family while everyone is younger. I know of several poly families that are better at covering health issues than a one spouse family. Selfish younger = Lonely older.
My husband of fifty-four years has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Neither of us expected that. And yes, it's so darned unfair to have to deal with this at this time. Sometimes I'm pretty angry about what the future may hold for me.
I spent my whole working life helping people heal. I like it and I'm good at it but this will be different.
Here's where I am now - I'm scrambling around to find out what my resources will be. I'm going to need a lot of help to keep my balance. Trying to get our ducks in a row.
I'll do what I can and I also know that includes taking care of myself at least as well as I take care of him. Because I'm no good if I'm not taken care of.
I know a time may come when I won't be able to keep up and may have to change directions. I need to be emotionally prepared to accept that without guilt.
In the meantime life is loony-tunes here. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes he laughs and now and then we laugh together. And there's plenty of disappointed anger to go around.
My life has been full of tasks I didn't want to do. Thought maybe I could slide through the rest of the way. Heh. Guess not.
This week he gave away my cast iron skillets.
Today he came out in the rain with a giant umbrella to meet me by the garage when I came home from errands.
Life is like that. I know I'm not alone. And I'll stop when I can no longer do it.
That's where I am now. Where I'll be in a year I've never known. I'll take this a step at a time.
OP, I don't know how similar our situations are or whether anything I've typed is useful to you. I think I understand how you feel, that's all. If you can find people like that a world of ideas may open for you.
I'm sorry to read this, lodestar. But, having enjoyed your knowledgeable posts here for several years, I know you will approach this new challenge with fortitude and resolve. And do the best you can and make good choices as you go along.
I'm sorry to ask this but if I don't, it's going to bother me - Did you get your cast iron skillets back? Seems like the error could be explained. I hope you were able to get them back.
Best wishes to you.
ETA something OT- Perhaps OP and spouse could work together on some type of fitness routine in order to stave off such extreme physical infirmary.
Last edited by LilyMae521; 10-20-2021 at 04:29 PM..
WOW! Another bizarre stretch achieved on C-D today! Just push out the kiddos no matter what? That's no guarantee of anything. What a cynical dismissive POV. Off the top of my head I can think of quite a few single or involuntarily childless people who have been unfailingly altruistic and selfless most of their adult lives. Did you arrive at this based on personal experience?
We're only in our mid 50's, we're reasonably healthy and active. Both of us get around just fine and it looks like we should have some good years to travel and do fun things in retirement (knock on wood).
At the same time, I've been gently nagging my husband to think about downsizing and possibly moving into an active adult retirement community within the next 5 years where there are lots of things to do and the opportunity to make friends.
We would have a low maintenance home which will make it easier for us to travel while also having some activities and friend groups within our community that will make things fun.
It may not be so bad spending Tuesday running your spouse to appointments if you are spending Wednesday going to the fitness center and having lunch with friends. Your husband doesn't have to be super active to join his buddies at the sports restaurant and spend an afternoon watching sports.
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Ah. So the OP asked for potentially life-changing advice based on a small snapshot instead of the whole picture. There's an old saying about trying to draw conclusions from selectively-skewed data:
